I started journaling

[James59]

Until recently, I had resisted the idea of journaling. Though I love to write, I've always needed an audience. Keeping a journal always felt like talking to myself, kinda awkward. But since nothing else was working I decided to give it a try per Dr. Scott Brady's plan - 5 minutes mentally establishing a mind-body-spirit connection, 5 minutes challenging my subconscious, followed by 20 minutes of writing.

I started last Sunday evening, Easter. I've done six days so far and this is what has happened. I'm wondering if these experiences are typical.

Day 1 I just wrote a little about a childhood experience that I felt bad about. I felt a mild sense of relief when finished. Then, two hours after I went to sleep I woke up gasping for breath! Once I was fully awake I was breathing normally for awhile but feeling kinda spooked. After lying awake awhile I started gasping a bit again so I got up. My breathing normalized, and my muscles relaxed quite a bit. I got something to drink and suddenly my muscles got so tense I could barely move. It took me an hour or so to relax again, then I slept very well.

During the next couple of days writing got easier, and the writing time started flying by. I wrote a lot about emotional issues past and present. I felt a mild sense of relief that lasted a couple of days. My muscles were slightly less tense and a teeny bit more flexible than usual. But for a day and a half I had a new pain in my heel that I've never had before.

The last two days I wrote about a bully who beat me up multiple times in 6th grade and who picked on me a lot in 7th grade. I still haven't written all I can about this miserable time, so I expect to write more. The last two days my muscles got very tense and today I felt pretty depressed about life in general.

So from day 1 I've been noticing subtle (and some not so subtle) changes in both my mental state and my physical state as the result of journaling. Have you folks experienced similar things at this stage in the process?

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

James, journaling can open up mental sores we have long repressed, so there can be pain in our bodies.
That's coming from our unconscious mind so we do think about those early bad experiences.

I found that journaling took me back to things I wanted to forget, but thinking and writing about them
led me to become free of the pain. It's a progressive process and I hope you will stick with the journaling.

 

[James59]

I've been at it for 12 days now. I'm starting to notice some recurring themes in my writing. Being bullied as a child, communication challenges past and present, and being blamed for situations I had no control over. Interesting thing, I expected the first two would be major themes when I started, but I did not anticipate the third. It had never occurred to me this was even happening until I started writing out my feelings.

Now I realize that all my life people have been blaming me for all sorts of problems that I didn't create. For example, as a kid I had trouble with school attendance. I was blamed, but the underlying cause was boring teachers and constant bullying, which the adults in my life were oblivious to.

Earlier tonight I wrote about a more recent example. When I started I didn't think I had much to write about today. Then I found myself banging on my keyboard releasing a huge amount of anger. I lost all track of time. I thought I'd been writing about ten minutes, but it was actually closer to 25. And guess what? My legs weren't cramping as they usually do when I'm at the computer. Fancy that!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, James. You're doing great with journaling. I resisted doing it at first but once I started
I began to write a lot from remembering my boyhood.

Being blamed for things you didn't do, or skipping class because of boring teachers can add up
to the anger you felt and wrote about. It's great that while writing, you didn't feel the leg cramps.

You were starting to heal because your unconscious got the messages you were sending it
that you believed in TMS and the causes of your pain.

Keep going. Keep journaling. You'll enjoy learning more about yourself, as I did in my journaling.

It also led me to more forgiveness, when I began to put myself in the shoes of those who
gave me stress as a child. I began to figure they had TMS too and the teachers or bullies
were taking their own pains out on you. Whoever is handy gets to be the "whipping boy" or girl.

 

[James59]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm finding I'm also sleeping better. Though I still wake up feeling crappy, at least it's less crappy!