Day 26 Every. Single. Day.

If you've followed my posts, you know the last time I talked to my parents (just one, my mom) is every day. She lives with me. We have an interesting relationship. While I will never make her leave, I live with the resentment that she lives here for free. That was on the contingent that she be my childcare, but then she said she couldn't afford not to work and went back to working part-time. She still does some childcare duties for me; she gets my son up in the morning so I can sleep a bit more and sometimes gets his lunch if I'm working out. For the most part, though, it's all me. As for conversations, they vary. She doesn't believe in TMS so we don't really talk about that, but I do get frustrated and rant about my pain and not trusting my doctors sometimes. Never goes well. I can never see myself coming out and saying all the things I want to say; my resentment, the fact that she owes me thousands of dollars from paying her bills after my stepdad passed before she moved in with me, making me feel like I never do things right. I've tried the last, but she stubbornly refuses to see how her comments lead to me feeling that way.

As for my dad, that's a whole other can of worms. I mostly stopped talking to him last year after I took my son to see him one day and because I don't push him to do "typical boy things", my uncle told me not to raise my son to be a sissy and my dad just sat there. Then he got sick recently and went into the hospital and then a nursing home, so I went to see him. He made a racist comment in front of my fiance, his first time meeting him, and I have to accept some things and people never change.

 

We are all so similar. Your life sounds very different than mine yet all of the important things INSIDE are the same.

You are on to all of the right things. Sarno said "Look close"...Not just these people you know are bugging you, but also the ones who you might think you are AOK with, like your partner, son,etc.....It doesn't need to make sense. I always knew I had beefs with my Siblings and Mom, but not with my kids and my Ex-wife and my GF's and Dogs. We got along 'great'! ....don't we?

That's why writing is so important. When I have a template for examining my relationships, seemingly innocuous questions can lead to huge leaps of insight.

I started writing again this weekend. I found out I am probably Unconsciously angry at My Dog. I am probably unconsciously angry at my Sons for getting along with my Asshole Brother who I can't stand. I am probably angry that My son hired me as his foreman. None of these make any sense....but this is the unconscious which also doesn't make any sense.

How will I know if I guessed right? I start experimenting with 'thoughts' and when the symptoms abate, Bingo.

But just to make sure, I put EVERYBODY in my life on the list regardless of how well we get along, I don't know if we ever 'get it'..I just know that when I am open to all of it, stuff starts to move...which is a euphemism for 'pain going away'

I rarely have to tell the 'offender' but I sure as Hell better come up with an inner dialogue to stay aware while I am around that person, so the TMS knows it isn't working anymore

 

I don’t think you are “ probably” angry about these things. I think you ARE angry about these things. (I would be!) And they do make sense.

But @Baseball65 —How can you be mad at your sweet dog? She’s not doing anything wrong. And your son is only trying to help you. And your kids just want to be nice to their uncle. Isn’t that what you raised them to be? Good kind people?

@Rusty Red —How can you be mad at your pitifully helpless Mom and your “poor sick Dad” in a nursing home? If you really let them have it, what kind of a monster would you be?

And moi— I’m the biggest monster yet. My grandkids kill me because I love them more than I can bear and I don’t get to see them much due to their busy schedules. (What if they think I don’t love them?) It’s too painful to be a grandma! My grown kids kill me more—for all sorts of reasons. It’s just all too hard. Sometimes I just want to run from it all.

I recently read this on the forum: In order to completely eliminate all symptoms, you must identify which unacceptable emotions are threatening your self-image.

Is our image of ourselves as good, patient kind people threatened by these scenarios? I’d say, yes.

Here’s the article it came from: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/back-pain-and-tension-myositis-syndrome-tms.11990/ (Back Pain and Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS))

I made this list of questions for myself that I’m going to journal on:
What is my self image? Where did I get it? Do I defend it? Do I like it? Who threatens it? What threatens it? Do I want to keep it? Do I want to change anything about it? How do I make these changes? What would be the price of that? What makes me angry about my current self image? What makes me angry about the current threats to my self image? When my current TMS symptoms came, Was I trying to go against my current self image? Do I have a conflict about my self image? Do I myself want to contradict my own self image?

 

Long ramble alert. Figured this was the best thread for it because I mentioned the uncle in the OP. Lots of potential triggering topics here so caveat emptor. Death, cancer, childhood sexual abuse (none mine).

This week aforementioned uncle died after just being diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago. Truth be told, he was a terrible person, not just because of the comment he made about my son. He treated my cousin horribly growing up and I have bad memories of it. I have a lot of bad dreams about him and my dad that I think may be from a repressed memory that won't surface. His death is a trigger.

On top of that, while digging through old boxes today, I found a letter from a friend in high school. I had feelings for this friend but he was from a religious family, he was a youth pastor, and I was a heathen. He wrote me the letter close to graduation to say not to forget him and he hoped we could get together sometime.

When I was in college I got a call from my high school band teacher. He started my senior year fresh out of college so we were close in age and became friends. He didn't want me to hear from anyone else. Youth pastor love interest had been arrested for inappropriate behavior with a minor, one in his youth group. He had pictures of her on his computer. She was 12. To this day I can't figure out how I had feelings for him and he was that kind of person. He went to prison. Out now and a registered offender.

So lots of triggers this week, right? Explains my serious increase in pain? I still can't believe it. I still think it's all the syrinx because the symptoms make sense. Until the day the doctor might finally be willing to take this stupid thing out, I will always doubt TMS and be scared of this cyst.

I will still try the work but if I can't trust even with clear triggers, I just don't know the outcome.

 

Believe enough to do the work anyway. Get off the fence, or you’re going to be incredibly miserable and without hope. No one can convince you. You have to find this validation, strength within yourself. Only you can get that faith. Usually it gets stronger as you do the work and make progress. Dr. Sarno said the number one thing you need above all is to BELIEVE it’s TMS. No progress without that.

