Grieving time

Hi all - support appreciated

I’m 32 and over the past week I’ve been hit by a really intense mix of emotions that I’ve never experienced before. It came on quite suddenly after I slowed down and stopped distracting myself. Now everything feels very full-on.

I’m grieving the past in a way I never have before – things like the simplicity of my 20s (but ironically some of my 20s were miserable), walking my old dog Martha, and the early days of my relationship. It feels like those chapters are gone forever, and there’s a deep sadness and longing attached to that.

At the same time, I’m experiencing anticipatory grief for the future, especially around my dad. He’s always been my rock, and lately I’ve felt overwhelmed by the fear of losing him someday. Nothing is wrong with his health – it’s just the sudden awareness that time is moving and the people I love won’t always be here.

This is all about recognising that my own younger years aren’t coming back.

All of these feelings – nostalgia, sadness, fear, love, longing – hit me at once and feel heavy. I’m just trying to understand it and not feel alone with it. Has anyone else been through something like this in their early 30s?

Any reassurance or shared experiences would mean a lot.

Bless you guys.

What this experience is showing me is a deep appreciation for those who have lived beyond me. Life is brutifal (brutal and beautiful). Everyone moves on with such bravery.

 

Ah, nothing like a mid-life crisis of a sorts.
@CharlieEvans180 you will get through this. You're doing the best thing, slowing down and allowing yourself to feel it. It's just coming in one big wave washing over you.
You fear feeling alone. Your most trusted confidences and your "rocks" the ones who give you unconditional love like your Dad and your Dog.
The TMS brain is at work, creating doubt that you can make it on your own, that you are capable of emotionally navigating the world, but at the same time you have a deep understanding that you can because you know that life is both brutal and beautiful.
This time of year can be very difficult for people - not just ones that have experienced loss, but those who feel they have to "Do it All" for others to feel the season, or for those who are worried about what it will be like in the future when we are "alone" with ourselves - perhaps as being the youngest of an aging family.
As you slow down and feel all these huge feelings, you also learn to love yourself more thought it all. It's the chance to be alone with the big feelings, to feel resilient that you've handled even the hard things and to begin building into your life new enjoyable experiences during the difficult times.
What little rituals can you build into your seasonal holiday life that are just for you? Perhaps it's a season where you treat yourself to a massage, or a group meditation, sound bath, a facial, a jujitsu lesson ... write a poem to yourself every year this time of year. Commit to making a new recipe and adding it to your holiday rotation... whatever it is that can be comforting and your new method of celebrating life when our old holiday traditions are no longer available to us.

As a pre-griever (or as you call it 'anticipatory' griever) I absolutely get it. I'm pretty sure this entire episode of TMS happened because of the impending loss of my own Mum and all the emotions tangled up within it. This year I lost my own Mum and a pet very slowly and also my MIL and a pet very suddenly and unexpectedly. Both of these parents were very very attached to family tradition even though my husband and I no longer participated in them (because they were no longer available, even though these parents tried desperately to hang on and not have to grieve the changes). Within that, I think you are actually quite lucky you can feel these things. I think of my Mum and MIL and how they suffered emotionally because they refused to feel and deal with the changes of life.

Hugs to you. Be gentle and kind to yourself this season.

 

Your compassion in this moves me greatly. Thank you so much. In many respects, I'm grateful this 'mid life crisis' is happening relatively early on. But its also a grief of how long I've spent worrying about stupid shit.

My wife and I are also navigating a fertility journey - perhaps expectations of having a child by now - comparisons of my own parents having me young. So that's heavy- another year thinking it would be the year passing by.....yet remarkable gratitude we've been able to go to South Africa. Below is an image.

I don't why I'm saying all of this - it's a cathartic form of journalling perhaps.

But genuinely, thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

 

Wow, loaded topic, dear Charlie. You are in the deep water now. The feelings this “brutiful” life requires of us. (I love that word! Perfect!) I have had this feeling most of my life because my mom got very sick when I was 14. I was prematurely in touch with pre-grieving. And now I actually have a habit of doing it… which when you get to be my age (twice your age!); there’s plenty of opportunity to muse the losses. it’s really an exquisite cup of poison, right? Because it is mixed with beauty— all the wonderful great things about life. The losses are horrendous! (I’m actually shockingly in grief over my 13-year-old grandson… thinking of all the times we had fun when he was little…and how he’s different now. He’s growing up!) I just tell you this to show you that it never really ends. I agree with cactus just sit with it and feel it. It passes in waves. But I can definitely validate you. It’s really miserable! Sometimes I apply the Pollyanna method and say I’m blessed that I have such beautiful things to grieve. It helps a little. Hugs to you!

 

Anticipatory grief is something I’ve lived with all my life. I lost my aunt when I was very young and then my dad when I was only 15 so everyone who came after I grieved with the weight of a lost child. However, it’s such a blessing.

I cherished every moment I had with my beautiful childhood dog, knowing I loved her more than life itself. There wasn’t a moment that anticipatory grief wasn’t just pure love and joy.

The fact you’re already grieving is the absolute outpouring of love that most people only experience when it’s too late and live to regret. What a kind and sensitive soul you must be to love someone that much, please thank your emotions for making you so.

I also posted recently about grieving my life before. But I’ve come to realise I don’t think I loved myself before, I pushed my body hard (to the point of severe injury). And in realising that I can love myself, I’ve started to become “nostalgic” about the future. What it might look like, who I might meet.

I’m becoming so grateful for and to my injuries for showing me the path I was on, and directing me somewhere else.

Grief is just love with nowhere to go but Anticipatory grief is love with no ending, and a longing for forever - something that is both beautiful and human and beyond.

Cherish the here, and the now. You more than anyone can see how much love is all around.

 

I’m really sorry for your losses @Cactusflower - go gently x

 

This is wise and beautiful!

 

31 here. Yup feel it too. When I’m busy and moving it’s not too bad. But those quiet moments, yeah it hits like a truck. I find myself longing to go back, to make things right y’know? but it’s just not possible. And compound that with chronic pain and I struggle to make myself believe that the future can be good, although in reality I view the past with rose tinted glasses, and am mourning something, that, at least in my case wasn’t really real or healthy.

I think Buddhism has lots of good things to say on topics like these. Just regarding the overall stress or dis-ease or dissatisfaction that encompasses the lives of emotionally aware beings. It’s tough out here!