Day 6 My fears

1. Growing old, being in pain, and dying. Above all, the idea of being able to die while suffering. I think I learned this fear from watching my grandmother, who is stuck in exactly that situation. To me, "pain" feels like an irreversible transformation—because she never escaped hers. Once pain begins, I believed only worse pain would follow, and eventually it would become so unbearable that I’d want to die. I don’t think in such extremes anymore now that I’m starting to feel better, but until very recently, that was my belief.


2. Disappointing my parents. Not being able to repay what they’ve done for me. The debt (figurative) I owe them. The fear of not being able to return their love. They’ve invested so much in me, and it all feels like it’s gone to waste. I feel like a delisted stock. It seems like the only remaining advantage I have is being alive. At the very least, a living daughter might be better than a dead one… maybe. So I feel overwhelmed by the fear that I’m constantly letting them down.


3. Not having a job. The economy is getting worse and it feels like there’s no place for me to work. I have no real experience, and I can’t get a job in my college major (I didn’t get certified, and I wasn’t suited for it at all). I honestly have no idea what kind of work I could do to support myself.


4. Giving up what I want to do because of pain. From something simple like going on a date with my partner to something as big as a job—I’m tired of seeing everything I want fall apart because of pain. It’s terrifying. It feels like I have no control over myself, and that my life isn’t up to my will, but entirely dependent on this malfunctioning body of mine.


5. Not being able to sleep. And becoming sick because of it. The return of chronic conditions that aren’t life-threatening but make life hard—like anal fissures, ingrown toenails, lymphadenitis, dry eyes. Each one chips away at my quality of life.


6. Being abandoned because I’m sick. My partner might stop seeing value in me. My parents might stop seeing value in me. My friends might not want to meet up anymore. Because I’m a burden when my health gets in the way. These thoughts make it hard to go out or make plans. I’m okay going out alone, but the thought of suddenly getting worse and becoming a burden makes it hard to accept something as simple as a dinner invitation.


7. Ghosts. Maybe that’s expected. I’m terrified of long-haired female ghosts. (Even writing this right now scares me.) Even in my mid-20s, I couldn’t go to the bathroom at night because I thought a ghost might be outside my bed. Looking back now, I think it was a severe anxiety disorder.


8. Not living up to my high standards. Or rather, I already haven’t. And I feel like I have to take responsibility for that. I’m living a life worse than the people I once mocked (to confess, I used to look down on others easily—for their attitudes or grades).

 

@Wolfgang
Gosh, I relate to your list! The overall sense of not being worthy.

In the beginning, I felt having TMS made me of little value to those I love. Or worse, I am torturing them and burdening them.

But, little by little, I’ve been slowly exploring that JUST BY BEING ME, I have value. Just by talking to and loving someone, I have value. I don’t have to have perfect health to be a valuable or a lovable human being. Life is filled with ups and downs. We didn’t ask for TMS—we aren’t deliberately doing anything to our loved ones, life is. And this is a life lesson for them, as well. Not in our control.

I also used to judge people. (They say it’s a sign of low self esteem.) I came from a very judgmental family. I guess I learned it. My fear of judgement (like the kind I used to think of), made me want to hide from the world. Not let people see my TMS imperfections. But all that is changing now. And I’m realizing that maybe a lot of people aren’t judging me. And if they are—who cares? I can’t care anymore, or I won’t have a life. I have been stripped of all pride. But maybe that’s a good thing?

I love to work—and it has been about 99% of my derived self worth. For the past year I have been unable to work because of TMS. Under this loss, I plummeted. And I feel your fear and pain about working. But here’s what I think now: I’ll do my best each day to live. To smile and love people. To grow stronger and heal. This is where I’m supposed to be for now. And when the time is right—as needed—a job will reveal itself. Whatever that may be.

I haven’t known you for long, but you are very valuable to me. Your kindness and friendship have made my life more worthwhile. You have helped me. ❤️

Claire Weekes, the anxiety doctor, says “Don’t say why me? Why did I get this nervous illness? Everybody gets something sooner or later in life.”

I highly suggest Feeling Good, by David Burns. That book has changed my life! The whole thing addresses self esteem as it relates to depression. It has really helped me. I took the book really seriously.

Sending you warmth, love and compassion. We will get better—and we will have better lives because of all this refinement we are undergoing. I believe that!

 

Since joining this TMS forum, I’ve felt like the people here — including you — are almost like copies of myself. Even though our ages, locations, and life experiences must be different, somehow you've written exactly what’s been going on in my own mind!

I also grew up with very judgmental parents. They would categorize even the smallest things as either “good” or “bad,” and that judgmental voice still lives in my head today.

Your words were such good advice for someone like me who often wonders, “Why me?” Thank you for your warm and thoughtful comment.

 

❤️

 

6. Being abandoned because I’m sick. My partner might stop seeing value in me. My parents might stop seeing value in me. My friends might not want to meet up anymore. Because I’m a burden when my health gets in the way. These thoughts make it hard to go out or make plans. I’m okay going out alone, but the thought of suddenly getting worse and becoming a burden makes it hard to accept something as simple as a dinner invitation.

Meditation, specifically those called "META" meditations are an excellent way to begin getting over this kind of anxiety and to see the inherent worth you have by simply sending love out the the universe. It will also help with "I’m living a life worse than the people I once mocked (to confess, I used to look down on others easily—for their attitudes or grades)."

The SEP is so excellent to help you work through all of these things (so is journalling).

You are doing wonderful work!

 

Feels like I could have written so many of these myself. It's so relatable. I am sorry that you or any of us have to feel these fears.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in any of it.
Continuing to focus on better and better days for all of us!