Hi Folks,
I'm writing with a slightly fatigued state of mind, and I'm not after any specific answers - but if you're minded to chime in with any observations, I would be grateful.
I've got a history of TMS, most notably about nine years ago when a terrible foot pain struck my right foot while out walking one day. There then followed 18 months of me trying everything from exercises to insoles to, at a particularly low point, basting my foot in a mixture of cayenne pepper and oil to help with the 'inflammation.' An MRI eventually found there was nothing wrong with my foot, at which point it quietened down. I've also had knee pain, elbow pain, hip bursitis, diarrhoea, occasional fatigue, hayfever, asthma, depression, anxiety....basically, at least half the entire appendix of Steve Ozanich's 'Great Pain Deception.' Recently, I had an episode where my tooth was hurting badly. Turned out that my dental implant had mysteriously unscrewed itself inside my gum, which cost me money and worry and time. That went away so naturally I developed frequent urination, which led me into all sorts of panic and money and time - plus two GP appointments, neither of which showed infection. Now, I'm feeling very fatigued with a weakness in my arms and hands, that I'm tracking with detached interest - I can hold and grip things without issues, but there's a 'feeling.' And of course, it's captured my attention, and I'm once again trying to say, 'no brain, we're not doing this, you're safe, we're okay.' Sometimes the discomfort is in my shoulder, or forearm, or sometimes it goes to my sacroiliac joint, or briefly into my right arm, and I'm just watching it move about, trying (and admittedly succeeding) in getting my attention. I'm also wishing I could have my frequent urination back, so good is the symptom imperative at making us worry. The more intolerable it becomes, the more you look for answers and become invested. Nothing gets worse, it just moves somewhere else, so my respite from X pain becomes instead Y weakness or Z irritability.
My personal life isn't great - my partner's youngest daughter went off to university last week, leaving us looking at each other without distraction. I have an ageing mother, an ageing dog, and an unfulfilling career that induces resentment every day. I am mid-life, and a woman, so there are various chickens coming home to roost, and changes that I myself cannot change. It is a painful time. I have a stammer, and a diagnosis of cPTSD. I have a lovely, charming outer and a bleak, angry interior. I want to seem as though I'm good, when I mostly feel bad or resentful.
I needed to get this down, somewhere it'll be understood and perhaps 'held.' So, thanks for reading.
I'm writing with a slightly fatigued state of mind, and I'm not after any specific answers - but if you're minded to chime in with any observations, I would be grateful.
I've got a history of TMS, most notably about nine years ago when a terrible foot pain struck my right foot while out walking one day. There then followed 18 months of me trying everything from exercises to insoles to, at a particularly low point, basting my foot in a mixture of cayenne pepper and oil to help with the 'inflammation.' An MRI eventually found there was nothing wrong with my foot, at which point it quietened down. I've also had knee pain, elbow pain, hip bursitis, diarrhoea, occasional fatigue, hayfever, asthma, depression, anxiety....basically, at least half the entire appendix of Steve Ozanich's 'Great Pain Deception.' Recently, I had an episode where my tooth was hurting badly. Turned out that my dental implant had mysteriously unscrewed itself inside my gum, which cost me money and worry and time. That went away so naturally I developed frequent urination, which led me into all sorts of panic and money and time - plus two GP appointments, neither of which showed infection. Now, I'm feeling very fatigued with a weakness in my arms and hands, that I'm tracking with detached interest - I can hold and grip things without issues, but there's a 'feeling.' And of course, it's captured my attention, and I'm once again trying to say, 'no brain, we're not doing this, you're safe, we're okay.' Sometimes the discomfort is in my shoulder, or forearm, or sometimes it goes to my sacroiliac joint, or briefly into my right arm, and I'm just watching it move about, trying (and admittedly succeeding) in getting my attention. I'm also wishing I could have my frequent urination back, so good is the symptom imperative at making us worry. The more intolerable it becomes, the more you look for answers and become invested. Nothing gets worse, it just moves somewhere else, so my respite from X pain becomes instead Y weakness or Z irritability.
My personal life isn't great - my partner's youngest daughter went off to university last week, leaving us looking at each other without distraction. I have an ageing mother, an ageing dog, and an unfulfilling career that induces resentment every day. I am mid-life, and a woman, so there are various chickens coming home to roost, and changes that I myself cannot change. It is a painful time. I have a stammer, and a diagnosis of cPTSD. I have a lovely, charming outer and a bleak, angry interior. I want to seem as though I'm good, when I mostly feel bad or resentful.
I needed to get this down, somewhere it'll be understood and perhaps 'held.' So, thanks for reading.
was a reason to keep yourself in this turmoil. There are ways to stay and find your peace within it, or make other changes and adjustments that benefit you.
It really makes all the difference to have the support of fellow TMSers. This forum has been a lifesaver for me. I’m glad you are already starting to notice yourself more, and what you are feeling. I was going to suggest these things you said as some good journal prompts for you. Dig down and see what you can find.