homorobothead
Well known member
Just a warning, I talk about some sexual violence in this post.
I've always had kind of had a hard time understanding and recognizing my emotions, because I've always seen my emotions as secondary to everyone else's convenience, if that makes sense.
For example, I feel like can't be irritated at my husband for not putting back the mirror after he works out (or request that he puts it back), because "he's stressed at work and working out makes him less stressed, so I can just it back and not say anything. It's not a big deal. I don't want to make him angry at me for something so small, so I'll just put it back and not say anything." Though when I ask he's always like "Sure babe." and just does it no problem.
Likewise, when I was a kid, I couldn't say anything about how I was feeling because I would be given "object lessons" where I was physically punished for saying anything negative. For example, I was forced to go with my cousins and my aunt to see Legally Blond and didn't really care for it (I must have been 12 or 13) and when asked if I liked the movie, I said that it wasn't really my thing (I was more of a Star Trek, Unforgiven, Donnie Darko, WWE girl) and so my aunt told my father who whipped me until I had bruises down my back and legs.
I've talked about my brother with disabilities on here before, and I'm sure my overwhelmed parents were taking out a lot of their own emotions on me, because you can't really punish someone in a wheelchair.
So, now my body gets really tense any time I feel like I have to give an opinion, especially if I didn't really care for whatever it was. My pain is definitely linked with fear, and I am afraid of disappointing people, afraid of being a burden, afraid of failing (sometimes when a pot fails - I'm a potter and these things happen - I feel my neck seize up).
I was also sexually assaulted pretty violently in my twenties by a stranger at a party (he held me down by my neck), so sometimes if I catch a whiff of a certain cologne or see a tall white guy with curly dark hair, I feel my neck and shoulders tighten like a cork in a bottle. I seems like no coincidence that my pain resides in my neck.
I've been through all kinds of counselling for the violence aspects and it did help quite a bit. I'm functional now, just working on recognizing emotions when they come up, because I think my pain in my neck and shoulders comes from FIGHTING normal emotions all the time instead of just letting them come and go. I'm trying to just let my body and brain know that I'm not in danger anymore, and I can feel emotions and express them and nothing will happen.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading. This forum and the support given so freely really help me to remember that there are good and gentle people in this world.
I've always had kind of had a hard time understanding and recognizing my emotions, because I've always seen my emotions as secondary to everyone else's convenience, if that makes sense.
For example, I feel like can't be irritated at my husband for not putting back the mirror after he works out (or request that he puts it back), because "he's stressed at work and working out makes him less stressed, so I can just it back and not say anything. It's not a big deal. I don't want to make him angry at me for something so small, so I'll just put it back and not say anything." Though when I ask he's always like "Sure babe." and just does it no problem.
Likewise, when I was a kid, I couldn't say anything about how I was feeling because I would be given "object lessons" where I was physically punished for saying anything negative. For example, I was forced to go with my cousins and my aunt to see Legally Blond and didn't really care for it (I must have been 12 or 13) and when asked if I liked the movie, I said that it wasn't really my thing (I was more of a Star Trek, Unforgiven, Donnie Darko, WWE girl) and so my aunt told my father who whipped me until I had bruises down my back and legs.
I've talked about my brother with disabilities on here before, and I'm sure my overwhelmed parents were taking out a lot of their own emotions on me, because you can't really punish someone in a wheelchair.
So, now my body gets really tense any time I feel like I have to give an opinion, especially if I didn't really care for whatever it was. My pain is definitely linked with fear, and I am afraid of disappointing people, afraid of being a burden, afraid of failing (sometimes when a pot fails - I'm a potter and these things happen - I feel my neck seize up).
I was also sexually assaulted pretty violently in my twenties by a stranger at a party (he held me down by my neck), so sometimes if I catch a whiff of a certain cologne or see a tall white guy with curly dark hair, I feel my neck and shoulders tighten like a cork in a bottle. I seems like no coincidence that my pain resides in my neck.
I've been through all kinds of counselling for the violence aspects and it did help quite a bit. I'm functional now, just working on recognizing emotions when they come up, because I think my pain in my neck and shoulders comes from FIGHTING normal emotions all the time instead of just letting them come and go. I'm trying to just let my body and brain know that I'm not in danger anymore, and I can feel emotions and express them and nothing will happen.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading. This forum and the support given so freely really help me to remember that there are good and gentle people in this world.
) and he said, "I really don't care," and then kissed the dog on the lips. I pressed him and asked "Does it bother you at all?" His reply "Nope." followed by more dog kissing, then he got up and hugged me and went to make himself a snack. 