Ever feel like you just don't wanna be in your own skin?

[Moose]

...because I am totally having one of those days. I just feel really fed up of everything. Fed up of my flat. Fed up of my normal hobbies. Fed up of cooking. Fed up of - well, being me. And I don't know what to do to feel better - I try to just do something to keep me active, but sometimes it doesn't help. I've realised I get like this sometimes when either I suddenly have some downtime and nothing to do, or I have a lot of annoying things to do. Today is the former (with the exception of some tidying/organising to do - clutter makes me anxious, but our flat is small and we are busy so there is often clutter).

It's probably no coincidence that I am TMS-ing like crazy today - some arm pain has returned that I haven't had since starting the TMS programme, my foot hurts, my jaw is locked up and all week I've been inexplicably and extremely snuffly (even indoors with the windows shut, in various different locations so it's unlikely to be a true allergy!). I've been trying to work out while I feel this way, and I'm not sure. I had what you might call a 'breakthrough' journalling session earlier this week, which really helped me realise the source of some anxiety and negative feelings. I don't know if this could be related.

Perhaps there is rising anxiety because I am about to leave my job and start my new university course, with resultant financial uncertainty. I know that this is what I really want to do, but any change - even positive change - is hard. I don't know. I'm finding it hard to be kind to myself today and give myself what I want, because I don't know what that is.

 

[Ellen]

Moose,
I've had days when I could have written the exact same post as yours and I know I will likely feel that way again. I discovered during journaling that I had a lot of anger about how much work life is. I knew this wasn't entirely logical since most of the people I know have a lot more to do than I do at this stage of my life, and they seemed to just go along happily taking care of things. In exploring it more, I found it had two sources. One is from my perfectionist personality trait that creates these endless "to-do" lists so that my home, self, etc will be perfect. (I have the same issues about clutter.) The other source goes much deeper and seems to be that inner child that just never was nurtured much, so that part of me still craves to be taken care of, and not have to do everything for myself. I've found that since realizing this, the "fed up of everything" feelings have dissipated. I've eased up on myself and made having some enjoyment in life and taking care of myself more of a priority. My house is more cluttered and less perfect, but it feels more OK. And I don't feel as much pressure to be productive all the time.

I also frequently have the "snuffly" symptoms you describe. I know they aren't true allergies because I've been tested for everything and didn't react to any of the common allergens. I have accepted that they are a form of TMS--one I've had less success getting rid of than pain.

I've come to understand, too, that anxiety is a form of TMS. It serves the same function by distracting us with fear instead of pain. I have found that my fear of financial insecurity is, again, related to that un-nurtured inner child who feels she should be taken care, and is angry that she isn't.

So I would look for the repressed emotions underlying things. Perhaps you already discovered these in your "breakthrough" journaling session. Maybe it will just take awhile for you to feel the positive effects of that breakthrough.

Best wishes....

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

(Moose) Perhaps there is rising anxiety because I am about to leave my job and start my new university course, with resultant financial uncertainty. I know that this is what I really want to do, but any change - even positive change - is hard. I don't know. I'm finding it hard to be kind to myself today and give myself what I want, because I don't know what that is.

(Walt) These reasons you give sure must be giving you pain and putting you in the doldrums.
What you want to give yourself is maybe instant positive change, and your unconscious wants you to put the new changes in your life in positive perspective. Think that leaving your old job is a good thing and that you'll love the new university course.

Try deep breathing and even laughing. I find both work wonders for me.

 

[yb44]

I know that this is what I really want to do, but any change - even positive change - is hard.

I know the feeling - and resulting pain. I left a job at the end of May intending to have a few weeks off before starting another position. I had to delay starting due to a complete physical breakdown, aka TMS, that rendered me unable to get out of bed at one point. I had been terribly unhappy in my last job and it was such a relief to get out of there. The new job is a real departure for me as I will be self-employed but it will offer me so much more scope. Very positive. Very exciting. However as you say, even positive change is hard. Perhaps we unconsciously don't like change of any kind and our inner child can't differentiate between good and bad change. It simply throws a hissy fit.

You say you find it hard to be kind to yourself and give yourself what you want because you don't know what that is. I remember one of my girls as a baby when she wasn't well. I offered her a toy as a diversion. She threw it down on the floor. She pointed to it and wanted it back. I gave it back and she threw it down again. She didn't know what she wanted and the more I tried to guess, i.e. giving her alternative toys, the more frustrated and angry she became. Just let yourself be. Notice the uncomfortable feelings without judging them. Just accept this is just a short phase. I have felt this way before, so has Ellen and most likely many amongst us. The feeling will pass.

Moose,
My house is more cluttered and less perfect, but it feels more OK. And I don't feel as much pressure to be productive all the time.

Boy, I hear you on this one. I too like an organised, uncluttered home where everything has its place. The week I finished work I wrote myself a number of to do lists, one for the coming week, one for the near future and another list of tasks that I had to organise other people to do. Well, 8 weeks or so later I have just about completed the tasks on the first list! Lately I have gone back to writing lists (poor memory so writing stuff down helps) but, for instance, the other day I put 4 items on the list. I only accomplished 2 of the tasks. One of the still uncompleted tasks was to organise the cupboard that I use for tea, coffee and related items. Not exactly earth shatteringly important but just goes to show me the extent of my perfectionism. However I cut myself some slack. I knew if I had let that inner bully out of its cage, there would have been carnage.

