Cara
Peer Supporter
If I could change one thing about my life, it would be to have more time in every day. There are so very very many things I don't get to in a day, and I feel guilty and embarrassed by this. For example, I haven't been able to exercise at all this entire week--even just a half hour walk. I always need to be in the next place. I haven't done a teeny bit of housework, and my house is a chaotic, horrible mess. I haven't had time to even ask my kids to help or to set up an agreement or system by which they would even recognize the need for them to help. I haven't cooked any of our meals since Sunday. The weeds have overtaken my yard and garden. (My mom pointed out that one of them is literally the size of a tree. Literally--it's 12 feet tall.) I don't even get enough sleep.
I know the "answer" to this is to alter my priorities. But I have shaved down my sense of obligation to the bare minimum already: I teach and make sure my kids are supported in their endeavors. (I don't even always do that supporting, but I often do, and I make sure someone else can take them places when I cannot.) That's it. And this week, which was a particularly bad week with lots of department and faculty meetings, back to school night as a teacher and as a parent, two cross country meets and two soccer practices and two piano lessons, etc., I am at my worst level of pain. I cannot get into and out of the car. I cannot use stairs. I cannot sleep. I cannot put on my own clothes much less shoes. So everything I DID do I did while in pain. I really really tried to not care about the pain, but today as I'm looking around at all of the stuff I didn't do and still can't do because it hurts too much, as I'm trying to finally take a nap because I had an hour to do so but couldn't because my back and head hurt so much, I feel trapped. What is there to do? Quit my job? Give away my children? I love both. I just apparently can't handle it. I quit choir. I quit band. I quit the PTO. I don't have a position on church committee or any committee anywhere. I don't do a thing that isn't for the survival of my kids and the benefit of my students. In fact, I didn't even grade anything this week.
I don't see a solution to this situation and because of that, I don't see how I can deal with this TMS. I bought Unlearn Your Pain and checked out Neff's book on self-compassion. I don't have time to read them. I haven't journalled every day either. If someone could wave a magic wand and give me 2-3 extra hours a day, I could maybe find time to go easy on myself. As it is, I don't see how I can possibly find time to sleep or go for a walk or journal or read.
I know the "answer" to this is to alter my priorities. But I have shaved down my sense of obligation to the bare minimum already: I teach and make sure my kids are supported in their endeavors. (I don't even always do that supporting, but I often do, and I make sure someone else can take them places when I cannot.) That's it. And this week, which was a particularly bad week with lots of department and faculty meetings, back to school night as a teacher and as a parent, two cross country meets and two soccer practices and two piano lessons, etc., I am at my worst level of pain. I cannot get into and out of the car. I cannot use stairs. I cannot sleep. I cannot put on my own clothes much less shoes. So everything I DID do I did while in pain. I really really tried to not care about the pain, but today as I'm looking around at all of the stuff I didn't do and still can't do because it hurts too much, as I'm trying to finally take a nap because I had an hour to do so but couldn't because my back and head hurt so much, I feel trapped. What is there to do? Quit my job? Give away my children? I love both. I just apparently can't handle it. I quit choir. I quit band. I quit the PTO. I don't have a position on church committee or any committee anywhere. I don't do a thing that isn't for the survival of my kids and the benefit of my students. In fact, I didn't even grade anything this week.
I don't see a solution to this situation and because of that, I don't see how I can deal with this TMS. I bought Unlearn Your Pain and checked out Neff's book on self-compassion. I don't have time to read them. I haven't journalled every day either. If someone could wave a magic wand and give me 2-3 extra hours a day, I could maybe find time to go easy on myself. As it is, I don't see how I can possibly find time to sleep or go for a walk or journal or read.
