Incomplete bowel movements/PF dysfunction

I really need help making sense of this because I can’t do it anymore alone. I am very familiar with TMS and discovered it several years ago. About four years ago when I gave birth to my son, I started to experience incomplete bowel movements, which I now realize are pelvic floor dysfunction. (Went to physio for 3 years with no change). This was after a very traumatic birth, but the problem went away, occasionally coming back, but then going away again. During this time I developed horrible anal fissures, which also led to a fistula. I had horrible pain going to the bathroom and feared it so greatly, I lived probably at least two years in complete panic and high alert every time I had to poop, and experienced postpartum anxiety and depression. All of this time I was doing mind body work like journaling, somatic tracking and trying to treat symptoms with indifference. On and off I would get this same incomplete bowel movement feeling but after about 2 years it became chronic and so bad that I felt constantly constipated to the point of nausea. Meanwhile I am on all the fiber and a magnesium supplements that I previously used to stay regular but which were no longer working consistently. I got surgery for the fissure and fistula so I no longer had pain with bowel movements and thought my brain would now feel safe but no, the chronic issues with pooping continued. This symptom will come and go but here’s the weirdest thing. I go to the bathroom first thing in morning, it is incomplete and I feel horribly bloated and nauseous all day until the evening when I can usually go to the bathroom again. This is such a bizarre pattern and I just don’t know what to do. I try and be indifferent but it is so debilitating & uncomfortable and has really impacted my quality of life. I turn to my emotions and ask what are the symptoms preventing me from feeling. I do somatic Tracking so I teach my brain the symptoms aren’t dangerous. I meditate and breathe to calm down. I’ve read all the books and podcasts. I’ve journaled. I’ve gone to therapy about my traumatic birth. And, I’ve given up control and stopped everything in case I was doing TOO much. All of these things will help and I’ll have a few good days or weeks and then I’m back. I am so out of ideas.

 

Hi @petitebou
Welcome.
Can you tell us a little bit more about how you journal, and what types of topics you tend to journal about? When you journaled do you think you were purely looking for a "cure" for the pain and symptoms?
You mentioned thinking that your brain might "feel safe" by now, but sometimes things take their own sweet time. "By Now" is a time frame, and it can also be self-pressuring to have healed, healed perfectly and to never feel these sensations again.
There are a few things that might be happening: thinking about emotions when you feel sensations you don't like doesn't always work for people in the moment. If you are someone who doesn't like to feel the physical sensations or the physical sensations of emotions - then you are pairing two things your mind doesn't like and it's kind of a no-win situation - what ends up happening is that you are focusing and perhaps focusing on "fixing" the sensations.
You also mention somatic tracking. Did you feel that worked for you? Some people have the very same reaction as I mentioned above: it ends up having you focus on the symptoms with judgement instead of focus on them through a lense of safety.
It is great that you also notice that perhaps you were doing too much - and perhaps falling into what Dr. Schubiner labels the 5 F's, which can be so easy to do. https://mytmsjourney.com/resources/the-five-f-s-of-tms-mindset-retraining/

You've mentioned that you read books and listened to podcasts. Did you read any book by Dr. Sarno? Have you associated some of your personality traits with the ones he describes as common TMS personality traits that can lead to internal stress and RAGE. Have you looked at your possible subconcious rage, and way both of these elements could be impacting your mindset?

I know that many of my own symptoms did not respond to such specific things as "what are my symptoms preventing me from feeling" - I've had much more luck with simply knowing and believing that my symptoms prevent me from feeling difficult emotions of all kinds and that I was trained not to deal with them...which led to a build up of subconscious rage. Then you add in life stressors along the way, many which were created by personality traits which were also encouraged as I grew up things like: OCD thought patterns, perfectionism in some really random and unique ways - but all of them ended up making me be really hard on myself, goodism, legalistic: rule sticker (perhaps only in some areas of life), people pleaser... any of these topped off with major life changes like having children and the responsibilities of life when you really don't feel well is a LOT.

Are you able to have compassion for your situation, and have you had support and help through the difficult time you've had? We are of course here to help you with that!!

I think you are just feeling a little stuck. Symptoms return and you hop back into the loop. Know that people often have symptoms fade and then return (or other symptoms come up) and it's all normal. Your brain is just doing the things it does best ... however if you freak out every time the symptoms return then your brain is not only doing what it's done best, but TMS has also done it's job keeping you small and afraid. If you can begin to respond instead of react to these symptoms (which your mind will make you feel is impossible, but it's not...) then you will begin to get the upper hand.

PS: being "out of ideas" is a sign that you tend to lean towards being a "fixer"...