Feelings are a bitch

[lexylucy]

I guess that's why we have TMS in the first place.

I am feeling some major feelings of loss. The physical symptoms have dissipated. But I feel very very sensitive.

I am trying to surround myself with love. And forgive myself.

My landlord is selling the house and I am looking for an apartment. I'll be looking for a place by myself. I haven't lived alone for a very long time - more than 15 years.

I feel a lot of anxiety because my space is being invaded with buyers and realtors. I can't wait to have a spacee to breath in and relax.

Thanks for listening.

 

[healingfromchronicpain]

Yes they are. I can't believe I say this, but fwiw, it's supported by Sarno: sometimes feelings can be so strong and so bad that I see how my body almost prefers physical pain.

Just know the feelings can suck, but they're just feelings and they can't actually hurt you. Feel them, then let them go.

Good luck!

 

[lexylucy]

Thank you

Yes. Exactly, I really see how feelings of loss can be debilitating for me in a way that sometimes can surpass physical symptoms. Plus now that my physical symptoms have lifted and are not working to grab my attention, I see how sensitive I am.

If they don't have blueberry muffins left at the bakery I feel like crying or throwing something.

I think also there is a part of me that fears being taken over by feelings, because when I was younger I would easily fall into thoughts of suicide. In that way there is a part of me who thinks feelings are dangerous and I believe my TMS is set up for my own protection.

So I am trying to be kind and gentle to myself. And kind to my TMS. Without letting it grab the wheel.

I am looking for a new apartment and looking at apartment after apartment with much disappointment as I haven't found what I am looking for but as I say it out loud I feel ok.


LL

 

[JanAtheCPA]

now that my physical symptoms have lifted and are not working to grab my attention, I see how sensitive I am.

Great insight, Lexy

I don't know if this will help, but I have found that in a time of emotional crisis (loss being a big one for me in the last few years) that reviewing the four core issues from Existential Psychotherapy is really helpful. The theory is that everything we feel and experience is related in some way to one or more of these at any given time. They are:

Freedom
Isolation
Meaning
Mortality

Just off the top of my head, I would guess that Isolation (and perhaps its cousin, abandonment) is a HUGE issue in your current situation, along with Freedom (or the obvious lack thereof, since you have lost control over your living situation).

When I had to process the death of a sibling, I was able to acknowledge and, most importantly, accept that I felt abandoned (Isolation), and it was amazingly powerful to do so. Obviously Mortality was also part of the mix of emotions, as well as Meaning to some extent. Having this framework is something I go back to time and again, and for me, it's really useful for quickly getting to the core of the deep emotions that my brain probably does not want me to access, but which need to come to the surface so they can be processed. Having a basis in the concepts of TMS (and having learned to journal in the SEP) was essential to doing this, of course.

The best of luck, Lexy - I do not envy you (been there, done that!)

~Jan

 

[moni-violet]

Thank you for posting. I am feeling strong emotions with lots of physical pain today, so the original post and the answers are helpful.
@JanAtheCPA do you just recognize a relationship with any of those 4 topics and then journal on that ??
Thank you ! and @lexylucy good luck in finding a new place to live !

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@JanAtheCPA do you just recognize a relationship with any of those 4 topics and then journal on that ??

I don't always need to sit down and journal it, but sometimes I do, and journaling is absolutely a great way to explore these concepts in your emotional life.

Here's what I always say - "Whatever works for YOU". The great thing about our SEP (Structured Educational Program) for example, is that it introduces us to many different techniques that are out there. As I was doing the SEP, I tried most of them, accepted some, and rejected others. There were some that I didn't even try because they didn't appeal to me at all, but they could be great for other people.

Everyone is different!

 

[honey badger]

Lexylucy, How is your apartment search going? How are you doing with your anxiety surrounding the apartment search?

What you're going through is a biggie. It must be particularly hard when you feel that you don't have your home space to retreat to. We all need a place to come home to at the end of the day, where we can shut the door and leave everything else behind. When that's not possible, it can be really hard.

When I was going through an episode of anxiety, one of the worst things for me was not being able to retreat into a safe space at night, to help me deal with my inner turmoil. I was living in a place (overseas) that had windows like blinds; that is, the windows were planks of glass one on top of the other and they overlapped slightly, like blinds, so when you "shut them" they were never really shut all the way and didn't keep the very loud and intrusive street noise out (nor the pollution). And the street I lived on was heavily trafficked by motorbikes. So the noise was non-stop, even at night, and it felt like I couldn't be in my own space, protected. It felt unsafe. It wasn't until I moved to a quieter location that I realized how badly the noise had been affecting me because it was as if I couldn't be in my own place without the outside world intruding. I can imagine that having people walk through your home, and even the idea of having to make it available for appointments, is really intrusive. It makes it hard for you to be able to shut out the world and take care of yourself. I can certainly empathize with that. Send us an update when you have time.

For what it's worth, the best tool for me in dealing with anxiety (I have tried a number of resources ... in my desperate search), was Claire Weekes', Hope and Help for Your Nerves. It's mercifully available on kindle format so I was able to have this available to me overseas.

 

[Penny2007]

@lexylucy - I can relate to you on a couple of levels.

Regarding feelings - this strikes a cord with me:
"when I was younger I would easily fall into thoughts of suicide. In that way there is a part of me who thinks feelings are dangerous and I believe my TMS is set up for my own protection. "

When I was younger I was surrounded by clinically depressed people. Both of my parents and another close relative suffered from depression. They were all hospitalized at some point and I remember how scary it was visiting them in the psych hospital at a young age. In addition, I mostly had to fend for myself as a child because of this dis-functionality in the family. This is one of the reasons I repress sadness. I am terrified that I will become like them and not be able to function. If I let myself get depressed, who will take care of all the responsibilities I have and who will take care of me? What I need to remind myself is that sadness is not depression. If I feel sadness it will pass. It doesn't mean I'll go into clinical depression and be hospitalized.

The other thing is the stress of moving. I've moved many times in my married life and it became increasingly stressful each time. In CBT therapy I discovered that it all boiled down to feeling like a looser that I wasn't able to buy a home and provide more stability for my family. Most people I knew owned their homes and not owning made me feel like a failure. In addition, being at the mercy of others (telling you to move whenever they want, having to deal with buyers coming through your private place) put me in a place where I was not in control which I found is very bad for TMS. There's also the perfectionist and goodist issues. I always felt I had to clean up with people came over, even though it wasn't my house that was being sold or being rented to someone else and this was likely enraging. So much stuff rolled into the stress of moving...

I'm finding mindful meditation useful. It helps you be aware of all these thoughts that spin out of control and then you realize that they are "just" thoughts and not facts. We are a product of our past and reflect these emotions into the future by way of fear and worry. Being in the present helps you to calm down which alleviates the pain.