Day 25 How I'm doing

So today says to do a short post before starting on how you're doing.

Honestly? I think I've mostly given up on getting out of pain. I have truly ventured into all my black holes and scraped at all my rage and trauma multiple times over the last several months, with starting the SEP, switching to JournalSpeak and meditation, and coming back to the SEP, not to mention forays into somatic tracking and Dan Buglio's approach. Maybe I'm forever stuck because I want something to change and can't stop that, but I'm just beating all the dead horses back to life and killing them again at this point. Maybe I have just solidly convinced myself this physical damage is done. Maybe I could heal if I stopped exercising but I won't until my body forces me.

I'm still doing some work to perhaps alleviate my OCD anxiety and give myself space to rage where I can't out loud. After the SEP I'm not sure what I will do. I have drifted away from JS due to a bad group experience. I have Schubiner's book so maybe going back to that and trying again. Shruggy emoji here.

 

I think it’s a false assumption that if we do XYZ we will get better. If we dig deep enough we’ll get better. After a reasonable amount of time, we’ll get better. We aren’t deciding. Our lizard subconscious is. Who knows how long that will take? It takes way more time than most of us want. But if we give up, guaranteed it won’t happen. All the work you’ve put in… it’s not for loss. It’s all adding up.

This is a great video that addresses why it takes time— the first 30 mins. It made me feel better.

https://www.youtube.com/live/7wlCm650j-A?si=h2cbFNU7ErO-JqEH

 

A million 'likes'! This should be printed out and framed, imo.

The way I've come to think of it is this:

Recovering from mind/body symptoms is like falling asleep—you can’t force it to happen. All you can do is create the right conditions for it to happen. Just as good sleep hygiene—a comfy bed and a cool, calm environment—encourages the brain to cause and allow you to sleep, recovery involves practising habits and environments that teach the brain to stop producing symptoms.

 

Rusty,
I felt this way. And I honestly was beating dead horses right and left. Then last week I got to a deeper level on an issue I’ve been going over for years. It surprised me that I had even deeper emotions than expected still left after all the work I’ve put in. Now, I’m in a huge flare and doubting if I should have gone there (lizard talking). Yes I had to go there! I felt ANGER, my elusive golden goose. And I felt a brief temporary lightening (brief!) of my symptoms when it happened. I could easily say this morning—while filled with morning panic—that my case is hopeless. It’s a boulder I can rock slightly sometimes, but never lift. But I can’t let myself give up. I have to believe, that like others here in the forum who’ve faced a long shot—I, too, can get better. All of us can.

Helmut (the mindful gardener) emphasizes over and over how it got so much worse for him before it got better. It took him more than 2 years. I’m older now, I don’t want to take 2 years! But honestly, I’ve had TMS my whole life on and off. What do I expect? The data shows I’ll have this for life. But now I have knowledge and support—something I never had before. So I pick myself up by my bootstraps, and I carry on.

I know you’re tough enough. I know it. To not give up.

 

Just read it the other day.

 

I'm honored you like my story that much Jan! Thinking there is no hope is part of the process for many people. Some people take years and there's no way around it in that span of time. I think TMSers are more likely to have depression and anxiety which is another obstacle. The darkness of not knowing if you will get better is horrible and it could go on for years but then you're unstoppable when you make it.

 

John, I’m taking a long time. And your story keeps me going! Thank you for writing it!

 

Of course!