It's been two months; let us recap

I have made improvements to my life. I try to journal once a day. I try to not respond to sounds. I try to accept fear anger and sadness as welcome emotions. Obviously it's still a work in progress, but I'm definitely improving the way i treat my symptoms.

To just be upfront, I'm starting to get impatient. I'm having difficulties finding stuff to do. I want do pick up wood carving (specifically reliëf carving) but im worried it'll make too much noise. I'm a little caught in my feelings tonight. As a part of my new regimen i welcome these emotions; I just felt like venting them here.

I'm such a generic tms case. Aside from my specific symptoms which are quite rare, I have all the characteristics. I'm a TMSer, my way of living wasnt sustainable.

I wouldnt say I'm desperate, but life just isn't that fun right now. I know everyone here probably knows what I'm talking about, but it's just an absolutely dreadful feeling. It's a week that just doesn't quite go the way i wanted it to, and I already feel like this is it.

My chest is doing better at least...

Frankly, I would've hoped to see some more leads.

My strategy remains the same and I do a lot of stuff that I didnt when i came here. But im just feeling down. I figured I'd use this forum to vent.

I'm not even really saying anything. I'm just waffling with dreaded emptiness, not unlike my emotional state.

Ugh

I know what everyone thinks:

"You're giving up too fast"
"You should stick with this a little longer, can't expect improvements immediately."

I know, I know — I'm not giving up. I just feel sad and empty. It's not even my symptoms worsening. It's just — I don't have the words

Also: I find myself daydreaming about my hostel trip, the thing with chronic stress which lead to all of this. I love meeting new people. People were so incredibly nice to me on my trip. In the netherlands people my age are hard to make contact with. I loved how nice people were to me, it felt how i think pretty privilege feels like. People, even women of all people, coming up to me wanting to do something with me. It was incredibly flattering. All of it was way too stressful for me though, I just couldn't handle it at the time. I still have pretty strong emotions to the trip. The memories arent really negative, just very loaded and strong. As bad as the end was, I just cant help but want to do it again.

But — that trip sealed the deal. It was the leadup to all of this. If I'd go there again, most likely the same problems would arise. What did I learn, if after all of this I still want to go back to Thailand?

I'm such a nutcase. I mean — my brain is making sounds too loud. I know he's doing it and yet I can't turn it off.

I'm sitting here pretending to be this TMS expert, telling people what to do when I haven't even got it figured out. To be clear, I comment to engage with the forum and to help people, but it's very pretentious. I couldnt tell anyone what to do.

Blegh, sorry for this word vomit.

The worst part of it all, is how little faith I have in myself. I have kind of gotten to know myself these past - almost - 20 years, and its not really looking good. Imagine i have a kid and suddenly this comes back again. What will i do? I can barely tie my shoes without plugs so its not of great concern right now lol. I'm just an angsty individual.

On my hostel trip I had an incredible fear of rabies. After a dog sneezed on me I myself went completely rabid for 3 weeks. I was fine during daytime when i was with all those sweet folks. However, as soon as i was alone, I'd get insane anxiety attacks. Mrs. Weekes tells us we need to accept the thoughts as they come, which is noble, but i thought i was dying. I mean, rationally I knew that I wasnt dying, but it didnt feel that way. When calling with my dad during an attack he told me to just feel it, to just accept it, but that felt like accepting death. It didnt feel healthy to accept death. I was preparing myself to never see my folks again.

Does someone know why I got these anxiety attacks in Thailand? Does anyone know why I still want to go back there. Why cant i take responsibility ffs.

Bleeeegh

 

Ugh, I also have acid reflux now. Maybe ive just had a stressful couple of days. Time to unwind

 

@Mani
I surely relate to these musings. I get these kinds of days. Who wouldn’t with such extreme life-altering symptoms? I also feel like I’m not qualified to offer anyone advice, since I haven’t conquered my TMS yet. But I like the interaction, just like you. You can still offer great wisdom and encouragement. And you do! When I get these dark days, I just tell myself they will pass. They honestly always do. and slowly ever so slowly I’m climbing upward— and you are too, I can tell! I think even if we mess up or don’t do everything “perfectly” to heal… I believe we will heal. It’s only a matter of time. when I get really blue whenever I can do anything to get myself out of my own head, it really helps: reading a good book; calling an old friend or a relative; daydreaming about the future being really good; watching a sunset; listening to music. I just really want you to know that I can sympathize!

 

To me this sounds like good progress! Even if you haven't seen shifting symptoms yet. I know even when mine are better I instantly take it for granted and still worry that I'm not improving. I think it's good to hold all of that loosely if you can. The impatience will pass.

I know exactly what you're talking about. It's awful. You wonder what the point of it is. I think the only way I get through these times is by zooming out to my values, for lack of a better word and the things I want to do in life--or maybe I should say, the things I want to *have done*, rather than experiences I wan to have. In doing some of the work I've discovered that I really care about doing what is "right" in the world, that that matters more to me ultimately than being nice to people. Maybe that sounds obvious but it wasn't to me. I wonder if you've had similar revelations about yourself. I realize what I'm describing sounds quaint when said out loud, but when I think about it I can almost bring myself to tears. I truly want the world to be a better place to live in, and I didn't even know that about myself; now I'm starting to think, what could I do in my life that would actually further that goal and help other people?

The Western world can be so isolating. I think in my memory it wasn't quite as isolating nine or ten years ago when I was your age, but at the same time I can remember similar times when I had this window, via travel or a change in circumstances, into what my life would be like if I had been able to connect with people more. I'm not sure I know a solution for being human in the way that a lot of us on here are, being sensitive people who take things personally and fear others' judgement, but I do know that it really does get better as you simply get older and gain more confidence, and a lot of this happened for me between the ages of 20 and 23 or so.

Same here. I haven't got it all figured out, but I'm offering this if it's helpful. I think you're on the right path and it's just a matter of time.

I think this all makes sense and is normal. You really liked being there and were deeply nourished in some ways, but other things really scared you. Thus, tension. But if you can let yourself feel those complicated feelings without needing to resolve them I think you'll be on the right track.

 

There’s really nothing wrong with sharing what you know — it’s a win/win situation. I think it’s great that you engage and offer thoughts, even while still figuring things out yourself. Every time you reply to someone and explain the reasons behind mind/body/TMS symptoms, or talk about techniques for helping the brain feel safer, you’re not only helping them — you’re reinforcing your own understanding too. By sharing what you’ve learnt, you’re strengthening your belief that your symptoms are mind/body in origin and encouraging a mindset that’s more open and consistent with using these techniques regularly. That’s real practice in itself.

 

Completely agree and it's not as if you're inferring that you've got it all figured out and that you have the special solution - the general principles are agreed upon but there are also a lot of techniques and there will be different opinions

 

One of the most powerful things I learned from TMS is that we don’t have to figure it all out. What a load of pressure off!
I found that the boredom signaled a new level of being able to push myself through fear and actually do things even if I have symptoms. I realized that I could utilize the desire to do things as a distraction not from the emotions but from the fear, anxiety and repetitive thought. It also wasn’t an escape from fear or anxiety - they were still there, it was just something to partner them with, making being with them easier or at least more tolerable.
I think your reflections are teaching you some valuable parts of finding yourself: you might not want to stay in your city all your life, you might not want to be in Thailand although it exposed you to a new way of being. Somewhere there are places in the middle where you might feel more comfortable around people, but the biggest part is that no matter where you are, safety and comfort comes from within. Journeys outside of yourself, journeys within.