1. Growing old, being in pain, and dying. Above all, the idea of being able to die while suffering. I think I learned this fear from watching my grandmother, who is stuck in exactly that situation. To me, "pain" feels like an irreversible transformation—because she never escaped hers. Once pain begins, I believed only worse pain would follow, and eventually it would become so unbearable that I’d want to die. I don’t think in such extremes anymore now that I’m starting to feel better, but until very recently, that was my belief.
2. Disappointing my parents. Not being able to repay what they’ve done for me. The debt (figurative) I owe them. The fear of not being able to return their love. They’ve invested so much in me, and it all feels like it’s gone to waste. I feel like a delisted stock. It seems like the only remaining advantage I have is being alive. At the very least, a living daughter might be better than a dead one… maybe. So I feel overwhelmed by the fear that I’m constantly letting them down.
3. Not having a job. The economy is getting worse and it feels like there’s no place for me to work. I have no real experience, and I can’t get a job in my college major (I didn’t get certified, and I wasn’t suited for it at all). I honestly have no idea what kind of work I could do to support myself.
4. Giving up what I want to do because of pain. From something simple like going on a date with my partner to something as big as a job—I’m tired of seeing everything I want fall apart because of pain. It’s terrifying. It feels like I have no control over myself, and that my life isn’t up to my will, but entirely dependent on this malfunctioning body of mine.
5. Not being able to sleep. And becoming sick because of it. The return of chronic conditions that aren’t life-threatening but make life hard—like anal fissures, ingrown toenails, lymphadenitis, dry eyes. Each one chips away at my quality of life.
6. Being abandoned because I’m sick. My partner might stop seeing value in me. My parents might stop seeing value in me. My friends might not want to meet up anymore. Because I’m a burden when my health gets in the way. These thoughts make it hard to go out or make plans. I’m okay going out alone, but the thought of suddenly getting worse and becoming a burden makes it hard to accept something as simple as a dinner invitation.
7. Ghosts. Maybe that’s expected. I’m terrified of long-haired female ghosts. (Even writing this right now scares me.) Even in my mid-20s, I couldn’t go to the bathroom at night because I thought a ghost might be outside my bed. Looking back now, I think it was a severe anxiety disorder.
8. Not living up to my high standards. Or rather, I already haven’t. And I feel like I have to take responsibility for that. I’m living a life worse than the people I once mocked (to confess, I used to look down on others easily—for their attitudes or grades).
2. Disappointing my parents. Not being able to repay what they’ve done for me. The debt (figurative) I owe them. The fear of not being able to return their love. They’ve invested so much in me, and it all feels like it’s gone to waste. I feel like a delisted stock. It seems like the only remaining advantage I have is being alive. At the very least, a living daughter might be better than a dead one… maybe. So I feel overwhelmed by the fear that I’m constantly letting them down.
3. Not having a job. The economy is getting worse and it feels like there’s no place for me to work. I have no real experience, and I can’t get a job in my college major (I didn’t get certified, and I wasn’t suited for it at all). I honestly have no idea what kind of work I could do to support myself.
4. Giving up what I want to do because of pain. From something simple like going on a date with my partner to something as big as a job—I’m tired of seeing everything I want fall apart because of pain. It’s terrifying. It feels like I have no control over myself, and that my life isn’t up to my will, but entirely dependent on this malfunctioning body of mine.
5. Not being able to sleep. And becoming sick because of it. The return of chronic conditions that aren’t life-threatening but make life hard—like anal fissures, ingrown toenails, lymphadenitis, dry eyes. Each one chips away at my quality of life.
6. Being abandoned because I’m sick. My partner might stop seeing value in me. My parents might stop seeing value in me. My friends might not want to meet up anymore. Because I’m a burden when my health gets in the way. These thoughts make it hard to go out or make plans. I’m okay going out alone, but the thought of suddenly getting worse and becoming a burden makes it hard to accept something as simple as a dinner invitation.
7. Ghosts. Maybe that’s expected. I’m terrified of long-haired female ghosts. (Even writing this right now scares me.) Even in my mid-20s, I couldn’t go to the bathroom at night because I thought a ghost might be outside my bed. Looking back now, I think it was a severe anxiety disorder.
8. Not living up to my high standards. Or rather, I already haven’t. And I feel like I have to take responsibility for that. I’m living a life worse than the people I once mocked (to confess, I used to look down on others easily—for their attitudes or grades).
