Day 36 Holding the reins or driving the carriage?

Is there anything in your life you feel like you can’t control? How does not being in control make you feel?

I cannot recall many times in my life that I was just holding the reins nor times when I just let them hang free. I do know my controlling personality is happier while actually driving the carriage. Indecision or lack of action, can make me very anxious. But I trust myself.

When my husband was alive, I learned that I could trust him in the same way. After a couple of years of what would become a very long marriage, it was quite a relief to let go and let him. We rotated responsibilities so the trust was mutual.

But unlike previous times, today’s times are unprecedented in so many ways that they are impossible to ignore. These are the macro events that affect my well-being and are certainly out of my control. JanA calls them existential, further listing the categories. I can really relate to her posts. The world around us is anxiety inducing, confusing and uncertain. How does this make me feel?

• Nostalgic for how things used to be, including the security of having a competent spouse.
• Fearful of what may or may not happen.
• Sad for conditions I know about that I didn’t.
• Pissed about those conditions.
• Helpless to do much about them.
• Hopeful because I’m a Christian.

P.S. I felt safer when my beloved was well. And although those times were less concerning, if he were with me today, our mutual strength would see us both through. I’m quite capable of living out my life without him, but his care and death started my TMS in earnest. I’m recovering, true, but not a day goes by that I don’t wish for the shelter of his arms.

 

Oh Mtnjac! Hugs! ❤️