Day 17 Got its claws in me

Well, the symptoms sure got their claws in me again today. I can't see the damn computer at all (very blurry even as i type this). All sorts of weird eye sensations. And I am up and down between handling it well and handling it poorly. Oh well, oh well, oh well. Accept, accept, accept.

Yesterday I posted about how I now have just the headache taht one has when one has eye strain from needing reading/bifocal correction. But since then I have been thinking to myself: does that really necessitate a headache? Couldn't there just be the blurriness, but not the pain? Maybe...I've been working on it. "Brain, you don't need to send me this headache. I know all about the glasses you need and they're coming in only a couple of days." And of course just doing very little near work...this is tough.

At yoga on Wednesday night I was visualizing myself happy, confident and carefree very soon indeed: "trust, security, joy."

Next week I will be out of town, taking my new progressives/bifocals with me (they should arrive Monday before I leave). I am so scared and yet it is so ridiculous that I am scared. Presbyopia is normal. Correcting it with glasses is normal. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Onward! Courage!

 

You know what makes me sad for us both? How our symptoms determine, each day, our optimism level and happiness. What if we were the opposite? happiest with symptoms? Wouldn’t that be a riot? Want to try it with me?

 

You are on the right track. Recognizing that your brain is playing tricks with you is half the battle. More than half the battle, 3/4 of the battle.
The last quarter is using that knowledge to forget about it. To stop worrying about it. To stop giving in oxygen.

The part of your post that I quoted about resonated with me. About being scared about something that is normal.
Maybe I will make you laugh. Sometimes I get scared when I'm in bed and my nose is clogged and I have to breathe out of my mouth.
What a silly thing to be scared about. I also sometimes get scared when I'm really, really tired. One time I was jetlagged after flying more than 8 hours and at a 5 hour timezone change. I was so exhausted when I was scared going to sleep that I would never wake up again.
You see how silly these things sound? Yet they feel so real when we are experiencing them. So much emotion.

 

I'm intrigued. Can you help me envision what that would look like?

 

I guess just say, “I’m glad my mind is protecting me. I’m glad I’m learning things because I have TMS. I’m blessed to be alive, and my symptoms make me aware of my existence. My symptoms make me feel strong because I’m learning to ignore them and be happy anyway. I like the challenge of having symptoms because they’re like a good workout. They’re making me stronger as a person. If it weren’t for my symptoms, I wouldn’t be learning so much about myself and fixing my life so much so I’m so thankful to have them for now.” And then just proceed to be happy as if you are. Fake it til you make it. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I think I’m going to try it. I want to see what happens. But I think I should try it for a number of days— A week would be good, but maybe start with three days?

 

I have had good success with, "Oh, hello!' to my symptoms. "Thanks for showing up but I don't need you."

I started that with a hive that randomly would show up. I used to fret about it. Scared that I would get hives everywhere or that my throat would close and I would go into anaphylactic shock. (That was me being dramatic, I haven't eaten or done anything that would cause any of that.)
When I say hello to the hive and that I don't need it and go about my business it faded away.
So now I do that with certain pains.
"Oh, hello! Thank you for showing up. I don't need you though."

 

I will try it with you, Diana! Saturday-Monday! Go!!

 

Great suggestion, @Diana-M! I'm going to try to do a little experiment with this as well.
Since symptoms seem to come with so much "energy" maybe it can be sort of like Jiu-jitsu! Coupled with the visualization, like you are doing, @dlane2530 - it feels like it would be very powerful. I've actually felt the best at those times when I can shift perspective.

I sometimes even play a game of "What if" with myself, but instead of those things like "What if this never gets better?" etc.
What if this is the absolute best thing that could happen? What if this is literally giving me a superpower I would have never discovered? What if this is strengthening every part of me? What if this is like training for a marathon? etc etc. and then get on with living life.

Looking forward to hearing how things go with your exploration!

 

Yay! Let’s do it! I really like your what if questions!

 

Well, @Diana-M , I sure did a poor job on this yesterday! I am just a mess right now. I don't know if I can "thank God for the fleas" but I am trying. And failing. But trying.

 

Well, I guess keep trying if you want to. ❤️I haven’t been doing a very good job, but I think I’ve been more positive than usual. I just keep saying, “Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to grow. I know that you’re working everything out for my good. I know that I’m in your hands and everything will be OK.” And then I’m just steering my brain upward every time it tries to go down. I had a bunch of rough spots yesterday and last night. But I usually do.

@NewBeginning how is it going for you?

 

I think we all have our little tricks of what works for us -- and what doesn't.
It's like that somatic tracking thing. That is a no go for me.

I think the What-Ifs would also scare the crap out of me. My mind would go to the worst what ifs and not be able to focus on positive what-ifs.

So you find what works for you.
Recognizing and thanking and saying I don't need you is what works for me because I'm telling my insides they are safe and they don't need to alert me.
Thanks but not necessary. I'm good.

You will find what works for you.

Keep writing (or start if you aren't already) and get to the anger that's tucked in there from all the past BS.
Let it out.

 

I write, and when I feel pain, I try to connect it to something emotional, leaving aside the physical aspect.

 

It's been going pretty good.
It does feel like a great shift in perspective -- helping me recognize strength and resilience. That, in turn, seems to energize me more rather than deplete me further.
Going to keep experimenting! Thanks for suggesting this.

 

Me too! I feel better! I feel at peace. I feel accepting, Not resisting— And it’s making me feel better in my body, And especially in my mind and heart. Thanks for doing it with me!

 

I've been doing this, too, and it does help. I have been reflecting on the fact that when you are in an anxious state and check your body, it will not give you reassurance the way it might if you were calm. So I've been saying to myself something to the effect of, "You know you are okay but your body doesn't know it yet, so don't be surprised if your body keeps sending you fear and symptoms."
I won't be around for a few days...heading on a family vacation. Hopefully it will be a great corrective experience (and I'll get used to my new progressive lenses during it, too)!

 

@dlane2530 -Have a great trip!