It has always been about shame.An epiphany!

I was lucky enough to come across the TMS theories of Dr Sarno(God bless him) in 2013.
I am a nurse and I am 50. Back in 2012 I experienced terrible back pain almost 24/7 . Had my job, my family and the pain.MRIs, doctors,physio, chiro,homeo...name it.Nothing....Disabling pain for 2 years and no one could help me .Desparate as I was, I bought "Healing Back Pain",watched every video I could find of dr Sarno on line and 2 weeks later the damn pain vanished and never returned!!!!
I was moved from one dept to another in my hospital because the new supervisor didint like me.I was so mad (inside) but cool (outside) ,but shame that my all wasnt either enough or at least appreciated from my supervisors did the "job". I am a low profile achiever all my life and profoundly I couldnt accept the "punishment"transfer and furthermore I was ashamed to discuss it with my parents.Yes, I still value that and that is a major part of the problem.
Can you imagine the oddity?Happily married with children and still hooked on parental approval!
In 2017 dizziness hit hard.Lasted about 1 year. Claire Weekes along with Sarno approach got me out of this.
One of my kids is autistic and it was time to start school. He is a high functional one but still the shame was there to give me dizziness. I was worried all the time. Will he be accepted, will he be having happy times?
BUT....I was ashamed deep inside. I didnt want my kid to emparrass me publicly and deep inside I thought I dissapointed my parents.
In 2025 had a flare up with knee pain.I have been diagnosed with hondromalacia of the knee at 19 years of old but it went pretty well and didnt give me serious trouble in my life since now.To be honest ,I had almost forgot about it for about 20 years.
Now, I can see clearly that the knee pain at 19 appeared when I failed to get into the university I was working so hard to and instead of that I got into nursing school.Again shame was the dominative feeling,although now I am a damn good nurse!
And then I rememberd... My first TMS symptom as a teenager.What an epiphany!Between 13 and 15 every summer I was experiencing an excuciating pain in my trapezius muscle (walked like Quasimodo) when my parents took me for vacation to their country house. I couldnt make friends there , I felt alone and I brought dissapointment to my family.
I had no physical pain for about 12 years. Again , my job brought me a knee pain visit after soooo many years I couldnt believe it. Feelings of shame and dissapointment, that my work wasnt appreciated again filled my heart and mind. The new supervisor was just like the one that I was working with when I developed back pain. The programming had just began. In addition to that, these paast months, my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma. I, as a nurse daughter, had to manage everything from A to Z. My sister is just a spectator. I give my all because I still want them to be proud of me and that is the key that unlocks everything. As a complication of her chemo she suffered an episode of encephalitis and as you can imagine I had to run and do all the medical arrangements with doctors,hospitals, tests etc.I am pretty sure that I take the complication as my fault beacause I didint protect her sufficiently. Too much load but I must not dissapoint them. Does that tell you something?
I am reading "Healing Back Pain" again since I now have both knee caps hurting . I now know that my rage is connected primarily to my family.It has always been my family. Dont let anybody down.... Make them proud of you... Dont nag about it.... Do not embarass the family...
There was always love but not expressed in a way that I felt accepted all the way regardless of any issues .
"All family relationships are emotionally loaded".
I am hoping that the knee pain will subside because it really has woken my fears.
Dont give up, keep your minds open and feel grateful that a man like Dr Sarno acknowledged our pain and the mentality of people like us. Thank you Dr Sarno

 

@cloud , what an inspiring story! Thank you for sharing it with us! I would like to suggest one more book to you, Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. I think every selfless person like you who rushes to help others at the cost of neglecting themselves should read it. Best of luck in your healing process!