How do I keep supporting my hubby?

I

Itsmetamara

New Member
My husband has herniated disc that’s causing debilitating sciatica. Interestingly enough, only debilitating at night when it’s time for sleep. We have a really good day and night then bam, next day it’s up all night. No sleep. He’s been going to a TMS therapist and he is self employed so at this time he’s not working (3 months into this)
I work full time remotely so I’m holding down the fort. Nights like last night where I’m massaging him from 2 am until 7 am and then head into work absolutely break me. I have a headache, I’m exhausted, and I tell myself I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I am trying to be supportive of this but seeing someone you love in that much pain and then selfishly thinking about my health and pain now, I want medical intervention! A steroid shot..something… this is killing me too. It’s killing our marriage. We haven’t slept together in months, he’s practically disabled. But then out of nowhere there’s a pain free day 1x a week so then it’s just a mind game to me. I am so lost, I just need words of advice on how I can keep going through this. I read stories it could take more months and that scares me. I am scared I’ll reach my breaking point. I don’t know what to do.
 
Itsmetamara:
It's absolutely wonderful you are wanting to support your husband!
I think that Dr. Hanscom has the best advice for families of people with TMS. When he was in private practice, he would have meetings with the families and explain his procedure and how they should proceed...like nothing is wrong.
Do not discuss pain, ever. Make a pact that that discussion is banished.
Make time to have fun together! You may have fallen into old habits as a couple, and now is a time to make great memories and try new ways to bond. Play games (exception: you can't play a game with my husband. Mr. "I MUST WIN AT ALL COSTS!!" ha ha!), listen to music, watch movies, check out the sunset. On good days go for a walk (as long as can be tolerated).
Get assistance for the extra daily burden you have had to take on: grocery delivery, house cleaners (I hired someone to come every 2nd week and they've stayed). Eat convenience foods if you have to (that was hard for us, I cook from scratch, but it cut down prep time for my husband) - and get hubby to help for as long as he can eg. peeling potatoes or carrots.

Although the massages are intimate, are you doing it for his pain? If so, stop. This perpetuates the "illness" factor of TMS in the brain. Create some sort of boundaries. If your husband can't sleep, then one of you go elsewhere so you can get much needed rest. It's OK! You deserve it! You don't have to take on your husbands pain, you don't have to take on his suffering. This is his journey. You support him by encouraging his independence. In the long run, this makes you a much stronger couple and helps keep codependency in check.

The ups and downs of TMS can be unpredictable and a roller coaster. It's not easy, for either of you. The fact that he is having a good day every once and awhile is a great and hopeful sign! But part of the TMS work he is doing is learning that not everyday is easy, and that we go through rough patches in life, and we need to learn to manage that stress. You also need to learn to manage the rough times. Perhaps you need support yourself! Why not seek counseling yourself? Your relationship will most likely change and you can choose to view this as for the worse, or you can learn it can be for the better. My husband and I never argued before, there was NO rocking the boat, ever. Now there is and he doesn't like it one bit. I learned to say no, and to stop fake niceties and so many other habits our communication had fallen into, however, on occasion my husband also actually tells me how he is feeling now! Big strides!

It helps a LOT to learn to journal. My hubby is resistant to this, but it might help you. 10-20 minutes to yourself a day where you go in private and write down all the crap that has built up. Every emotion, anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, uncertainty and joy. Just purge it on paper and then sit with it a minute. Remind yourself it's perfectly fine to have all of these feelings - its human. Remind yourself that this too will pass. Patience and kindness for yourself through this time. Then tear that paper up to shreds so that nobody else can read it. It's done with and over. Take nice big breath and move on with your day.
 
Cactusflower said:
Itsmetamara:
It's absolutely wonderful you are wanting to support your husband!
I think that Dr. Hanscom has the best advice for families of people with TMS. When he was in private practice, he would have meetings with the families and explain his procedure and how they should proceed...like nothing is wrong.
Do not discuss pain, ever. Make a pact that that discussion is banished.
Make time to have fun together! You may have fallen into old habits as a couple, and now is a time to make great memories and try new ways to bond. Play games (exception: you can't play a game with my husband. Mr. "I MUST WIN AT ALL COSTS!!" ha ha!), listen to music, watch movies, check out the sunset. On good days go for a walk (as long as can be tolerated).
Get assistance for the extra daily burden you have had to take on: grocery delivery, house cleaners (I hired someone to come every 2nd week and they've stayed). Eat convenience foods if you have to (that was hard for us, I cook from scratch, but it cut down prep time for my husband) - and get hubby to help for as long as he can eg. peeling potatoes or carrots.

Although the massages are intimate, are you doing it for his pain? If so, stop. This perpetuates the "illness" factor of TMS in the brain. Create some sort of boundaries. If your husband can't sleep, then one of you go elsewhere so you can get much needed rest. It's OK! You deserve it! You don't have to take on your husbands pain, you don't have to take on his suffering. This is his journey. You support him by encouraging his independence. In the long run, this makes you a much stronger couple and helps keep codependency in check.

The ups and downs of TMS can be unpredictable and a roller coaster. It's not easy, for either of you. The fact that he is having a good day every once and awhile is a great and hopeful sign! But part of the TMS work he is doing is learning that not everyday is easy, and that we go through rough patches in life, and we need to learn to manage that stress. You also need to learn to manage the rough times. Perhaps you need support yourself! Why not seek counseling yourself? Your relationship will most likely change and you can choose to view this as for the worse, or you can learn it can be for the better. My husband and I never argued before, there was NO rocking the boat, ever. Now there is and he doesn't like it one bit. I learned to say no, and to stop fake niceties and so many other habits our communication had fallen into, however, on occasion my husband also actually tells me how he is feeling now! Big strides!

