I’ve been doing great; it freaks me out

Sounds are getting softer, how exciting — or is it? I just had my first short little conversation actually talking.

I just wanted to take this moment to appreciate the last couple of days, especially since today was much harder. So, I'm not sure where i left off but:

• I can sit downstairs without plugs
• I can sit in chairs i used to not be able to
• I can sit outside with just plugs when there arent planes flying right above
• I just started talking a little bit with a friend outside. I mean actually talking btw, not whispering.

This is pretty incredible stuff. Talking is still overwhelming, but i feel like im getting there.

It does freak me out a bit. I dont really know why it suddenly started going so great. I feel like I havent exactly been doing groundbreaking stuff. I feel like i just got an incredibly stroke of luck.

One thing I struggle with is the difference between repressing and setting aside. I have been getting some unwanted thoughts and Ive gotten better at putting them aside. I still kind of feel as though I'm dismissing myself. It feels kind of unnatural, and a little like the stuff i used to do which made me get this in the first place. I'm sure there is a balance but I'm not sure I've found it.

Today I've been doing a little worse. Not just symptom wise but in general. I feel frustrated and I want to fight with a lot of people. I still dont really know what to do with these feelings. 'Allowing' is the buzzword huh? I been trying to allow it, been afraid of dismissing. These fearful thoughts about dismissing I've also been dismissing until this little post (Do you still understand? LOL)

On the one hand this proof of getting better, makes me less afraid of getting worse temporarily. If I have faith I'll get better eventually, it doesnt really matter what my symptoms do in the meantime.

I havent posted in a while because i didnt want to feed into my OCD so much. At some point I'll just have to try things and accept that whatever im doing may not be perfect.

This is not at all a coherent message once again but I just wanted to share some positive news.

Its funny because I'm kind of cynically laughing while writing this because I honestly dont feel happy at all. I have a ton of frustration. But yeah whatever, its not gonna go away tonight.

Good night sweet folks. <3
I wish I could be here to support everyone but I really dont have a clue what im doing.

 

Proud of you Mani. You deserve health and peace and happiness, never forget that.