Day 1 Guilt?

[Moppy]

Hi. Just starting TMS journey with crippling RSI in both arms for 4 yrs....nothing really helps pain. I seem to have often had pain conditions throughout my life which I now believe may have been TMS related. Ive ALWAYS felt guilty about having something wrong with me, believe its my fault somehow, and tried to hide the pain. Have others experienced this guilt? Is it part of TMS syndrome?

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Moppy. You are definitely not alone in feeling guilty. People post almost every day with that complaint. It is from TMS because of one or more repressed emotions. It's not your fault if you are in pain, unless you hit yourself hard and I doubt you've done that.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Moppy,

Yes, as Walt says, guilt is common with "TMSers."

That you are seeing that part of the guilt you experience is directed at the fact you suffer from pain is particularly interesting. This is common too, but many don't see this so easily... This is especially painful because you are blaming yourself for your suffering. In essence this is the inner hell of superego activity.

The guilt is essentially related to the activity of the Inner Bully, and fear about not "being enough."

One thing you can do is begin to observe the Inner Bully or Inner Critic "attacks:" an inner voice that judges you as not right, not enough, too much, wrong, etc. If you can begin to discern this voice in the feeling of guilt, you will know more about the source and the patterns of your habitual "guilt patterns."

Then you can begin to work with the Inner Bully, to disengage from its attacks. We developed this Inner Bully or Critic as a way to "parent" ourselves, to keep us in the field of love of our caretakers when we are young. The purpose is to "keep us on track, keep us loved." But as we are now adults, this painful repetition of inner attacks is not needed. Part of freeing ourselves is actually knowing down deep that we don't need these attacks, and we also don't need the habitual way our Inner Child responds to the attacks.

This is all related to Dr. Sarno's work in that the Inner Child is experiencing rejection, fear, etc in relationship to the Inner Bully. How does it feel to be made guilty all the time? is a question to begin to ask yourself. How does my Inner Child feel in this old relationship?

Alan Gordon's Recovery Progam on the Wiki has some good recordings as he guides people through to see and confront this aspect of our conditioning. I hope this helps put you in the right direction...

Andy B.

 

[Moppy]

Hi Walt and Andy thankyou both so much for your kind words of support. I've never participated in any online forum before so this is a totally new experience for me and I'm just blown away by your kindness and generosity to me a total stranger. I think the guilt underlies all the other tms traits I have like being goodist, and terribly self critical in all that I do...and always seeking the approval of others. At the moment my self bully seems to dominate my life. I am really trying to recognize it now, not easy really as its my normal thought pattern...but even in the last 24 hours I am more aware of it than before and really trying to feel its effects in my body. I guess that's a start isn't it? I've realized that some of the feelings of inadequacy come from my mother telling me when I was young how like her mother I was. She disliked her and always described her as dangerous, destructive and manipulative. Just before I married she took me out for a special lunch and told me I should always work when I had a family or I would destroy my children. She wss a psychiatrist and I always thought everything she said was right. Just writing all this has made me feel so emotional..... I know rationally that I'm not like she said at all. I have really wonderful relationships with all 3 of my children, all adults now. She also told me once that I turned out ok because she and dad channelled my more worrying traits into positive attributes. ..kinda taking credit for me turning out ok!!! I can recognize now that my inner bully was nurtured by all this crap but I want to avoid a 'blame my mother' scenario as she no doubt did what she thought was best for me and I did love her. I struggle with the need to understand the reason for my anger with my rational mind and the need to feel in my body that deep repressed emotion in order to let it go. I know I'm on the right path with this tms journey....it all makes sense to me. I will definitely listen to alan Gordons audios on the Recovery Program. Thank you Andy for pointing me in the right direction. I think I am embarking on a wonderful, though not easy, journey that will be very liberating. As you've said to others before, Walt, the best is yet to come!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I think I am embarking on a wonderful, though not easy, journey that will be very liberating.

Hi Moppy,
You write some wonderful reflections about your experience. I am struck by your clarity and growth.

I struggle with the need to understand the reason for my anger with my rational mind and the need to feel in my body that deep repressed emotion in order to let it go.

I can recognize now that my inner bully was nurtured by all this crap but I want to avoid a 'blame my mother' scenario as she no doubt did what she thought was best for me and I did love her.

As you explore more, the content of these two statements above will probably become clearer.

Yes, it can be very liberating to feel your anger. That does take skillful work with the Inner Critic too, in order to allow anger to go outward, rather than inward toward yourself.

It is very liberating to express anger to a parent who rejected you, in a safe way, with yourself, with a therapist, or a coach...not necessarily to the parent.

It is wonderful to feel the anger and not need to understand it with the rational mind, as you hint at. The mind will often be grabbed by the superego/Inner Critic to reduce your real exploration, your real feeling.

You can feel a lot of anger, express a lot of anger toward your mother, and this will allow you to have a better relationship with your mother, as you suggest. It can be a matter of being really with yourself, fully, and this leads to being with others, including your mother, more fully, more lovingly.

What I outline is not a short process for most! But you can re-claim your truth in this wonderful life, your real experience.

Also, for working with the Inner Bully, I recommend Byron Brown's Soul Without Shame. You might like it.

If you don't get the support you want on this Forum, post again and be patient. Some posts get a lot of responses, some do not. If your Inner Bully takes lack of response for evidence of how unworthy you are, that is good to name and release!

Good luck!

Andy B.

 

[Moppy]

Many thanks Andy. I will get that book you recommend. Just the fact of writing all that out yesterday in my post became quite a deep emotional experience and I believe something quite major has shifted in me....I feel very peaceful today and actually have no pain this morning, quite amazing given I did all that writing using my smart phone keyboard yesterday! Normally I'd have been really sore for several days from doing that.....wow! That's quite mindblowing that I'm already seeing the effects of emotional release so sooon!! This is so exciting.....and thank you again for your support. I did have a chuckle when you warned me not to feel unworthy if a future post didnt get any replies...cos I know I would've!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I feel very peaceful today and actually have no pain this morning, quite amazing given I did all that writing using my smart phone keyboard yesterday! Normally I'd have been really sore for several days from doing that.....wow! That's quite mindblowing that I'm already seeing the effects of emotional release so sooon!!

This is really wonderful Moppy. If you have doubts in the future, always remember this experience. This cannot be ignored!!!