Day 8 Journey So Far - Really good progress.. but lots of nervous energy

Hello! We were told to keep it brief. I have not kept it brief : )

My journey so far has been one of significant mental and physical improvement - I am in such a better headspace when it comes to how I treat myself. As with a lot of people on here, toxic perfectionism is one of the key TMS drivers, and I can now unabashedly say I have been super brave on a few occasions in terms of pushing through those negative mental barriers that come with it. And of that I am very proud, and relieved!

I'm setting up an e-commerce business at the moment, making and selling my own designs, and so I am putting myself in the public realm and the quagmire of perfectionism triggers and people-pleasing behaviors that comes with that.

Very early on in the the TMS recovery process (I re-started the journey in a more systematic sense about 3 weeks ago after first dipping my toes in last year) I put a picture of myself as a toddler as wallpaper on my phone. It's a photo of my age 2 out in nature, and it has really helped me in terms of a reminder to look out for baby me, and to regularly check-in on how I'm treating myself. And when feeling like I need soothing I also imagine holding and hugging baby me as I tell myself I'm safe.

It's not that I didn't receive love as a child - I definitely did and my parents were great. But both had their own emotional wellbeing challenges and both parents in hindsight were TMS-ers. We had a lot of fun but expressing our emotions about how were were feeling was not done. I had multiple lengthy hospital stays for psoriasis treatment from the age of 8, and I got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis age 12 - I definitely took some sort of pride at the time in how well I 'coped' with these conditions, even when completely debilitated. And I always though it made my a 'stronger person', but the lack of shared emotional expression in the form of rage and sadness during these periods no doubt contributed to my issues around vulnerability and the tendency to find a weird sort of comfort in resigning to pain.

My mum had a history of post-natal depression and found comfort in Christianity involving a lot of prayer groups, seminars, church etc. It's a longer story but I was never really into faith even when young. I went to a few bible camps and was brought along to prayer meetings but it never sat with me.
I know I did try to talk to my mum about something I was having difficulty with as a teen (I can't remember what), and instead of talking to me she asked me had I talked to Jesus about it. Which was obviously not very helpful and just taught me to further bottle things up. But I totally understand this was a reflection around her own issues with emotional expression.

So me sitting with baby Emily and acknowledging how shit all of the health related things that happened me growing up has been really beneficial.

I had a really interesting experience at the start of this journey a few weeks back. After being in something of a fugue state for a few days at the start I listened to a somatic trauma focused sound bath and afterwords I could barely function from fatigue. I listen to a lot of sound baths but this one hit different. (Check out this ladies work on Youtube if interested).

I then did a fairly vigourous yoga session involving hip openers, and I experienced really intense nausea followed by an outpouring of emotion that started with crying, then laughing, then a weird combo of both that came from somewhere deep inside of me. It was a slight state of euphoria and I had such a feeling of release and liberation. The rest of that day i was a mess with the tears flowing freely throughout. I welcomed all of the feelings.

It has been since then that my mindframe has vastly improved and I've been able to keep a handle on my symptoms and track flare ups to conditioned response/emotions and particular activities that I don't love.

I can regularly feel my brain seeking out pain and willing the symptoms into existence, but I just steer it away from that and try either soothe my self or do a quick - Stop That! - It can be hard to know what approach to take in the moment.

One thing I have been experiencing though is a lot of heightened nervous energy, in particular when lying down. I feel like my muscles aren't relaxing and I feel like I am tensing my whole body even though I am not. I am definitely tensing my back a bit more when lying down in the form pushing my back up slightly. It's a strange, unsettled feeling and it's there even when feeling fairly relaxed. I'm meditating, journalling (about feelings), doing yoga, and running. I am going through a high-intensity work period at the moment so my sympathetic system is no doubt activated, I'm just wondering if this is energy that would have previously been channelled into TMS pain (my most recent pain being endometriosis), and my body is still trying to figure out what to do with it.

If you have made it this far I would love your thoughts on that.

I am so grateful to the TMS community here for all of the support and time spent building the resources here. I'm still early on in the program but I am so grateful for the progress I have made, while at the same time acknowledging that keeping myself and the straight and narrow going forward is going to require daily work so as to not lose my way.

Thank you! : )

 

Emily,
I think it’s amazing that work you’ve been doing! You seem to be discovering all sorts of ways to unlock the tension that is stored in your body. I wouldn’t worry about a thing. I think you’re on the right track.

Are you familiar with trauma release? I think that’s what you’ve discovered all on your own. This is a video about it. There are so many resources on this if you are curious to learn more. Peter Levine is one of the founding thinkers in this. His book is Waking the Tiger.

As far as the stiff legs and your body “stretching” on its own, this is your body releasing tension. It’s from too much adrenaline. It’s slowly unwinding. I have this too.

Whatever you’re doing, it’s working! Keep hugging baby you! ❤️