I'm gonna start posting more again

Man, I just had such a moment again. My folks are quite erratic human beings. When im not there they could get into a fight within minutes. They really try to stay calm when im around though. Especially my sister has been a huge sweetheart. I dragged her through the mud on this forum 2 months ago. It is absolutely insane how much shes changed. She was moving homes yesterday, and her stresses usually reaches us too. She gets agitated and just the whole house is under tension when shes going through stuff. But shes been incredibly patient with me and for the first time in forever I actually feel like she genuinely cares for me. It kind of makes me wonder where that person was these last 19 years, but I appreciate this nonetheless -- very therapeutic.

So while i was in the living room my family kind of got into an altercation and my immediate response was to start looking like: what the fuck is going on. I cant talk so i can only get attention through mimicking a lunatic. But whats weird is, the sounds werent that bothersome. Thats incredibly strange cause i had a terrible day yesterday. Anyway, I had already responded in a 'going crazy' way when the sounds themselves werent even that bothersome. I started getting mad at myself like: 'you idiot, it finally doesnt bother you and you still act like a village crazy.' But that's when I realized: 'I should just write about it and learn from it, no need to berate myself.'

That good moment has disappeared for now cause i went downstairs and i already noticed that I should just calm down a bit in the attic. I constantly feel like every moment I get a smidge better is my 'last chance'. Its not so much a rational thought but it kind of feels like every improvement might be my ultimate attempt.

I'm kind of happy that these things keep happening. Makes me realize that I'm not yet perfect. It's hard though, cause people getting into a fight is just not something I'd wanna be near, I have a reason for responding to it the way I do. I fully understand, yet it still sucks when I notice afterwards that it wasnt that bothersome. But I guess, for a TMSer thats par for the course.

I want to start posting more because this helps me release my thoughts better. I should be able to do that on a blank sheet but for some reason these posts have been way more insightful for me. I understand that its kind of annoying to have someone talking about fuck all constantly when nobody actually cares but I think I'm just gonna keep doing this, lol.