Intrusive thoughts.

[stevow7]

In need of advice. Caution, this can be hard to read.

I know that looking for reassurance is a bad thing, but this ocd is really, but REALLY bad. So yesterday I was saying "I don't support Hitler" and constantly said it in my mind over and over and over. OCD. then I was counting 4+ times "I don't support Hitler" in one finger, then the same thing in 2 finger, then three fingers, until 8 fingers ANDDD then I go back and repeat the same process and I finished 1, repeat and repeat until I get to 8.

The thing is, I repeated that while in 6 and same with 7 3 times or more each

that would mean I said " " 666 or more and same with 777

I tried to end up at 8, but suppostly ocd is telling me I ended up at 8, but not the same as like I ended up on the other numbers, so in other words it's incomplete and I need to start again and if I leave it here then I support hitler and I'm a bad person.

to get up to this point it took way too much time, but the anxiety is way too much.

the thing is, if I start again then I would start at 3 and then ocd says I gotta do it again because 3 with 6 and 7 is bad.

In other words, OCD is telling me to continue repeating because I probably ended at 8 but incomplete so it doesn't count and so I ended up at 7.

sorry for my english.

Its also telling me that Hitler is my God if I dont repeat.

 

[Callum bosua]

Hi @stevow7 , I just want to begin by saying I understand how consuming and exhausting the Obsession-Compulsion cycle is. Your not alone, and your not crazy. You can get better and will get better if you try your best to help yourself.

Now, take a deep breath and put on a smile (yes, do it) and listen when I say no matter what the intrusive thought is about (no matter how horrific, grotesque, aggravating, terrifying) it does not describe anything about your character or take away from your goodness. These are intrusive thoughts that invade your personal space, like an annoying coworker when your trying to focus (you wouldn't judge yourself on this person's actions would you?). This is the hard part (it will feel impossible but really, you can do it); when any thought invades your space like this treat it with the same patience you would that coworker (hopefully you dont yell at them) - Acknowledge it's presence regardless of how scary it is ("I am having this intrusive thought about supporting Hitler") then accept the feeling of anxiety and fear that follows this (Channelling curiosty toward the bodily sensations, gut-wrenching sweating, heart rate, discomfort without trying to change them), basically practicing mindfulness during this time of emotional intensity. Try your best not to hate or fight these thoughts but also not indulge them, just letting them run circles while you stay smiling (forcing a smile actually helps by the way). Give it as much time as it needs, doesn't matter how much energy it's taking from you. It could take 5 minutes or an hour, it does not matter. Eventually, if you just remain neutral in its presence, it will become powerless. You may find yourself doing this multiple times a day but slowly it decreases. I get thoughts like (I'm going to kill that baby - yes I can see you judging me because used to judge myself ten-fold) and a time ago I would immediately panic and hate myself, but now I put on a smile, tolerate and accept its presence (god those coworkers are persistent!) and feel my breathing and the sensations the thought brings and soon that thought feels as distant as it would for most people. We are not evil, in fact, these thoughts tend to target gentle souls because we are affected by them the most.

Stay strong, be kind, love yourself and others because we who suffer are we who feel strongly; and to feel is to live! Its honestly a gift!
P.s. Im so corny