 

[tarala]

Once I actually made a list of my different to do lists. That's when I really knew I needed help.

 

[Ellen]

Once I actually made a list of my different to do lists. That's when I really knew I needed help.

Me too! Now I have an app on my smart phone that allows me to keep multiple lists--probably not a good thing.

 

[tarala]

I've been reviewing Alan Gordon's bits on self pressure. There is still a voice in my head saying, "Get it all done! Now! Perfectly!" I'm not sure exactly what might happen if I don't. I think this why I always feel better on holiday, because then doing nothing is what I am supposed to be doing. I can get it all done, even without a list

 

[plum]

Oy Vey. As Ellen says, I could have penned this post on any number of days. I am fond of saying I'd love a soul bath, something to cleanse and nourish that which resides under the skin.

I woke this morning and this post came to mind because I had a night of florid dreams and as I lay in the worlds between here and there, I mused on the possibilities of other selves. Yesterday I listened again to Candace Pert ' To Feel G(o)od' and in the interview on part two, she talks about sub-personalities. This, as opposed to multiple selves, makes a lot of sense to me. It is simply the idea that we lovely and complex beings are made up of very different parts and each part has a unique physiology, it's own tastes and temptations, it's own needs and life. Quite fascinating and beyond that, potentially healing on the quantum level. There is a me who is completely healed and sometimes I occupy that body. Hmm, this I like. This is a skin I could live in.

(dreams really were wonderful.

i was geisha called white flower who traded in words and was paid in joy and happiness. they actually wrote that on a cheque instead of monetary figures.

i was a she-wolf running free and wild with her pack.

i was a clog dancer wearing big, shiny black obsidian clogs but facing a dilemma. how to clog dance in shoes that would break but to take them off would mean i was no longer a clog dancer...)

 

[Ellen]

I woke this morning and this post came to mind because I had a night of florid dreams and as I lay in the worlds between here and there, I mused on the possibilities of other selves.

Plum, it appears to me that creative writers have creative dreams. Mine are rather pedestrian. Feeling envious this morning...

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

yb44 -- Hi. I like cleaning the house or garage and keeping things organized.
Some friends don't. One keeps her kitchen table so cluttered with old bills, newspapers,
junk mail, it's a mountain of stuff she should throw out, but she just keeps adding to it.

My mother always said, "A place for everything and everything in its place." I grew up doing that
and it makes life easier.

I used to lose my car and house keys all the time, until I started putting them in a bowl on the
kitchen table. If I forget to do that, I lose them and go bonkers trying to find them.

Ellen, Hi. I'm a creative writer and get lots of creative dreams. Some of them I've actually
written into stories. But I rarely can remember yesterday's dreams, thank heaven.

 

[plum]

Ellen, instinctively I sense you're an artistic soul. It's one reason I enjoy reading your posts so much. As for dreaming, last nights were an unusually baroque gift. Before sleep, I talk to the Dream-maker. This began as a way to possibly hasten healing through unconscious/symbolic insight, which still may happen once I figure it all out. How all this works is very mysterious but accessible to us all. I'd be fascinated to hear if and how dreams play a role in other people's healing.

 

[yb44]

I recently started Skype therapy and during most sessions I will talk about a dream or two that I have had. Just telling someone about them helps me to understand what they may mean and how they relate to my current condition, my past and present relationships. They also give me indications of where I want to go in life (back to work, ASAP).

Walt, whatever makes your life easier. I can go ballistic trying to find something. If I just calmly look for it, the object would eventually appear. Bull in a china shop, me.

Moose, are you feeling a little bit better in your skin? I recommend a cup of tea when all else fails.

 

[Moose]

Thanks yb44, I am feeling a bit better. I do drink a lot of tea, I am British after all. I think the hardest part of this TMS thing is being genuinely kind to myself. Gah!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

plum, I had a good dream experience while I was healing TMS back pain.

I journaled and learned a lot of it had to do with feeling guilty for not being able
to be my mother's caretaker for more than two years. She came to me in a dream
and kissed me and it was like she forgave me and wanted me to forgive myself.

I accepted her forgiveness and told my unconscious I was forgiving myself and
the pain began to go away.

 

[plum]

plum, I had a good dream experience while I was healing TMS back pain.

I journaled and learned a lot of it had to do with feeling guilty for not being able
to be my mother's caretaker for more than two years. She came to me in a dream
and kissed me and it was like she forgave me and wanted me to forgive myself.

I accepted her forgiveness and told my unconscious I was forgiving myself and
the pain began to go away.

Walt, this is heartwarming. A forgiveness that transcends our human boundaries is too precious to tease into words and yet it is good to recognise that we are visited in dreams and are touched by our people in a way that lingers. Everything about that person is revivified for a while beyond the dreamtime. I draw great comfort from this.

 

[yb44]

Walt, this is so touching. I only wish my living mother could say this to me now. My father used to tell me that whenever he couldn't think of a word, the name of a person or was in some quandry, he would ask his mother (by then deceased) what the answer was. Within a short while he would have his answer.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

If anyone is waiting for their mother to say they forgive them,
I once (at Mass) was given an inspiration about forgiveness.

I called my mother and said, "Would you forgive me for any grievances
you may have against me, whether real or imagined, and I will forgive you for any
grievances I have against you, real or imagined?"

She agreed and so did I. She may not have
had a clue as to what I meant, but at least I felt a lot better.

I then called my sister and a few others and shared the same thing.

Maybe it's worth trying.