Hitting mental fatigue

I'm just venting at the moment. Pain keeps coming up in new areas but never resolving in the old areas or getting any better. Now I'm feeling shin pain which of course I automatically attribute to running even though I've been running for years, shoes are still fine, and my training hasn't made any big jumps. So now we're to total upper right side pain, from shoulder to hip and around to the abdomen, my hamstring and glute, and shins.

I'm tired. My neurosurgeon said I was safe to exercise with the bulging/herniated discs but the legs make me more nervous and that right side pain SUCKS. I want to continue exercising but I'm wearing down.

Rant over. I've talked personally with members here but just thought I'd throw my struggle out for all eyes.

 

Same old thing. It’s upping the ante on you. As soon as you can get by without raising a ruckus, it’s not satisfied until you’re freaking out again. So… more symptoms. It wants to keep you trapped in fear.

“Let the feelings come. Running away won’t prevent them. But if I accept them, they will gradually calm down. In the meantime, I’ll keep my mind occupied with work, so that I need not think of them unnecessarily. Every short respite from fear helps to calm your nerves so that they become less and less responsive to stimulation and your sensations less and less intense, until they are only a memory.”
— Claire Weekes, Hope and Help for Your Nerves

Here’s a good thread today on fear. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/deep-knowing-hypnotherapy.29917/ (Deep Knowing & Hypnotherapy)
Sorry you feel bad! I hear you!

 

Thank you @Rusty Red for sharing and @Diana-M for this wisdom and the link. Going through this hard right now I feel you Rusty Red.

The first 10 days of this trip and (really the last several months) the primary pain problem has been alternating knee pain. My dystonia has been GREAT! I have been walking at the parks and walking my dog and running about every other day at least and showing the knee pain I am just fine. 2 days ago I had THE BEST RUN in a year and a half and it was the longest I've done. As is my pattern, about 24 hours the pain or increase in dystonia hits. But now for the first time in along time, my knees are just fine, but oh man my left foot where I had my surgery is back in full effect. I ran on it again today and it was not a good run (dystonia wise) but showed my brain it is okay to do and it was in no way hurting more than at rest. Arguably as can happen, it's better with movement, worse with rest. Definitely feel my brain is upping the ante both with the flare with dystonia and the pain. Although I was really disappointed my dystonia was "bad" this run, trying to be proud that I choose not to listen to the fear and went ahead and did it anyway. Hopefully this is setting me up for a better future.

 

I think I'm frustrated because it's adding, not shifting.

 

I understand. I would be frustrated with that too. I get frustrated it goes back to old things I think have resolved but I do need to be grateful I get a reprieve from other areas at least for a period of time until it goes back. I am sorry it is hitting everywhere for you.

I can confidently say I am sure you are not hurting yourself running. Please don't give up. Your brain is trying so hard to stop you and yes it is mentally exhausting. It's doing that because that is the way it can get you to pay attention!

 

@Rusty Red mine can do that too. Actually, it's doing it right now!
You know what, it's tiring but that's just your brain trying to wear you down.
Here's a big hug.
Get some rest.
Find ways to slow down. Fear, anger, frustration keep us on high alert, our minds whirling and our bodies wired up.
Slowing down and taking some time out teaches the brain we are safe and don't need to be on high alert.

Have you been about to take some time, and not push or force yourself to run or exercise other than for the joy of it?

 

@Cactusflower I feel like I am working out for the joy of it but I guess something in me disagrees.

 

I'm angry too. It feels like my body is punishing me just because my reasons for exercise may not be the "right" ones. I do use exercise for weight control but that's not the only reason. I still enjoy it and I love doing races, but it's hard to maintain enjoyment when my pain just gets worse.

Sorry for whining. Really bad day today.

 

Interesting... I have a similar history and used to be very focused on calories in and out. Very interestingly I actually quit caring about that when TMS came knocking. I am sure my brain remembers the years of it however.

And whine away! We've all been there or it will be our turn next.

 

I feel like maybe stopping the scale and tracking macros might help, but man, that is a tall ask for me!

 

I think there is something to this. I had about a month off from exercise due to a knee fracture as well as shifting TMS pain that was breaking me physically. Eventually that all calmed down, and I’ve been exercising with some regularity for the past month. The past 2 weeks more intensely, and I’ve been checking the scale frequently and counting calories (I am trying to gain weight, lost about 40 lbs from the ibs TMS journey), while I certainly have other stuff going on contributing to a ‘flare’ in symptoms, my obsession with my weight is certainly playing a role. I used to think all this was the nervous system just acting erroneously, but lately I’ve started to believe that all these symptoms are a plea from our deep/true self. I’ve had periods of being obsessed with my appearance, and I think my mind is resisting that, knowing that it led me nowhere good and just to extending the goal posts.

aside from that, I know it’s so frustrating. I’m so deep in the symptom imperative, I’m in such a better place, but god damn do I have moments where I want to throw in the towel.

