I am emotionally numb

R

runner

Newcomer
Hi folks,

I first discovered this community when I had RSI earlier this year. Thanks to Dr. Sarno's book and what I learned from the structured educational program, I am doing a lot better. Thank you.

However, some difficult things have been happening in my life, and I am currently feeling emotionally numb. This has happened in the past when difficult things happened which made me feel sad or hurt. For example, a few months ago I found out that my grandma is dying. At first I felt very sad and cried a little. But then it's like this invisible shield goes in place, and I don't feel sad (or much of anything) anymore. I just feel numb and detached from it. I think that I should feel sad, but it's just not there. And I just start thinking about it in logical practical ways or don't think about it at all. I suspect this defense mechanism was a contributor to my RSI/TMS: my brain prevents me from feeling emotional pain or other bad things, and eventually the feelings express themselves as physical pain.

I feel that I am in this numb state again because of the difficult things that have happened recently. This time the numbness nearly cost me the relationship with my best friend, because, I think due to being numb, I had a hard time feeling empathy and wound up saying some difficult things rather harshly.

Is this common? How can I allow myself to feel these difficult emotions? How do I overcome being numb?

Thank you for the help.
 
I think it is common for people to raise a shield. It is a good thing that you discovered that it works that way.
There are ways to connect to your emotions but it is very personal what works for you. One thing that comes to mind... poor yourself a cup of tea and sit down, close your eyes and imagine giving your granny a long hug... let expectations, reactions or thoughts float by, just keep going back to how it feels and allow emotions to appear in your body and mind. Don't get frustrated if they don't appear, you can't force them out. And maybe other members here have other tips that might work better for you.
 
Hi runner, I'm glad you decided to come back for advice, because we're here to help each other.

I'm sorry you are facing the loss of your grandmother. I would suggest that the negative emotion that your brain doesn't want to acknowledge is abandonment. It's a key human issue, and a really scary one, because to our inner child, it goes back to the innate fear of being abandoned by our parents, which means we wouldn't survive. That's one way to see abandonment.

Another, and I think more important way to see it is that Death, of course, is the ultimate form of abandonment. I suffered two devastating (and separate) losses not long ago, and I was able to tap into the fact that I felt utterly abandoned by two people who were really important to me (and who should have survived me, each being only in their 50s). Doing this was strangely powerful in a way I still can't really describe. It's like I had the freedom to really really feel their loss, because of what it meant to ME.

I also was able to recognize that I was only able to acknowledge my emotions thanks to having done this work the year before.

Because here's the thing about abandonment, especially when it is due to death - I think we feel like it must be supremely selfish to feel abandoned by someone who has died - when it is that person who has experienced the loss of life, am I right? To say nothing of the other people (spouses, in the case of my two losses) who must be suffering much more than I am, so how selfish is it for me to feel abandoned???

And yet, our deep vulnerable child DOES feel abandoned. And our primitive fearful brain represses that emotion, because it's too dangerous to allow it to surface, because the emotion might distract you from being alert to danger, which means that you might not survive.

The good news is that in today's safe world, we CAN acknowledge this deep emotion - acknowledge it, and accept it, and give comfort and love to our inner child who has suffered the loss.
 
Hi All,
I love the responses so far. I wanted to add that a basic technique to approach numbness is to sit with the sensations and not fight this. Feel it in your body, explore it, even though there appears not much to "explore." In my experience, the more we just hang where we are, the more things can unfold gently and naturally. This often takes some Inner Critic skills to defend our right to be "just where we are." In truth, our numbness wants to be felt too, and with it, the sense of isolation, and then tenderness may arise.
Andy B
 
Hi Runner,

Thank you so much for posting this question and for all of the thoughtful responses, it's very timely and helpful for me, too.

I've been quite low and reading such responses from caring individuals is heart warming.

To feel loss at some point, is a natural part of the human condition and our inner critic is forever challenging us and filling us with false narratives; could we have done more, been more, felt more etc. it's important to know and accept what will be.

From past experience, coming to terms with loss is never easy, but how we view loss and celebrate an individuals life helps take the edge away from difficult times.

I feel at times, like such, it's important to look deep within ourselves from a place of compassion, warmth and love. Knowing nobody would want us suffer or mourn, but instead, for us to hold on and cherish those life defining and joyous moments that matter.

P.S I love you all dearly, my friends.
 
Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel lucky that you folks who I have never met are willing to help. When I posted this yesterday, just the act of writing about it and acknowledging it seemed to help. I started tearing up right on the train... but didn't feel like it would be a safe place to cry, so ultimately held it back. It feels better to finally acknowledge the pain that I've been in during this most recent situation. I can relate to what Jan said about the guilt to feel abandoned. This whole time I was really trying to help and comfort the other people who are more directly involved in this current situation (not the impending loss of my grandmother, but some really difficult things between close friends), and felt guilty to tend to myself and my own pain. I think up until this point I did not recognize how much pain I have put myself through in the process. It has been the second most difficult thing I have dealt with in my entire life. I am still feeling numb, though I feel better about it, having recognized my pain. I will try to some of the advice above, like exploring the numbness and where I am.

