I’m done

I think the TMS approach can make sense for moderate chronic pain, pain that moves around, or pain that comes and goes. But not for severe, constant pain. I’m talking about a 10 out of 10 that’s there 24/7 and makes you want to blow your head off. This whole idea that “trying to get rid of symptoms reinforces the brain that something is wrong, so you have to act like nothing’s wrong while you work on emotions” is bullshit to me. Of course I want the symptom gone. I’m in extreme back pain that literally makes me feel suicidal. How exactly are you supposed to “engage more in life” when you can’t even focus during a conversation with friends?

I’ve gone running. I’ve gone to the gym. But after a short time, I’m back home crying because I can’t sustain it consistently. This whole thing is fucking brutal for me. I’ve tried journaling. I’ve meditated. I do it regularly, and after a while I just burn out because I don’t even have the strength to hold a pen and write. I’m completely fed up with nothing working. I’ve read all the books. I’ve done psychotherapy. I’ve tried everything.

And when people tell me “do nothing” or “stop fighting,” or my favorite “talk to your brain”, I try for a while and then I just can’t. I feel like I’m burning alive, and nothing gives me even a tiny bit of relief. Not even avoidance behaviors. I’m so sick of this miserable existence.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I would’ve preferred cancer over this shit. At least then you die with society’s empathy. Or even being paralyzed from the waist down and stuck in a wheelchair. I could sit in a wheelchair and still watch a movie and actually focus on the TV. With this chronic pain bullshit, I can’t do anything at all. It’s Christmas today, and this is by far the worst Christmas of my entire life.

I’m sorry, you are really nice people, but I think this is not for me. I’m tired.

 

I hear you. I havent gotten better yet either.

However, you sound really desperate. Understand me, i have lost my life, to the point where i feel like i would kill someone to just have back pain for a day. I know you dont feel that way, you must absolutely be in agony.

The question is, are you journaling and meditating to be good for yourself, or to see immediate relief of symptoms?

You see, I have always felt like this was my bodies ultimate way of finally saying: "no". I always told myself to toughen up and to just work through it, but alas, it never worked. Now i cant ignore my body, now im all ears (pun very much intended).

When people say: 'dont fight', do you actually believe in that? Have you ever had someone pinch your muscle? You'll feel pain at first, but once you actually start feeling towards it, the body softens up and the pain resides. This is true, i practice it a lot. Letting go is a skill that you can learn. In all truth, im not good at letting go, but do we have an option?

I dont have a fucking choice. I either get better, or ill stay my entire life miserable and handicapped. Its why i dont see myself ever leaving this forum; i dont have a fucking place to go. I have always found that pain lessens when you let go and you become friends with it.

Are you still meditating, are you still journaling? If you leave this forum, where will you go? Will your pain suddenly get better?

Understand: I feel about as hopeless as you do on a very regular basis. But i will keep coming back, because i got nowhere to go.

Maybe try to start with making yourself feel better about your pain. Its like tinnitus, try to accept it wont go away. 'Radical acceptance'. Just try to make yourself feel less bad about your terrible situation. You know that guy in the iron lung? He lived a good life, no matter how crippled. Try to influence the things you can, and make peace with the things you can not change. You dont have a choice, let go.

 

Do you really think that guy in the iron lung lived a good life? lol. I guess we have very different ideas of what a “good life” even is. What do you want me to say man, a life with intense pain every second of every minute of every day is not a life. I’m not saying I’ll abandon this approach forever, I think it’s the only thing I have left, but everything has a limit. If I don’t figure this shit out in the next few years, I’ll just leave this world and this miserable existence. Fuck this universe.

 

Well, he lived a better life in that bloody thing than others, myself included, would have. Havr you actually tried letting go? I am bad at showing compassion, im a logical guy. What are you currently doing to cope with your 'miserable existence? Do you have an idea why you even got tms in the first place? Did you do the SEP?