 

I'll still do the work because it helps me get to know myself better. But I very much think there is something causing this besides my mind.

 

Rusty red, this is from the MindBody Prescription by John Sarno:

The Fear Factor

Fear is another important equivalent of pain that may be more effective than the pain itself to achieve the mind’s goal of distracting attention from repressed rage. The fear of pain, physical activity, injury or spinal abnormality is enough to perpetuate TMS, even in the absence of pain. The mind is interested only in keeping our attention on the body; the fear of any of these phenomena will accomplish that as well as the reality of pain itself. This is why our therapeutic program requires not only the cessation of pain but the elimination of fear.

 

Hi Rusty Red,
That’s the issue isn’t it? I think perhaps it’s time to consider how you’re made if you can accept this: The Good Book says…I am fearfully and wonderfully made, eg. remarkably and wondrously. This excerpt is a powerful statement about the writer ‘s faith. I think about this passage when doing my TMS work. In other words, we have outstanding, built-in ability to correct many issues regarding our health. So, for me, this whole journey is not just about understanding my puts and takes, but also harnessing my inner power.

That said, there are some issues that do require medical intervention and believe me, I’ve done that! But I’ve also discovered that more of my issues are driven by stress, worry, anxiety and fear, than are actual threats.

If it will assuage your fears to get a second opinion re your cyst, then do it. There’s no shame or blame in that. Maybe then, you can feel a bit eased from your terror and do this work from a different perspective.

I am, as ever, empathetic but I also actually believe you can be victorious. It’s a long-haul proposition.

 

I have my follow up MRI at the end of April so that will show if the cyst has worsened. They usually wait 3 months between scans to evaluate, standard care for a syrinx. I'll keep at it at least until then. I really want to do my 10K in June so I'm still at exercise for now, but the symptom spread rather than relocation worries me.

 

Good! This next MRI should help!

I am tuning in again to try to understand the term spreading as it relates to you and explain my version of it to see if there’s a match!

My back pain has gone on for several decades. The spread of it has been labeled as referred pain by some in the medical field, and as I studied the phenomenon, could see the science. After studying TMS over the years, I can also see that same science in oxygen deprivation in muscles, ligaments, etc. plus the pain connection to our mental pathways. Even though my precise area of pain remained, at times it also wrapped around my lower torso or even spread (meaning included) to my buttocks and upper legs. Can you relate to this?

One other thing. And this is important if you don’t already know about it through TMS knowledge. My back site pain messes with the exact area of an old and memorable injury. Most currently, I have been laser-focussed on still another issue: My Stage IV hiatal hernia. So my point is that TMS is a clever old bitch, striking just where she knows you have worries.

Keep doing EVERYTHING you can do to convince yourself you’re just going through a rough patch but you are essentially safe. This forum and the SEP can help you come out the other side.

 

Yes, that matches. It started in my right shoulder, down into the blade and right back ribs, and now wraps around to the abdomen and sometimes even into my groin. I feel it from the second I open my eyes until I fall asleep, even with trying to redirect my focus.

I fear I'll never feel safe so long as this syrinx is present but they won't remove it unless it starts causing loss of function. So we just monitor.

 

Hi Rusty,
I don’t know why I keep feeling so compelled to try to convince you that you’re safe. I just have a funny feeling that you can’t be convinced or that you don’t really want to be convinced —yet.

But I’ll throw this out there. Someone on the forum put this idea in my head and it really worked for me. She said that she would refute her TMS brain’s suggestions of fear with just plain logic. I started using that and it actually works. Let’s take your case for example. You have doctors in this medical world who absolutely love to do surgery— saying that they don’t think you need surgery. How safe must your situation be to have them not jumping at the chance to do surgery? Just think about that.

If you would read the MindBody Prescription by Dr. Sarno with the fine-toothed comb, in the first half of that book, he elaborately goes through the different vertebrae in the neck and back and what causes what. He talks about the majority of people walking around on the planet with big things wrong with their discs and their vertebrae with zero pain at all. And zero danger at all.

I hate to see you in so much anguish and fear! I hope you find your way and you feel better no matter what.

 

Unfortunately the syrinx isn't as well-explored as the disc issues. But I hear you. I'm working on it.

 

I’m pulling for you!

 

Excellent point!

 

I focused on that a lot today while I was doing my run, and funny enough it's something I have even said before, that I was shocked to meet a neurosurgeon who didn't jump at the chance to cut.

 

I would like the syrinx gone. Not ashamed to admit that. They have high rates of poor outcomes if the cause isn't determined and they're allowed to continue to grow. I just have to hope they aren't as bad as research would suggest.

 

Chiming in again Rusty Red. I did a little research because I care about your fearfulness. I think I understand better now.

Let me begin by saying that as recently as yesterday, I met with my doctor to question a health issue that seems to require surgery to ever correct it. (It is my own personal boogeyman.) The upshot is this: I can live with this problem if I do X, Y and Z. Surgery may come down the line, but it is not needed now.

I pray you will find yourself concluding the same after your MRI at the end of April.

Since the likelihood of removing your syrinx is low at this point, it comes down to doing the work here along with other education, to tamp down fear and anxiety as you go.

In my case, with SEP and other resources, I am addressing a couple of other pain issues and improving my anxiety levels which with gobs of work, are finally lowering.

From other of your posts, you may be doing this and more, but I suggest you work toward engaging your worried mind in developing thought patterns that relieve and rest it. And continue to focus, as you have in this program, on learning more about you. Try your best to accept and let be, that there is nothing you can do about the existence of your syrinx. Above all, live your life, remembering that like my doc, your doc is not alarmed.

Stay with us here and please keep us informed!