Letting go

Here’s where I am right now. The current symptoms I’ve had for about 3 1/2 years. Super miserable with them. Every day, I wonder how in the heck I’m going to keep living like this.

I’ve been on the forum for a year or so. I have frantically tried to do so many things— so much journaling, so much reading, so much thinking, so much TMS researching, watching so many videos— on and on. I’ve been Too much in my head trying to “solve” this.

Now, I’m working on doing. Out of my head and moving. This involves accepting pain will be part of it. Yesterday, I baked a cake. I was in pain. I locked up. I had to sit down a couple times. But I got it done. I also did 75% of the dishes. And that hurt too!

I’m So annoyed it hurts!!!!

But, I’m convinced that there’s no other way. The time has come to let go of thinking and to start doing.

I’m really tired. You know, in my heart. Just tired of this fight. I think I’m letting go. I want to, anyway. I give up. I can’t orchestrate this. I can’t find the magic thing I’m angry about or the life circumstance to change that will end all my stress. All I can do is live how I am right now.

My symptoms are up and I’ve had recent panic attacks at night again—which really discourages me. I started doing my exercises again. (I had stopped for a while.) So, I’m really sore from that and I think I got some symptoms from doing that, too. My TMS brain doesn’t want me to exercise. Of course, it doesn’t!

I’m just going to do my physical baby steps (and the usual dealing with emotions) and forget about “fixing” myself.

I also have a really fun fantasy series I’m reading. The Crystal Cave, by Mary Stewart. It’s about King Arthur.

love you guys! ❤️ love this forum!

 

I'm sort of falling in this camp myself, friend. I'm in a place where I don't think I'm going to get out of pain. I've excavated EVERYTHING. My groups say that can't be true but it is. I've focused on the rage, done the journaling, the meditation, somatic tracking, messages of safety, on and on and on. It all just makes me feel worse because it's not getting me anywhere. I'd rather be in pain without the extra burden of thinking I'm not doing the right things NOT to be in pain.

I say that and I will likely still journal tonight and meditate, but my head is in the same space as yours, I think.

 

Rusty!
I see us as pretty hard workers! I just came out of three years of hard psychotherapy. Journaled every day for a year. Analyzed my life up one side and down the other. I did actually get rid of a bunch of things that were hurting me— people I needed to let go of; situations I needed to fix, etc. I just feel exhausted from the struggle. It’s more exhausting than just being in pain. What if some of us just don’t have that special thing that’s going to fix us? That hidden shard of glass that we can’t find and take out? I think it’s unfair to make us believe that. Some of us might be different. I do think that you can slowly adjust to the pain level and push it back by doing things anyway. I’m sorry you feel the same way. It’s not really a great feeling. It has a little bit of hopelessness attached to it. But who knows, maybe we’re onto something?

 

@Diana-M
This is where I think you need more help and support.
Weekly you talk about the things you are no longer doing to move forward in your TMS journey. It’s nice you found a book series but that’s not getting you moving, it’s not helping you conquer your fear of movement.
You need more support so that you get out of the habit of complacency. Maybe it’s depression or defeat keeping you back. It’s certainly fear… and we aren’t enough.
I’m glad you’ve gotten back to some sort of exercise but the truth is, a lot of your pain stems from inactivity as much as TMS. You need to keep up this message to motivate yourself. At one point early on you mentioned having a PT. My suggestion is to explore that again if you have resources. Use them as help to keep yourself on track and for motivation and guidance for more self confidence and busting out of the fear cycle.
You’ve done fantastic with the journaling because your brain has accepted some level of safety with it. You can use that exact same process to get more comfortable with movement.
There seems to be some little part of you that keeps telling yourself you can’t do this. That you have already worked so hard but… yep, you are in but land. But I’ve tried for a year. But this is hard. But I journaled well today.. buttttt
You’ve made excellent progress, learned a lot about yourself and you can apply all of that to breaking the movement fear - which you have done admirably with on your trip, to the park.. but then back into the turtle shell.
Perhaps try the STOP method in your turtle retreats. When your mind desires the buts.. STOP and turn your mind to a task. When your mind suggests you “can’t” move STOP and turn your mind from those thoughts and get up and move.
It’s time.

 

@Diana-M You kinda wrote down what I was feeling this morning. I finished the SEP and I thought what do I do now? I still have pain! And don't get me wrong-I learned so much about myself. But I know I'm not done. That's when I figured out I needed something structured but on a timeframe since my life is busy. I don't want to be thinking about TMS all day.

One of the things that @Cactusflower suggested to me a while back was to start living life. Finding hobbies. Scheduling something fun to look forward to! That's what I'm working on now. I'm tired of reading about TMS-no more TMS books for me at this moment. Now it's time to be a healing partner with myself by journaling and some somatic exercises. And if that doesn't work I will pivot and try something else!

I love the idea of finding a partner IRL to help you out-like a PT. This would be such loving kindness to help strengthen your body! I've looked at some virtual TMS coaching as well. I'll decide that later on down the road if I get stuck or on a road block on my healing. Right now I still have a lot of self help options available to me.

So in addition to having fun, finding a PT, maybe stop putting pressure on yourself to heal. "Hold it loosely" as Nicole Sachs would say. I've put pressure on myself so I know that is part of my problem as well. It's funny how a symptom imperative can pop up and I can label it as that and not care. And it vanishes. But my main symptoms are what trips me up every. single. day.

I'm glad you put this post up today. I definitely spoke to me!

