Frustration

Todays task was to consider what I might find frustrating about the TMS journey. I get frustrated that when the pain gets worse it is often due to something physically I do or over do not an emotional trigger even though I try and find what could psychologically be affecting me there doesnt seem to be much there that has caused the pain to get worse.

 

thank you Jan can I give you an example and get your opinion on it then?

I wanted to try swimming as an exercise to get back into and get fit. The pain levels that I am in after many years of it worsening are very high so I decided on a plan to gradually increase my laps. I started going to the local pool and just doing one lap and getting out and going home. I did this over numerous days in a row. I then increased it into two laps and did that multiple days in a row. I was ready to go to three laps and when I did I had a big flare up that lasted a significant amount of time and could not swim as a result of it. I did not have any fear of increasing my laps no any surprised emotions about it or about anything else on the day this occurred. In fact I was looking forward to it.

I even later went back to swimming months later and this time I tried a different style of swimming however it still flared the pain well beyond what it should do.

this is just an example however I would like to know your opinion on it?

many thanks

 

There are many reasons for flairs in this case but most likely your brain is trying to keep you safe from doing hard things. Even the idea of swimming probably scared you before you went.
Anxiety and fear of increased symptoms. Sort of an expectation.
What do you do with that fear, that anxiety. Do you struggle to overcome it? Force your way through it?
Since you stopped swimming for a time, you were most likely avoiding the fear and anxiety at that time.
So now, in the moment, just feel it. Say you get in the pool and it hits you like a ton of bricks. Stop, hang on to the pool edge and feel that wave of emotional sensation. It’ll pass through you in a few moments.
Then swim. Swim one lap if you must. Just one and congratulate yourself. Don’t force or push more if you don’t want to. Do another if it feels good. Get out when you feel done. Not when you must have completed your mentally required laps, just get out when you feel like it.
You can come back tomorrow or next week.
You will become fit again when your mind and body are ready. This TMS work is a lot of hard work, you don’t need to do it all at once and if you keep being committed, you will get to your goals.
Right now, like @JanAtheCPA says, your main job is to learn to stop repressing a good portion of your emotions. Awareness by doing this SEP and allowing yourself to feel all the hard, crappy stuff of a lifetime of repression is a huge task. Start small, work up to things.

 

I needed to hear this today! Thanks, Jan!

 

Thank you When I am experiencing the fear or anxiety I try not to struggle to overcome it will force my way through it I just try to have an awareness of it without judging it. And then if it is the case that my brain is judging it I try and be aware of that also.

I only stopped the swimming until the flareup started to subside and then I went back to it.

The point that you made about getting back into the pool and hanging onto the side is probably the most important hurdle in my situation because Ive been going through this more than twenty years and whenever I have tried to do what you said it has nearly always ended up in a pain windup which is where the pain flares up and then stays there and this becomes my new baseline and this is how I have got to the point where I’m basically non functional these days.
So the fear of history repeating itself like it has so many other times using this technique is huge and I do not know how to get past it?

Many thanks

Bowen

 

Thanks Jen I am just unclear on where to show the vulnerability in this situation.

In the past I have pushed through and said this is just TMS however it has always made me physically worse.

 

“I have tried to do what you said it has nearly always ended up in a pain windup which is where the pain flares up and then stays there and this becomes my new baseline and this is how I have got to the point where I’m basically non functional these days.
So the fear of history repeating itself like it has so many other times using this technique is huge and I do not know how to get past it?”

@Bowen
To get through it, you have to constantly go back to the fact that the TMS is just noise. Keep reminding yourself that this is a nervous system with loud alarm bells, and your job is simply to turn them down over time.
I like that even with the alarms going off, symptoms flaring, you try to get back in the pool. But you mention it’s just kind of looping in a cycle.. you haven’t been able to turn down the bells.
It’s the fear of fear.
You’re already afraid of the first thing that happens.. which is the sensation of fear and then you push it away.. either you don’t want to feel it or you want to conquer it. How about just feel it.
Fear is a horrible, dreadful feeling. Lots of negative thoughts follow it. Let the thoughts float on by. Don’t attach meaning to them, because they are not truths. The horrible thoughts incite more fear. Let it come. Just take a minute or two and sit with it. Then when you get in the pool take it easy. Try a lap or two and call it a successful day and go home. Try it again in a few days and work up to your full workout. You want to dial those alarm bells back, so give it time. You’ll need to change your plan about why you want to work out. Right now it’d to work up to getting more fit.. but how about working on simply enjoying swimming again?
For a time, sometimes we need to recognize why we have goals and sometimes how they can be a little judgy and harsh on the backside.
I have been walking to feel
More fit. I increased my walking to 3 miles in one go.. and did ok for a few days and then symptoms increased. I looked at my motivation: to loose weight, to LOOK more fit = because I am not enough. Not being enough is deeply enraging - I still judge myself because my Mum judged my weight as “too much” if I was over 125lbs and I’m 6’1 .. so I get vulnerable with myself and figure out how to loose the weight without falling into the not enough trap because it’s a trigger.
The SEP will help you begin to notice your triggers, and then you can notice emotions surrounding them, and recognize things like subtle self-judgements and pressure that is unkind to yourself.
Eventually many of the triggers will soften and making and attaining goals will be for the enjoyment of accomplishment and not because we “must” do something.
It doesn’t mean giving up things now, it means noticing how you are doing things - the mindset behind it.

 

Such beautiful exchanges of conversation. Thanks to everyone.