Day 11 Exercise

[valerie]

I exercised today - I am taking swimming lessons so I spent about 15 minutes with my coach and swam for about 45 total. I have feared swimming for as long as I remember so I am forcing myself to do it and overcome that.
I really want to get back on my bicycle though and I still kind of fear doing that. The swimming is at the same time hard and scary and feels "safe" like it won't hurt me. Today my pain has been the most difficult it has been since I started the program - and i'm not sure if it is stress from work or if somehow I am still thinking there may be something wrong with me. I watched the 20/20 Dr. Sarno story with my husband tonight and felt a little better. but the rest hasn't helped me so much today.
Anyway, time for bed now - look forward to less pain tomorrow!

 

[Stella]

Keep focusing on the psychological not the physical pain. What are you thinking when you have pain? Or what happened during the day that did not feel good emotionally? Did you disappoint someone? Was someone unhappy with you? Were you critical of yourself for a mistake? Did you not complete something perfectly? What is going on in your head?

 

[valerie]

I disagreed with my new boss on his way of handling a project. I actually was pretty good I thought about telling him what I thought; even though I had to accept what he wanted.
I may have to fly across country to work on a project and I am nervous about that. The last time I was there was when my pain started. I am wondering if the pain is trying to protect me from revisiting that.

 

[Leslie]

I disagreed with my new boss on his way of handling a project. I actually was pretty good I thought about telling him what I thought; even though I had to accept what he wanted..

Having to accept something that isn't what you want is a pretty good source of rage, even if you did handle expressing your thoughts on the subject well. The conscious adult in you recognized that there are times you have to do things you'd rather not do to maintain employment, but that pesky inner child wants what she wants - and she didn't get it. Recognize that she's justified in her tantrum and see if you can console her a bit. I've found that it helpful when situations like this come up for me to actually sit by myself somewhere and talk to that "little me". I talk to her just like a would a very young child, I tell her I understand that she's angry and that it's ok to be angry, and go from there. Sometimes all it takes is validating the tantrum for it to stop - often the child just wants to know she's heard.

I may have to fly across country to work on a project and I am nervous about that. The last time I was there was when my pain started. I am wondering if the pain is trying to protect me from revisiting that.

Most likely the pain is trying to distract you from the fear. The TMS experts talk and write a lot about the role of anger in TMS but I see that fear actually has a larger role for myself. In fact, when I let my hyper-analytical mind run wild on itself, most times I can dissect something that I'm angry about down to the point where the anger is actually the result of a fear.

 

[valerie]

Most likely the pain is trying to distract you from the fear. The TMS experts talk and write a lot about the role of anger in TMS but I see that fear actually has a larger role for myself. In fact, when I let my hyper-analytical mind run wild on itself, most times I can dissect something that I'm angry about down to the point where the anger is actually the result of a fear.

I agree Leslie, I think that fear seems to affect my pain more - my fear that I won't do a good job, that I am out of my league, or that I will get on the airplane and the pain will come back. This makes me angry at myself and seems to make it worse. But I am not out of my league and I know there is nothing structurally wrong with me, so I should have nothing to fear

 

[Stella]

Valerie,
I think you are anticipating the same type of situation occuring that happened the last time you were on this trip. Maybe the project results were disappointing and you blamed yourself. Or you did not perform at the unrealistic high level you expected then beat yourself up. Think about, as Leslie said, what are you fearing will happen.

 

[valerie]

it's all very interesting to think about and try to overcome the fear. I think in the last year I have been far too accommodating on this project and have held in a lot of emotions - including a lot of anger I am sure. I am recognizing this and trying to address it and sometimes when i get scared or uncertain I feel that little twinge. It's actually comforting for me to feel there is nothing physically wrong and nothing that will hold me back from doing my best.

 

[Leslie]

The same thing happens to me Valerie. In fact, it's happening as I type. Right now I am working as a nanny. When I took the job the family had 2 children ages 1 and 3. Shortly after I took the job they found out they were expecting and now there are 3 children under the age of 5, 2 of which are in diapers. The mother has been on maternity leave so I have not watched all 3 at one time yet. Recently the mother and the oldest child were out of town for a few days and I watched the 2 youngest for 9 hour days. Those days were a learning experience for me. Don't get me wrong, they kids are great, but it was a reality check for me and now I am really questioning whether or not I can actually handle all 3 of them for 8+ hours a day when the mom goes back to work. I've come to the conclusion that she and I need to have a conversation. She and her family deserve my best and I'm afraid my best may not be good enough with 3 of them. I think the best thing to do is to talk to her about my concerns and find out exactly what her expectations of me will be when she returns to work. Enter twinges - I plan to have this conversation tomorrow. I'm trying really hard to control it but my anxiety is on overdrive right now. I'm working towards being a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser but both of them are being triggered. FEAR - fear of telling someone I may not be able to do something, fear of disappointing someone, fear of falling short of someone's expectations, fear of adding stress to an already stressed out mom, fear of having to tell another human being that I am not a super hero...and anger about being fearful.

I woke up completely pain-free today, but during the course of conversations with people close to me, as I started realizing I really might not be able to handle this and it might not be the best thing for me, the muscles were tightening and tightening and the dull ache is here. I'm the accommodater, I'm the "yes", "sure", "no problem" person. I'm not the "difficult conversation", "about to possibly throw a wrench in your gears" person and I'm afraid. But I am more afraid of being in as much pain as I was last fall if I don't say something and find myself in over my head so I will pray for courage, take lots of deep breaths and remember that the worst thing that can possibly happen is that I have to look for a new job.

 

[valerie]

wow, Leslie, I can really relate to that. You should not be afraid to express yourself, you are actually doing the mom a favor by being upfront with her now instead of after she's already gone back to work. stay strong!

 

[Leslie]

thank you for the encouragement Valerie, I did read your post before I spoke with the Mom (although I did not have time did not permit me to respond then) and it really helped to solidify my resolve. I don't want to be afraid to express myself, but the reality is that I am. My overall, lifelong attitude has been one of such self-defeatism (which I am actively working very hard to change) that the negative "what if" thoughts make auto-pilot look like a time delayed response sometimes! I did not let those thoughts take control. After I read your post I repeated your words "you are actually doing the mom a favor by being upfront with her now" out loud to myself as I drove to their house. I followed your words with a much needed reminder to myself that I was doing myself a favor with this choice as well. Much to my surprise the conversation went far differently than the what if's were trying to project. She was grateful, as you recognized she would be, that I brought it up upon realizing it. She also expressed a lot of doubts about her own abilities to manage all 3 of them, which really shocked me because she gives the impression of having it all together. Turns out her expectations of me with 3 of them are no where near what her expectations were prior to birth of the third child. And she even went to far as to remind me that 3 is "not what I signed up for", which spoke volumes to the part of me that was concerned about disappointing. She's not even 100% sure she's actually going to return to work so it's very possible that I might never have all 3 for 8+ hours a day.

And the best part was rewarding myself for facing a fear, staying true to myself and proving to myself that I actually do have courage!

 

[valerie]

Great job Leslie! I'm so proud you said what you were feeling. Yay!