 

I went back and forth between hope and despair for years of my TMS journey. Even after years when I started to make progress I thought that was as far as I would go and I'll never be 100%. I think that's how it's supposed to be. You aren't supposed to know if you will get better. That would make this too easy. The prize fits the challenge and a prize of being symptom free is the greatest prize. You wouldn't grow as much if you faced something you knew you could face.

 

@Joulegirl
I’m glad it spoke to you! I do think there’s a progressive stage on this journey (I’ve read it in success stories), where you just stop focusing on TMS and start to live —even if it’s hard to do. Maybe that’s the ultimate place to get to. But you definitely can’t get there without the self discovery and learning about TMS first.

Love this, John! Your story is such an inspiration to me. Oh yes, it’s quite a growth curve!

 

@Cactusflower
I’ve been excited following your advice to do 1 or 2 chores per day, and something fun while standing up, then increasing it after a week or so. That has really helped me to get to this new phase of believing doing is more important than thinking. I know Sarno said that doing things speaks best to our primitive brains. I have been resistant! So this is progress.

I like the support idea—but not sure about PT. On my insurance, it’s $100/visit. And each time I visited her, she kept focusing on medical things being wrong with me. It was scaring me more than helping. But I’ll definitely think of ways I could get some support. Maybe a different PT?

Meanwhile, I have this little chart I bought where I give myself gold stars for doing my physical activities each day. (The Mindful Gardener suggested this.)

You are right about getting out of the house more. I definitely need to increase this. We’ve had a lot of rain lately. I don’t like going out in that. I also need my husband’s help to get out, and he’s still working full time (and not always in the mood after work.) NO excuses, though! I’ll find a way. Point taken. Thanks!

 

That's great. That's why I wrote it.

 

@Diana-M
Wrong PT. I’ll message you about someone I think may be close enough and you can call them. Discuss looking at this from a nervous system and fear, desensitization angle no matter what their belief and philosophy, discuss that is all you personally want to hear because you are focusing on psychological aspects of healing. If they can’t deal with that, they would also not be ideal.

 

This. I've decided I'm going to be in pain moving and pain when I'm not moving. I'll be afraid I'm injured moving and also not moving. I'd rather move and be happy and in pain and anxious about the pain than not moving (or doing activities or whatever it may be) and still having all the symptoms, because they still come and are just as bad, if not worse.

 

And….. moving is the way to get better. Telling our brains we are safe.

 

@JohnDellatto
I like your saying on your avatar!
Nobody is coming to
save you.
Get up. Be your
own hero

 

Thanks! It's good. I have a t-shirt that says "No one is coming to save you."

 

I think you know what you have to do but your primitive brain is pushing back in sneaky ways.

I didn't start making progress with my physical symptoms until I began being active again, moving, going out even if I was in pain. I remember sitting at a nice restaurant with friends with horrible pain, but I fought through it because I believed it was the only way to show my brain that it doesn't have power over me and what I wanted to do.

I believe you have to show your brain, not just journal, or meditate, but teach. And if symptoms start acting up during an activity, try not to panic. Your primitive brain will try to fight back in creative ways.

Only way is through, through the pain.

Also, make it your goal to fill your days with as much happy things as possible. I believe this advice came from a video @Cactusflower shared on one of my past threads from a year ago.

 

I've written the above out and stuck copies of it on my fridge door and on my lap top tray, and a copy of the quotation below on the table by my day bed/couch to remind me to frequently get up off my backside, despite any pain or other symptoms. Nice one! Thanks!

 

Oh wow. No problem!

 

@Diana-M pay attention to this specific part because that's gold. Feel the soma. Explore the sensations. It's energy flowing in your mindbody. Doesn't matter if it's a distraction, a danger signal, emotional release, learned habits etc. Forget about that for a while. Just feel. Don't expect the pain to go up or down, you're not doing this in order to reduce the pain. You're doing it because you need to go back to your body and stop seeing it as your enemy.

 

For those who are stuck I really feel for you.But I do think there is too much emphasis, too much focus on laying blame on the TMS brain, primitive brain, lizard brain call it what you may which we need to get out of.

Once we understand why we are stuck, we need to then engage in practices that engage our higher level thinking & more importantly get out of living in our heads and becoming more & more obsessive about our pain.

In order to heal & recover you will have to stop thinking about the pain or at least reframe what the pain means. That its not dangerous. It may be uncomfortable, heck maybe very uncomfortable but if you believe you have TMS, then you must believe the pain is harmless. This means doing things despite hurting & no longer living in fear.

Challenging it is a must & yes it will rear its ugly head yet every person who has recovered from TMS has done so by believing, ignoring the symptoms & becoming active again. This in my opinion is the only way. Through the fire you must go, like a phoenix you must rise from the ashes. The greatest pitfalls in this journey are not believing, overthinking, believing you are so special you cannot heal, convincing yourself that you need more time when you actually don't. All sneaky strategies to keep you locked in fear.

I saw a video of a lady who had such bad CFS that she was bed bound for 9 months. Could barely make it to the bathroom but she stayed positive, convinced her mind everyday that she was safe & took baby steps. The day she made it out the front door, she collapsed but she kept telling her brain that she was safe. She congratulated herself & did it again the next day & the next till she was able to get to her local supermarket. She collapsed 5 times & each time they had to call an ambulance . She kept at it, knew that she had to convince her brain that she was safe. In the end the brain gave up its fight.

I know that Dan Buglio has group coaching sessions & I've heard lots of good things about them. Not sure what the cost is but I think not too expensive. Maybe a possibility for those who are struggling & need an extra push?


All the best

 

Thank you, @Mala ! I bookmarked this. Really helpful!