How to mentally frame upcoming dentist appointment

Hi,
I’m relatively new to learning about tms, but have gone through Alan’s program, and am reading Unlearn Your Pain, on day two of the journaling section. I have found remarkable relief from neck pain through using the strategies, and thought I was turning the corner with some tooth and mouth pain until tonight, when I saw what I think is a cavity on a tooth peeking out from under a bridge.

I’m 46, and have a long history of being scared of the dentist. At first I was scared of all of it, but working on it over the years, I now find the treatment part not so much of an issue, but the finding out what it is and what they’re going to need to do part quite scary. My mother was scared of the dentist, so she never took us as kids and as a result of that and not being taught to take care of my teeth (as I remember it anyway), I ended up needing about of dental work in my early twenties when I first had insurance (8 teeth pulled, four bridges placed and a few crowns as well). While I don’t remember a lot of pain, I do remember the dentist being quite annoyed with me, as have a couple of subsequent dentists. I’ve been pretty paranoid and careful about taking care of my teeth, especially in recent years, and the hygenist always tells me I’m doing a great job, but I suspect having older dental work and tight spaces is catching up with me. I absolutely love my current dentist, and she is aware that I’m a nervous patient, and she really is just the best. So I know she will be helpful, but if something is majorly wrong (if I need a root canal or extraction), there isn’t really anything she can do. I have a cleaning scheduled Friday. So while I was calm and trying to get rid of fear (and managing it fairly well for my usual week before the cleaning freak out time), I’m now not.

I’m sorry for the novel - I’m an over explainer. I guess what I’m trying to ask is this:

how can I best use TMS between now and the appointment to help me face it more calmly? I feel like I had made all of this progress and in one second it was all backtracked. And I hate feeling all of the anxiety leading up to and during the appointment. I think that’s one of the worst parts. Also, I just today (before I saw the spot) used the journaling to work through what I thought was all of the dental issues from when I was younger, and thought I had made some decent progress. Especially around the idea that it wasn’t my fault if something was wrong with my teeth (I had a different spot that had been sore for a bit, but after learning about and using TMS it has nearly gone away!). Cognitively I’m aware that these things happen, and when I was working through it today I really looked at the role my mother’s not being available (she was highly depressed and in bed for a good deal of my childhood and young adult hood) was a part of the problem, and that it wasn’t entirely my fault that I had to have all of that work done. But now I’m doubting that and feeling like I’ve messed up and now I’m going to have to deal with all of this as stuff because of it. So, as selfish as that sounds, I’d like to not feel so guilty? Because I guess I think that’s will make me panic less. Anyway, I was hoping some of you with more experience could help steer me in a better direction, and / or give me some pointers to get through the next few days. Thank you!

 

First, you are doing the right thing by going to the dentist and getting your teeth checked out. Dentist anxiety is real and journaling about it, deep breathing, and meditation can help. You seem like you have the TMS personality (like all of us!) so while those may calm you down, actually keeping your appoint and doing the hard thing by going to it, will help you as well.

Give yourself permission to be upset with your mom for not being available. Maybe write her an "unsent" letter telling her how you feel. Lean into those feelings-it seems like you are on the right track but it's hard cause we can easily feel guilt about these feelings toward a parent. But remember-we are not perfect and neither were our parents. It has taken me time to unravel mt my relationship with my mom. I started with guilty feelings first-but 6 months later I have established some strict boundaries and know how I want to be treated.

You may want to give the SEP program a try. It's here and free. It has journaling prompts each day and those really helped me see what I was repressing. It may help you dig into those emotions more.

 

Thank you! Yeah, I definitely have the personality…when I went through the list there wasn’t a single characteristic that wasn’t me. I’m kind of weirdly excited about that part of it, as it feels like something has really clicked as far as how I see things and how much I was doing to avoid facing emotions, even though I thought I was learning to deal with them. I went back to the SEP, and will keep that up. I’m thinking about reading one of the Claire Weekes books as well, as I’m finally realizing that all of the day to day anxiety might have a way out that is much more actionable than just “learning to deal with it” or the general emotional processing I was trying to do before. I had been working on feeling my emotions, but didn’t really have any tools for digging into what they really were - I just learned to name them in the last year or so, as again that was something I wasn’t taught (emotions were a big no no growing up).
Definitely right there on the guilt thing- that’s something I’ve been back and forth on for a while now, but I’m hoping that this work will help me continue to move in the right direction.
As far as dealing with the anxiety around the upcoming appointment- I really have felt like the journaling is helpful, but it says not to journal about fear or anxiety because it might increase that (unlearn your pain). I guess what I’m asking is what should I be trying to think when the fear comes up…lean into it, or away from it, or just pretend it doesn’t exist/ try to avoid thinking about it? I’m having good luck journaling about anger so far, so maybe taking it from the guilt angle or something?

 

I can only speak from my experience. When fear creeps in from symptoms or from an event, I just have to talk to myself. I tell myself that I am ok and safe. There is nothing wrong with me. That helps. Def check out Claire Weekes! She talks about "floating" through your feelings so that may help you with it as well!

 

I can now separate fear thoughts and anxious self-talk by knowing that thoughts are not truths. Our brains generate so much junk (look at people who write horror movie scripts!) and 95% of our thoughts are basically verbal diarrhea. I just let that float on by as I give it a wave. Notice, let it go. I started letting it go by saying no to myself when the thoughts came up, and turned to do something else.. anything to be distracted in useful way.. while at the same time feeling the fear sensations in my body. Physical sensations can sometimes be interpreted as unpleasant, but they dissipate quickly.
I’ve employed “tapping” which is a form of self-scripting a change in how we are going to react to these thoughts while relaxing and meditation.
Now I tend to become more calm as events near, knowing I can not control the outcome and will be fine. Even if uncomfortable for some time, I will be ok.
I have had serious dentist fears in the past, but totally trust my current dentist. It’s put me at ease knowing he will always to the right thing, and it’s his job to do the work, my job to be patient and hand over the control. At first handing over the control can freak out a TMS mind, but keep fostering safety with the idea you don’t need (and simply can not) control everything.

 

Thank you, Joulegirl, that really helps! I did try some journaling this afternoon as well as some meditation and while I don’t feel great, I do feel better than I usually would the night before something like this

 

Thank you, Cactusflower, that helps a lot! I love the idea of telling myself no…it’s easier for me to remember what to do than what not to, and I think that will be a good cue for me to then work through the rest of the process. Tried the tapping as well and that helped quite a bit. And I really need to keep the idea of not needing to control everything in mind…definitely hard for me, but definitely see where there could be a lot of growth there if I work through it. Thank you!