It helps a LOT to learn to journal. My hubby is resistant to this, but it might help you. 10-20 minutes to yourself a day where you go in private and write down all the crap that has built up. Every emotion, anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, uncertainty and joy. Just purge it on paper and then sit with it a minute. Remind yourself it's perfectly fine to have all of these feelings - its human. Remind yourself that this too will pass. Patience and kindness for yourself through this time. Then tear that paper up to shreds so that nobody else can read it. It's done with and over. Take nice big breath and move on with your day.
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This is very helpful, thank you so much. I will have to stop massaging. But I’m so confused this is obviously sciatica so how does this “go away”
 
Great response from Cactus.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

I suggest having your husband watch this old segment from 20/20 and see if it resonates with him. If so he might want to read one of Sarno's books.
Or maybe you could replace the massage time with you reading the book out loud together.

 
I'd like to share my experience with you. My partner experienced similar back pain, herniated discs etc. last year for several months last year again. He went on medical leave. It was so bad that he could not sit for long time, could not bend, had hard time picking up things on the floor, putting socks on, only lied down on a coffee table, or stood up, on and on and on. Walking, swimming, moving in a certain way, all pain, all complaints, etc. For several months, he went to see all kinds of doctors, therapists, and we tried to adjust every single pillow, bed, couch, flat surfaces in the house. We bought an expensive bed, pillows, pads, massage oil, acupuncture, rolfing, you name it. I had to do all the chores, working full time, taking care of a young kid, my live-in parents helped with the chores etc. too. People were mad, upset, frustrated, exhausted, no light in the end. Last June, my friend told me about Dr. Sarno's books, apparently it helped her colleague. I convinced my partner to read it (he was real pissed at first and said it was all real pain not psychological, as we learned later, psychosomatic caused real physical pain too, not imaginative). It also happened when my parents finally left our house after more than 5-year of living together (some highs, some lows, ultimately Irreconcilable differences on how we live etc.). I took my son for a 10-day vacation. I thought he wouldn't be able to load the dishwasher when I was gone, but I was so tired and wanted to take a break. My partner was left in total peace and he read Dr. Sarno's books, thought, journaled, and after a week, the pain was gone and he resumed all the physical activity by the time I returned to the house. He showed me by picking up the 45-lb son, something he hasn't done since he initially had the herniated disc in 2020. Fast forward a year, the physical pain is gone for good and the principles could even be applied to other physical symptoms, including colds, digestive issues, allergies, etc. However, the anxiety and rage are sensitized since then, and it is currently work in progress. So maybe no more massage, no more babysitting this poor guy with back pain, provide him space and time to read, learn and heal. You could take a break too.
 
Booble said:
Great response from Cactus.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

I suggest having your husband watch this old segment from 20/20 and see if it resonates with him. If so he might want to read one of Sarno's books.
Or maybe you could replace the massage time with you reading the book out loud together.

Click to expand...
Thank you. We have watched this. He’s read both Alan and Dr. Sarnos books and has a TMS therapist. I just don’t understand why such a crazy flare up occurs.
 
Itsmetamara said:
Thank you. We have watched this. He’s read both Alan and Dr. Sarnos books and has a TMS therapist. I just don’t understand why such a crazy flare up occurs.
Click to expand...

Because his brain is perceiving there is something "wrong" - we all get triggered. What triggers you to get upset? How do you feel - in your body when you are upset or feeling "off"? Your husband has learned to have the sensations of siatica during this time. He is retraining is nervous system that it doesn't have to give him those particular sensations when he feels emotional - and if he does, those sensations aren't dangerous, they are just sensations. He needs to learn not to fear the sensations, and to manage as best as he can when they arise. No freakouts, no wallowing, no complaining - and it's HARD to do. Nobody likes to be in that much pain. You probably don't like the physical sensations of being upset either, but your nervous system allows you to feel those sensations and let them pass. You probably don't freak out when it happens.
It takes time, like learning anything new - you fall off the horse, you get back on it. OVER and over and over and over again until the brain gets the message. It's a process and he needs to go through it.
 
Cactusflower said:
Because his brain is perceiving there is something "wrong" - we all get triggered. What triggers you to get upset? How do you feel - in your body when you are upset or feeling "off"? Your husband has learned to have the sensations of siatica during this time. He is retraining is nervous system that it doesn't have to give him those particular sensations when he feels emotional - and if he does, those sensations aren't dangerous, they are just sensations. He needs to learn not to fear the sensations, and to manage as best as he can when they arise. No freakouts, no wallowing, no complaining - and it's HARD to do. Nobody likes to be in that much pain. You probably don't like the physical sensations of being upset either, but your nervous system allows you to feel those sensations and let them pass. You probably don't freak out when it happens.
It takes time, like learning anything new - you fall off the horse, you get back on it. OVER and over and over and over again until the brain gets the message. It's a process and he needs to go through it.
Click to expand...
Thank you. Last night he flared up but I did not massage. Instead we did self hypnosis, a sound bath mediation and breathing. Even though he fought me for it and said it doesn’t help! He did it anyway and He fell right asleep!
 
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