Thanks again for your support. If you have any other suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I think I will try journaling too, since writing about it yesterday seemed to help.
 
runner said:
Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel lucky that you folks who I have never met are willing to help. When I posted this yesterday, just the act of writing about it and acknowledging it seemed to help. I started tearing up right on the train... but didn't feel like it would be a safe place to cry, so ultimately held it back. It feels better to finally acknowledge the pain that I've been in during this most recent situation. I can relate to what Jan said about the guilt to feel abandoned. This whole time I was really trying to help and comfort the other people who are more directly involved in this current situation (not the impending loss of my grandmother, but some really difficult things between close friends), and felt guilty to tend to myself and my own pain. I think up until this point I did not recognize how much pain I have put myself through in the process. It has been the second most difficult thing I have dealt with in my entire life. I am still feeling numb, though I feel better about it, having recognized my pain. I will try to some of the advice above, like exploring the numbness and where I am.

Thanks again for your support. If you have any other suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I think I will try journaling too, since writing about it yesterday seemed to help.
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Bless you, you sweet soul.

If you feel the need to cry, please find a safe place to do so.

Jack Kornfield mentions that by grieving and allowing sadness in, we are able to accept, express and integrate a loss in a healthy fashion. Suppressing it can only lead to inner conflict and emotional unrest.

I feel journaling may be a useful tool to help clear your thoughts, but by doing so please ensure that you are gentle with yourself and do not feel a sense of guilt for all that is happening around you.

I want to share the following link with you for a loving kindness meditation, which I'm currently using:

https://jackkornfield.com/meditation-grief/ (A Meditation on Grief - Jack Kornfield)

With warmth and love,
 
Andy Bayliss said:
Hi All,
I love the responses so far. I wanted to add that a basic technique to approach numbness is to sit with the sensations and not fight this. Feel it in your body, explore it, even though there appears not much to "explore." In my experience, the more we just hang where we are, the more things can unfold gently and naturally. This often takes some Inner Critic skills to defend our right to be "just where we are." In truth, our numbness wants to be felt too, and with it, the sense of isolation, and then tenderness may arise.
Andy B
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When I do this the numbness feels really heavy like a mental block and it's hard to move on to something else. It feels like I'm letting lethargy take over. I feel this way whenever I do TMS work. Neither avoiding, distracting, or challenging this feeling helps. It's extremely hard to think or take any positive action if every new chance to progress is met with this if not the lost opportunities and difficulties in the past often worsened by TMS. I lost many chances to learn, be open to new experiences, and become a better person because of TMS. Ignoring it doesn't help either. I don't want to either fake enthusiastic or low energy. I'm just stuck in cycles of minor symptoms and fixing my thinking, it never seems to end. Perfection is impossible but I just want to function in a more organized, healthy, natural fashion instead of overthinking and overcomplicating everything. TMS never serves me, even when I mistakenly thought it did, and I would be better off without it and I want a normal flight flight response that doesn't muddle my head up. It's the biggest nuisance and threat to success. I hate it so much. It does nothing but cause more sickness when people need to get their jobs, education, lives on track. It makes kind-hearted people suffer emotionally and rarely touches the callous. It makes people go from achieving their full potential to being shells of themselves. It's a thief of life, it steals more life than even the trauma that began it. It's the reason people self sabotage and miss chances to be better to others. TMS has caused more losses of relationships, careers, even a healthy sense of culture, more than anything else. Why should I be ok with TMS being a part of me when all it does is mess up my thinking and my body's own healing process? The subconscious does most of the heavy lifting and the conscious mind is so fickle despite it's hard hard efforts through lots of tasks. So tired of going in circles. Resting, medication, getting busy, nothing seems to touch this feeling that arises when journalling or being alone a little. How do you reduce and eliminate this mental blocked/sluggishness/thought loop that isn't properly connecting the dots and building something better?
 
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Balsa11 said:
How do you reduce and eliminate this mental blocked/sluggishness/thought loop that isn't properly connecting the dots and building something better?
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Hi Balsa11,

In my experience if it feels this heavy and repetitive, then there is usually some superego activity. Some rejection or judgement of the experience. I'm not saying that it then becomes easy. But it helps peel off another layer, in this case the rejection of an experience. Then on a good day I can work with the superego, defend my right to experience ----whatever that is. Then I can get more in touch with the somatic experience which is tied up with my identifications and familiar stuff. I can tolerate more and inquire into it. It "says less about me" and is more "witness-able."

I don't know if this applies in your case, that there is judgement and rejection of this feeling tone, but it might? Rejecting stuff just makes it "stickier" in my experience, so I thought this might be happening for you. It feels sticky to me...

Andy
 
Hmm...even when I just feel my feelings, my mind gets super scatterbrained and it feels like a million tabs have opened and it's tough to focus on the task at hand. It's almost like sensory overload but with lots of different thoughts competing for my attention.
 
Balsa11 said:
Hmm...even when I just feel my feelings, my mind gets super scatterbrained and it feels like a million tabs have opened and it's tough to focus on the task at hand. It's almost like sensory overload but with lots of different thoughts competing for my attention.
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Wow, this is the first time I’ve heard someone describe exactly how I’m feeling. The heaviness and the extreme resistance that comes up when I try to journal or find my feelings is almost indescribable, but you did an amazing job. It’s like being up to your eyeballs in quicksand… I’ve had lots of trauma in my life and some pretty significant traumatic events this year, but I’m almost always numb. The physical stuff is almost always there waiting to make the situation worse, then comes the shame for all the people I let down when I have to “sit out” of the game of life for a while, and also the shame from not doing the work (journaling). I know this post is older. I hope you all are well. If you’ve found any solutions, please do share them!
 
The longer I sit out, the more this symptom increases so I make sure I'm somatically doing well and I'm flexible with social interaction with nice people. Also, this stuff can sometimes flare up during PMS/luteal phase. Oh and having a consistent sleep schedule helps too.
 
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