Just had my first conversation with a friend; dont know how to feel

Its been a year since ive spoken with my friends — this was just whispering btw. This is an amazing milestone and it went alright. Right now, I'm tired and i dont know how to feel. Obviously I'll have to see how I respond, but I dont really care. I wouldnt say it was that pleasurable, it was very scary though.

I wonder why I'm not more happy. Do I even want to get better? 2 nights ago i noticed myself starting to spiral again and i was gonna post here again, but i managed to relieve myself before having to post here. It was a nice application of tms wisdom.

I dont know how to feel; I dont know if i actually want to get better. Am i ready to live my life without symptons. I suppose it doesnt really matter; I dont have to fix my feelings, theyre just there whether i solve em or not. I'll just keep moving and try to remain positive.

Does anyone recognize the lifting of symptoms as sort of a threat?

 

I think you should be proud of yourself Mani, I can imagine how scary it was.

I think your logic is spot on, the lifting of symptoms can be a threat because where does our mind go in the absence of them? Do we go back to the old tormentor version of ourselves, the critic? Or do embrace something new, embrace new thoughts, news ideas, new possibilities? If we just revert to the old thoughts when our symptoms are low then surely they will ramp back up again.

I am proud of you Mani! Gas yourself up for this, it’s a big step!

I went through something similar a few weeks ago where I saw some friends I hadn’t seen in a year, and for the first time in my life spoke 100% honestly about where I had been, what I’d be dealing with, regret for dropping off the earth, gratitude for their friendship etc. I had the lowest symptoms I think I ever had during that conversation, especially considering talking has been one of my big issues. Naturally it doesn’t stay that way but it’s a step, a big one towards what is possible. When we take these chances, regardless of where our symptoms are at it is sending a very powerful message.