I was almost pain free ...

[alexandra]

It seems I'm almost there pain free and able to exercise and do things with out limitation and then I get too confident and I push a little harder, for example walk a little longer or jogg a little, lift my daughter at the playground, and them I'm back to square one with pain. I have to baby my body and rest and slowly start introducing activity all over again! I think it's the fear I feel when I push a little harder and the fear of failure because my dream would be to jogg, jump, bounce etc not just walking for exercise. It's a cycle I'm stuck in. The minute I announce to people that I'm healing and doing great I do something physical that triggers the symptoms to return. Anyone ever experience this? How do we get past the finish line when we feel we are almost there ? I'm waiting for Steve Ozanichs book to come in the mail, I'm excited

 

[Msunn]

Hi Alexandra

What you are experiencing seems to be pretty common. I know I've had that happen also, where I'm almost pain free, then symptoms return. It's probably not that you are overdoing, but rather the fear as you mentioned.

I've been told that on some level it's because I still need the pain, which really is not easy to accept.

I'm not quite at the finish line either, but I'm enjoying the journey a lot more these days. What has helped the most is mindfulness meditation, accepting that it will take as long as it takes, and crazy as it might sound offering compassion, love to my hands, rather than resisting, demanding, or fighting.
I've also done my share of journaling, getting in touch with repressed emotions etc.

Have you seen this post by Alan Gordon about breaking the pain cycle?

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Breaking_the_Pain_Cycle,_by_Alan_Gordon,_LCSW
It's a great article

It sounds like you've had great progress with lessening your pain. That's awesome.
As I understand it TMS healing is not linear, so when symptoms return or get worse it doesn't mean you aren't still making progress.

Wishing you continued healing and insights.

All the best

 

[alexandra]

Hello Msunn.
I've also been told Im in pain because somehow I need the pain. For me it started during an extremely stressful time as I was pushing to extremes getting ready to compete, perform, and teach dance while feeling exhausted as a stay at home mom with a toddler and feeling Never good enough in all aspects of my life. When I hurt my shoulder (which was the beginning of the rest of the strange symptoms in my arms and legs) I was relieved to have to take a little time off...Little did I know I would never recover from my shoulder injury and the rest of my body would fall apart having to retire dance all together. I've struggled with self image, I've pushed and chased perfection my whole life but never ever reached any sense of satisfaction as there was always room for improvement and i was determined to improve! I've restricted my eating and abused exercise. I always thought I was hard on myself because I loved the person I was and believed in my strength, ability, and power but in reality no matter how great of a dancer I was in other peoples eyes and no matter how graceful and beautiful I looked on stage the secret reality is that I HATED myself. I have added the affirmation "I release the need for pain" into my long list of affirmations and also "I accept healing right now" during times when I'm almost pain free to ease the fear of symptoms coming back. I've tried to get angry and push through pain but it creates more tension and conflict, a better approach is to love yourself, your arms etc...visualize the nerve relaxing and falling asleep, tell them it's ok to quite down and be calm. Love in the answer, not more aggression towards our bodies which are already stressed out...Thank you for your reply

 

[Msunn]

Thanks for you very honest reply Alexandra. I relate very much.

I've been a professional musician all my life. I was very involved in the jazz community in Houston for many years, being perfectionistic, never being satisfied, I get it.

I also played a lot of high pressure gigs being in the orchestra playing Broadway type shows etc. It's never perfect, so it's an unattainable goal and it caused me to be restless, unsatisfied, always comparing myself and coming up short.

Have you read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown? It's a great book.

Over the last several years I've been involved in a 12 step group which has changed my life in many positive ways.

I don't think I ever really addressed my neurotic musician attitudes though, and I think that is one if the main areas feeding my TMS. I've been exploring those core issues and trying to get back to a childlike enjoyment of playing and writing music. It's been very freeing to let go of some of that baggage!

Your symptoms really sound like TMS, starting with the shoulder and then moving to other areas. I had the same type of experience, but all my symptoms were RSI related.

It really sounds like you are on the right path, being kinder to yourself etc. I've just had to accept this process takes as long as it takes. I can start applying my perfectionism to TMS healing, thinking I should heal sooner etc. but that doesn't work too well

I guess like so many things in life we do it at our own pace. Being part of this community has helped a lot. There are many caring people here.

All the best

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Alexandra, you're going to love reading Steve's book. He tells his journey to healing and it was a long and tough one.
You can learn more about the chapters in the book by looking a the call-in videos in the general information forum.
I've been writing summaries of the chapters and you can read them in the forum.