Letting go of control - journaling insight

Originally posted under an old ID which I have now deleted

Hi Everyone

I have been doing some journaling to work my way through hip and back pain and yesterday felt quite stuck.

Nothing to really journal about, but a really tight back and burning hip.

Then I used some prompts and really hit into something. I wrote that being out of control is just unimaginable to me. I don't fear it as such. It just can't happen - I simply can't be out of control, my life is absolutely in my control and it can't be otherwise. I can't make mistakes, I can't let things go wrong. I can't get close to the emotion of what it would be like because it is just unthinkable to me.

I became very emotional, continued writing about other things, and then went to bed.

I wrote it so sincerely at the time! Hahahaha! I woke up this morning and this thought popped in my head - I need to notice all the ways I am not in control. I need to gently and with humour help myself see how illusory this sense of control is but how tightly it holds everything (including my back and hip!).

So this morning some things that are not in my control:

the earth beneath my feet
the sun in the sky
the health of my friends (someone cancelled for dinner due to a cancer scare)
life itself (a friend got in touch to say her father died)
food
plans
pain
the world economy
peace
war
whether other people like my work
whether other poeple like me
aging.......etc etc

Then it's also important to consciously note that despite all these things being outside of my control I am OK. In fact, if they were in my control I would not be OK because I'd forget to the make the sun rise, the tides move in and out, the earth to spin, the seasons change and we would be in trouble!

Anyway - you get it! I feel like I am living in a bigger, gentler world this morning so thought I'd share.

Maybe not a reflection for when you are feeling anxious, but if you struggle with that tight sense of control over life, maybe deliberately noticing all the ways you are not in control can gently move your thinking and lift some of that awful, insidious responsibility that we can take on.

Wishing you all a day of love and play

x

 

This is a fantastic post! it’s exactly what we’re supposed to do to explore our emotions and feelings. I’m so glad you shared this because it’s a great way to feel that the world will still be OK if we don’t have control. I think most of us are panicked with TMS because we feel the lack of control over it. I loved everything you wrote thank you so much for sharing!

I wanted to point out in your comments, the quote above— you might want to keep journaling about that. That sounds very intense. It might be the tip of the iceberg for you on some issues you could release. I have had great success with sharing my discoveries on personal issues behind my pain— sharing them on this forum has been really helpful for me.

keep up all the good work!