I’m a little scared. Will I really be able to work?

It’s been a few months since my last post. The six-month job preparation program I mentioned back in May will end next week. I’ve learned that I can actually attend classes once a week for about 9 hours. Of course, I sometimes had to find a place to lie down during the lunch break, but there were also days when I didn’t lie down at all and still felt fine. That was a meaningful achievement for me. Another big accomplishment was that I went on a 4-day solo trip abroad! I had such a great time.

But now, I’m facing another challenge — I’m about to apply for internships. Here, several companies offer short two-month internship programs to give people some work experience. After submitting the documents, there’s an interview, and then the placement begins. I’ve just finished writing my résumé and cover letter, but now that I’m about to submit them, fear is creeping in.

Can I really handle working from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., five days a week? What if my back suddenly starts hurting so badly that I can’t sit anymore and have to ask my coworkers for understanding? What if I end up quitting the internship midway? I feel like that would be unforgivable.

I’ve heard that in many countries, taking sick leave is normal, but in my country, it’s often seen as unprofessional. Not managing your health well is viewed as being incompetent at your job. Naturally, I also have to hide or lie about the time I’ve taken off because of my illness when I go to interviews. I’m not good at lying, so that adds even more stress and anxiety.

If I end up quitting the internship early… I can’t imagine exactly what would happen, but it probably wouldn’t be good. It might become an obstacle if I ever want to apply to the similar company again. (I should stop imagining that.)

Anyway, I’m really worried about whether I can work — whether I can endure the two-month internship. My period started today, and maybe because of that, I’m feeling that stabbing pain in my thighs again. I know I have to push through, but I’m scared that I won’t be able to. It feels exactly like what I felt before starting my practicum in my senior year — and that one, I had to give up halfway because of back pain. I’m terrified the same thing will happen again. There’s nowhere left for me to run now.

 

What if your back doesn’t hurt much at all? What if the internship goes better than expected? What if, even if you have pain and have to leave early a few days your coworkers are empathetic? Us tmsers are really good at imagination, just not the good kind, we can imagine all the awful things the future has in store for us. But what if you could use this time to start imagining things going well? And even if there are speed bumps, having the faith and belief that you could get through them.

Listen I get the fear, I went through something similar back in September as I resumed in person work after being essentially unemployed for 9 months. Yes there was a lot of fear leading up to working again. Yes I have some pain at work. But thankfully, by building a foundation with TMS work and frequently talking to my brain, my brain has kinda got the idea that whether it likes it or not this is happening.

reengaging with life is scary, but necessary to recover, and this is a golden opportunity to to challenge the brains desires to keep you stuck and in fear. You are a lot stronger than you realize.

pain can feel similar to an earlier time, but that doesn’t mean you are the same and that you have to react to it the same, have faith in yourself and, the knowledge that this is just TMS.

 

Great post, @Rabscuttle! and it’s backed up by your great example of fighting your fears. I remember when you were afraid to go back to work, but you did it! @wolgang, listen to this guy!

Lately something new is coming over me. I’m really angry that I’m so stuck. I’m angry that I’ve given in to this for so long, for being intimidated. It’s all a lie. Nothing is wrong with us! It’s hard and scary to go forward, but at some point we have to stop being bullied by TMS and fight back. The sooner the better. Fear takes us down more than anything else.