There you go, that's perfect, dk! and let me tell you that this, right here:
Telling myself the old; “I’m special and different”.
tells me that you are a LOT more open to TMS than you are giving yourself credit for!
Doing this work successfully requires self-compassion, which starts with giving yourself credit for just being here, and for successes, however big or small, instead of letting your fearful TMS brain beat you up all the time. It's important to understand that this is what the TMS mechanism was designed to do, as a very primitive survival mechanism. We've all got this mechanism in our brains, but those of us who are prone to anxiety, perfectionism, and beating ourselves up engage it big-time (we sometimes refer to it as TMS on overdrive). And the thing is, as a survival mechanism, it doesn't work for s*** in the modern world. Neuroscientists have been telling us for years that our brains still operate at a very primitive level.
You mentioned your "old life" and I totally get that. I'm almost 72, and I can't tell you how much I worry about the younger generations right now. I've been on this forum more than 11 years, and it's obvious that increasing world dysfunction in the last years (starting from before the pandemic) has contributed signficantly to increased TMS in everyone, including many people who recovered from TMS symptoms years ago, and are coming back to "do the work" again because of recurrences or new symptoms.
Anyway, it's great that you're in therapy (I've been seeing someone since 2020). I wonder if, instead of focusing on your symptoms and your fear, maybe you could try working on the more basic skills of self-love and vulnerability. Because emotional vulnerability is also kind of a requirement for this work. It's not something we are taught as kids, especially males.
In conjunction with continuing your therapy, you could go ahead and start the SEP - the Structured Educational Program which is on the main
www.tmswiki.org site. Below is a link I've been going back to, with my best advice for doing the SEP.
And hopefully others will have ideas - we all see something different and contribute different aspects to this work!
My bookmarked SEP advice:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/bookmarks/2229/view-item (Bookmark | TMS Forum (The Mindbody Syndrome))
~Jan