More ups and downs

I’m not sure what’s going on exactly but this past week has been really difficult for me. I went to a concert recently that I was really excited for and was able to sit pretty comfortably through the car ride there and the entire show even in the type of seats that usually give me trouble. I was ready to celebrate this but then almost immediately as I got back in the car to go home I had pain and tightness again that wouldn’t let up until I got home and took a shower.

I guess I’m just feeling dismayed that for all my progress in some areas I still have these really uncomfortable flare ups. I was sitting in the car listening to music I like and thinking how this used to be a pleasure for me, but now it’s just painful and sucks. It feels so embarrassing to know it’s just my (pelvic/lower abdominal) muscles being tight but not being able to do anything about it.

I am sorry to come on here and break with my usual tone where I try to look more towards the positive but I’m just trying to be completely honest with how I feel. It has all been feeling very heavy; I wonder if what was really going on in the car is that in going to the concert I was experiencing the vacation effect all the way through and then when it came time to go back home I was just returning to my normal life and pains after being away from everything and felt a sense of dread. I also had a lingering sense of excitement and thrill from the concert that was making me kind of tense up automatically.

There’s been some discussion in other threads about pain lifting during long plane rides—I wonder if this is because on a plane you truly are separated from whatever is going on in your life; you cannot get on to the internet even (I mean, I can’t, I never buy an internet pass…).

Anyway the fact that I still can’t experience any kind of higher level of excitement in an activity without eventually bringing on a flare up is really getting me down today. I know I should be looking to what I can do rather than what I can’t but I am determined to take back my life and not be severely limited by symptoms especially in the rare instances when there’s something I am truly wanting to do more than anything.

 

The progress is the fact you are doing the things even “if” you have or get symptoms. Congratulations! That is a huge step to overcoming fear!
For some (myself included) the body might react to the sub or unconcious fears, untruths it’s believed for so long and it’s need to keep you safe - these things don’t always happen in real time. For myself the reaction might happen immediately or a day later. Compassion for this process of unlearning and responding to it with understanding that it can take awhile for these old patterns to unwind will help get you through it. I see myself trying to push or force wanting to see progress some days so I take time to reflect on long term progress and the short term progress through the latest flare up. Congratulate yourself on percerverance and new clarity to see the patterns and old beliefs.
Ps it’s ok to have a down day and get in the feels. Tomorrow is another day.

 

This is, for better or worse just the nature of the healing process. If it makes you feel less alone we seem to be on similar trajectories. It honestly wouldn’t really make sense for the symptoms to just continually lower and go away for good. The brain has been running on autopilot trying to keep us safe, it isn’t just going to stop its one main job. These low moments always hit like a brick when they come after periods of feeling really good. The good news is that these moments are real opportunities for continued progress by responding well.

time lines and pressure are a killer here, as are judging the symptoms on small time scales.

take it easy on yourself.

 

Man o man, I can relate to this thread right now and appreciate the OPs sentiments, and the responses so far from Cactusflower and Rabscuttle. I'm just about to post my recent story over in the thread I started awhile back but just wanted to chime-in here as well. Really appreciate this forum...

 

Thank you. I'm trying to remember this. I have been forcing and pushing lately in a lot of ways now that you mention it. I think my perfectionist brain has run away with me again.

I totally am falling into the classic trap of putting a timeline on my healing. I've been saying to myself, don't worry, this will be gone soon and it won't even take that long—other people recovered in a few months. Now it's been a few months and I still have symptoms and I'm freaking out of course. But also not acknowledging the progress I've made mentally. I'm taking some time today to deliberately chill the $#*% out.