Feeling low.. again

[Ana321]

Hey all,

Been a month or so since my last post and i am still feeling pretty down. I have had some major changes in my life, coming home after living 6 months abroad, moving houses, stress of full time study, being back with family, friends and various triggers.

My pain has been pretty rough and just now i had a pretty bad attack in front of my mother and sister. It's like there is a part of me that just doesn't want to let go, it is angry at the world and wants to limp and hobble and cripple myself on purpose to spite everyone and everything around me. Has anyone else felt this way at all? The logical and conscious part of me realises what i am doing and wants it to stop but its like it is hopeless, there is a stubborn part, so so stubborn that wants sympathy and pain inflicted on everyone around me through me..if that makes sense.

I just don't know how much of this i can take. I had success at the start of discovering all about TMS and now its just like the more i realise the worse the pain gets. I just want to find that place of peace and heal. Every time i am feeling a bit better and there is less pain its like i want it back straight away and when its there i just want it to go away but i dont let it go away.

Overcoming this inner conflict seems so difficult at the moment. I just need some advice and support.

Thanks guys.

Ana

 

[Boston Redsox]

Go deep into the pain not away from it when u resists it persist .....

 

[Ellen]

Hi Ana,

It sounds like you don't want to be wherever you are--in pain or out of pain. You have begun to see this by being very honest with yourself, and that is a great first step. What kinds of strategies are using to work on your TMS? Are you journaling, doing the SEP, seeing a therapist, doing meditation, exercise or yoga? These are all things that could help you move forward. Are you reading about TMS? You can move forward and recover, but for most of us it takes time and persistence. Let us know what you're trying and then we can give you some recommendations.

Best wishes....

 

[Anne Walker]

Hi Ana,

This makes sense what you are saying. I remember I used to blame myself for the pain, I felt that it was persisting because I wanted to punish myself for some reason and I could not let it go. It is important to recognize the internal bully, I have a very powerful one, and I bet you do too. Have you read anything about the internal bully in Alan Gordon's work? If you haven't, please do, I think it will help. There is a whole section on him on this board. I also remember feeling engulfed by sadness when I first realized that all the pain I had suffered was not some external, structural thing that just happened to me. It was my mind creating the pain! But don't forget it is your subconscious mind. This is not something you are consciously doing to yourself, you are not responsible and you can't think of it in that way. We all have long standing patterns of thinking, habitual ways that we handle stress, emotions, conflict... Part of TMS recovery is developing the self awareness of how you are thinking and reacting... to your past and the present. The tough part is, the awareness is not always enough to change it. It takes a lot of reinforcement, practice, discipline. And that is not easy when you are in pain, fear, continuously beating yourself up and feeling bad that you are somehow not good enough to conquer this subconscious beast. I have no idea how you actually feel but I know I have felt this way numerous times. I felt a little discouraged today. The first step is noticing how you are feeling and then not reacting or escalating it too much. Just be with it and have confidence that you will not always feel this way. Think of something that you can do that might bring yourself a little comfort and pleasure. Practice being as kind to yourself as you can. Yes, it takes practice, for some of us it does not come naturally. Then when you feel a little joy, a smile, or laugh, run with it, build on it, reinforce it however you can. It will grow, and once what was just a moment will become an afternoon, and then a day, and then one day you'll stop and realize that you are okay, that you don't feel much pain anymore.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

It's like there is a part of me that just doesn't want to let go, it is angry at the world and wants to limp and hobble and cripple myself on purpose to spite everyone and everything around me. Has anyone else felt this way at all? The logical and conscious part of me realises what i am doing and wants it to stop but its like it is hopeless, there is a stubborn part, so so stubborn that wants sympathy and pain inflicted on everyone around me through me..if that makes sense.

Hi Ana,
I agree with Anne that the feeling that your TMS it is your own fault is your Inner Bully (or Inner Critic or Superego) working you over. These thoughts are not good information to work with. Truly, you are not "doing this to yourself!!" Dr. Sarno himself said this (paraphrased): "The idea that the sufferer is getting something out of their symptoms is called 'secondary gain' and is not true in TMS sufferers." He dismissed, for instance, the idea that the man is in pain so he doesn't have to take out the garbage. Your ideas of what you might "get out of it" are more subtle. And they are not correct. Sarno is very clear on this.

Observe that thought or "attack" that you are doing this to yourself, and defend your "right to be" with all the anger you can. Tell that part of you that makes you wrong for being in pain to "Back Off!!!" Your loving self has empathy that you are suffering. It does not blame you for it. Try to discern where the messages are coming from in you, and take appropriate action. If you are made to feel wrong inside, this is not inner guidance or empathy. It is an attack from the Inner Bully!

At the same time Ana, this is the way we are built inside, to have this kind of self-attack, this self-doubt and self-rejection. It takes time and persistence and support to work with these powerful forces that make the "inner hell realms" of self-rejection. Mostly in our society, people believe and listen to the Inner Bully and let it run their lives. Don't. Hang in there, get support, and don't give up.

Andy B.

 

[Ana321]

Hey guys,

Ellen, i think you are right when you say i dont want to be where i am at the moment, even just realising that.. I seem to think i am doing a whole lot but really, i have been struggling with time and am mostly consistent with my meditation and have been speaking to a TMS therapist once a week. I think i need to journal more, and i am trying to get into yoga although the pain kind of scares me out of doing it.. I also haven't been exercising lately which i think is pretty important, just been struggling with the move and full time study, i feel like all i have been doing is working lately.

I do think the internal bully is pretty bad with me, it's like any moment i am feeling happy or ok i am not allowing to happen, just kind of feel like i am stuck in this cycle of suffering, maybe affirmations would help? I also think 'tapping' might be useful.. has anyone utilised this technique? Thanks for shedding more light on the inner bully because i have been (non compassionately) beating myself up over beating myself up, if that makes sense.. Just been feeling like i am trying to use the pain somehow, a more compassionate stance on where it is coming from would probably help a lot..

I have been slack in journalling, maybe that is an issue, i have been consistent with meditation though, it just feels like a never-ending struggle, a curse. I keep trying to tell myself if others have gotten through this then i can too.

Thanks for the support guys.

Ana

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Thanks for shedding more light on the inner bully because i have been (non compassionately) beating myself up over beating myself up, if that makes sense..

This is great to see Ana. I hear more relaxation in your post, more self-compassion.

Just seeing how you are getting caught in this Inner Bully "hell" can bring compassion for yourself. "You feel like you can't stop beating yourself up, and this is really hard for you." You can have contact with your suffering, and not make yourself more wrong for it! It just is...

Glad you're feeling supported and understood. We've all been through, and continue to deal with the various "hells" ourselves.

Andy B.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Ana, try not to spend too much time each day thinking about TMS , journaling, or your pain or how to heal.
Dr. Sarno cautions that we can overdo it. Just half an hour a day, certainly no more than an hour. Spend
the rest of the day doing things you enjoy, that lighten your spirits, hopefully things that make you laugh.

Tell your Inner Bully you are in control of your time and your feelings for yourself.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Remember how great if felt when you were in kindergarten and the teacher told you and
the whole class to stretch your arms out on the desk, rest your head in them, and take a nap?

Even just the thought of it makes me feel restful and sleepy.