Day 5 l have Tms

[Fabi]

So what? It males things easier to say and believe it. Tody l journaled about my brother being born when l was 3. I don't have any memories, but l do know how l feel about it today, and all the symptoms that started speaking for me at that time. All this time and effort and pain at the service of suttting it down! I am really angry!
I do have pictures of me and it doesn't need a therapist to see l was profoundly unhappy.
I started being the good older sister, very mature for her age, and the rest is known history. Pure denial and rejection of any feeling of discomfort.

I looove riding my bike on a cool afternoon, going to the park with my mate (tea from Argentina) and a good book, having a cup of coffee just because,l also love listening to music and dancing by the sea shore, watching a quiet sunset, taking a long bath, having meat homemade empanadas, watching French films, singing, omg, how much l need to sing!
I realize l have used my son as an excuse not to take care of myself. I hate myself for that. It is a horrible feeling. But how on earth do you raise a child when you are a single parent and want to do things all right?
My son is very perceptive and he knows l make mistakes.
May he be safe. May l also be safe

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Fabi,
Many parents, when learning more about their relationships with their children feel guilty. In a way, how can you not? On the other hand it is Inner Critic attack, plain and simple. You should have been the good __mom/sister______? And you weren't. The childhood conditioning takes over, and instead of insight and love for ourselves, we are bad and guilty, and not good enough. I hope you can have compassion for yourself when this view of your life, quite limited, but powerful, arises.

Nice to make lists of things we enjoy!! Loved reading yours. That is self-care, even writing the lists, because we invoke the same goodness in ourselves.
Andy B

 

[Gigi]

Hi Fabi.
I believe that teaching, ministering, and parenting are all similar--we always feel that there is so much more that we could be doing!
It sounds to me that because you can list so many things that bring you joy, that you are teaching your son how to embrace life, and that is a very powerful thing.

 

[Fabi]

Gigi, thank you for your words. I am on a learning path and so is my son, there is no doubt, our relationship is changing, I am changing. I wish it is all for the best. And I need to accept every minute of it!