Day 9 Have I been self-critical lately?

The answer to this question is a definite yes, although there's some risk of being self-critical here too so I want to mention that I've been so much better at being more compassionate to myself. And I want to give myself credit for that. However, at times of high stress, it seems very easy for me to be critical of myself.

I'm afraid that a friend is becoming distant and I start to blame myself and say that I'm too much for people. I'm worried about my therapist taking a long break and I start to be hard on myself for these feelings and tell myself to just get a grip. Even when I can't sleep at night, I start beating myself up over it when what I really need in those moments is comfort and compassion.

Something I'm now learning though is this self-criticism is another way of me avoiding how I really feel emotionally. I've always known it was a protective strategy from my brain but I never knew it was my own emotions it was protecting me from.

As scary as it is, I've started being honest about my feelings: telling both my friend and my therapist about my concerns for one. Thankfully, the responses have been kind and reassuring. However, I know not everyone in life will meet me in that way, I know because I've experienced it a lot. But now I know that it says nothing about who I am as a person, that it's incredibly brave to say how I am feeling and is an act of self-love. The right people will always meet me and when it comes to those who cannot, I know I can be there for myself.

So, yes, I've been self-critical. I've been putting pressure on myself to do the SEP "perfectly", to pretend I don't feel a certain way and I've been feeling more scared about having a flare-up. But now I know this is TMS at work, that it's another way for my brain to protect me from emotional pain. With that knowledge, I can start to show myself more compassion and to let my feelings be - to truly feel them.