 

Doing baby steps. I'm not ready to abandon both but I stayed away from the scale this morning. Going to try to stick to that this time, I always cave!

 

"It feels like my body is punishing" "I do use exercise for weight control"
vs

"I feel like I am working out for the joy of it"

This is absolutely what you need to work with. Journal on these things.

Why are you punishing yourself by having fun?
What is the pressure around your weight control? How accepting of yourself can you be if that type of self pressure wasn't a factor?

Last year around Christmas, my husband was encouraging me to be more "open" with diet. I am what some people might consider very "restrictive" but I felt I found true freedom eating the way I did. I did not gain weight...until...

Someone posted about weight gain as a TMS symptom. And then the "pressure" (perceived) from my hubby. So I loosened things up.
And I gained weight. Felt awful, looked terrible. NOTHING in my closet fit. I had gained 15 lbs
I was unhappy.
Oh, and my husband gained like 20 lbs
So I took stock of what that "freedom" of my favorite way of eating entailed.
Hubby can eat as he wishes. 0 pressure from me, but I prepare the food at home, because I want to eat a specific way. He's free to do as he pleases.
In 1 month I have lost 20 lbs. and.................... I decreased my exercise! I was pushing myself hard (which is nothing like what you do, btw) and although I enjoy movement, there was pressure and a lot of it.

I had already known it, but it was simply TMS personality traits that did not cause the weight gain but my traits getting in the way of my ability to truly be free to do as I pleased without pressure!

Here's a post you might like about finding a "flow state" or "meditative" state within sport (from a TMS coach) - which is that happy joy spot of movement: https://www.thepfathlete.com/blog/flow-the-zone-and-meditation-in-sports

 

This is great, @Rusty Red ! Celebrate those building block steps! They pave a path (literally in your mind/body!) out of the "cave!"

And.....
What if this is the time that it DOES "stick?"
What would that look like?
What would life be like if you didn't check/weren't checking these things anymore?

 

I am starting to believe this more, too! It makes me realize I’m not in a civil war with myself. This is all for my benefit—I just need to learn what’s needed.

Oh, how I know this! Just hang on. Keep plowing forward. Look at ANYTHING that was happy and good for you in a given day. Only count the wins, however small. Refuse to see the setbacks. They are irrelevant. Symptoms mean nothing to the big picture. Be stubborn; not victimized.

 

I have to admit, the shins are a genius spot for this to hit. I am terrified of stress fractures but it just doesn't make any sense. So long running and no big changes in my workouts lately, shoes are still okay, and I have never dealt with this. But if anything will stop me from running, it's this.

 

I tracked my food intake daily for 10 years. I'm not joking. I stopped in October of 2023. My major TMS all came full force in January of 2024. I had given up weighing myself however years ago. That food tracking and obsessing about what I ate was my TMS back then. It took up a lot of time in my head. Now my obsession is bodily sensations.

 

Schubiner (and others) will say that the pain or symptoms will go to where it can get the most attention from you - the place that means the most to you. Again we are so similar. I am so afraid of stress fractures in my feet and so afraid of knee issues. Not that I've ever had either. But as a runner that is all you hear about from other runners... oh I jacked up my knee, oh I have a stress fracture in my foot. Those are my 2 biggest areas for pain and then the dystonia on top of that. My brain will give me anything that will prevent me from walking or running again because that is my biggest fear.

 

Damn, this is so on the money in terms of what symptoms arise -> gotta be able to get our attention somehow and that means the spots where we are most vulnerable to fear. I know for myself recently it has been ankle pain because meditation has become a big part of my life and I am afraid that if I can't sit crossed legged I won't be "meditating properly". Amazing how these unconscious processes take hold of us - for myself it took someone I trust to look at my ankles and be like "you are fine Ed" for the fear and obsession of them being damaged to finally abate.
Thankfully I now am back to sitting cross legged or in a chair and thoroughly enjoying the meditation practice. But even now a few months after, I still have to remind myself that there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankles and that hurt doesn't equal harm and all injuries heal -> I feel that with each reminder the pain holds less fear and to me that is the freedom that the TMS process offers.

 

Yes! It doesn't make any sense when you get more symptoms along with your original ones! Keep on doing the work, but I have learned to not focus on TMS as much and really only give myself 30 mins to journal and meditate (per Nicole Sachs) and then I go about my day. I've tried to plan some fun in my day too! Maybe it might help you have something to look forward to-it can be something small too!