Day 4 Disheartening

[NewBeginning]

Today as I explore the disheartening aspects I've been told, the ones that come to mind most seem to be from reading different things online and people's experiences with not finding any relief. It seems reading those/ all the information seeking caused one of the initial spirals that kept leading further to where I am now.
And, then of course, sadly it feels disheartening seeing so many people right now just going about life, living and laughing with others without a second thought. Since summer is here, the gelato place near here often has a line outside the door and everyone looks like they are just loving life and carefree. I truly am happy to know that world exists for others, it just.... seems so far away right now.
So, then next comes the guilt ....to add to the disheartening aspects... about complaining at all when there is much more pain and challenges in the world and I am truly thankful for so much. Trying to hold all of this at the same time.

Last night, I went over some of the past experiences that were pretty traumatic and noticed I just won't allow myself to cry anymore (before all of this and all my life, crying was always my first go to), mostly because it could have an effect on other symptoms. Bah. All of this... makes me feel so trapped.

That's it for today - not exactly the most optimistic frame of mind, but holding hope and trying to be kind to myself while feeling whatever comes up.

 

[Diana-M]

@NewBeginning
I just want you not to feel alone. That aching feeling of watching other people do things that you can’t do anymore— like walking!— is extremely hard. Sometimes you can get a grip and sometimes you can’t. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Dr. Hanscom— he’s a back surgeon who healed from 15 years of really bad TMS— he calls the place you described today, The Abyss. And boy, is it! Even though you feel it heavy on you like today— there will be other days where you’re a little bit higher. A little bit brighter. Cling to the good days.

The best way I can describe this whole process is it’s like putting together a 1000 word puzzle. When you start, you’re sorting out all the pieces; you’re trying to find the edges— you’re looking at all the pieces and thinking “there’s just no way it’s possible this will ever go together. I’ll never figure this out.” (I don’t know if you’ve ever done a big puzzle like that. I have. ) But, you do figure it out. Over time, it all starts to come together. But if you stopped after you poured all the pieces out on the table, it would never come together.

Healing from TMS takes so many facets of effort. And in the meantime, you have to be the biggest cheerleader you’ve ever been to yourself. You have to find a way every day to keep from sinking into the Abyss.

The symptoms I have now, I started to get in 2020– and then they escalated and added more in 2023. I’ve had a lot of improvement since then— but anybody who would see me would think I’m incredibly disabled still. And I am! But I’m the most mentally and psychologically healthy I’ve been in my entire life. I’m changing things about myself I never thought I could or would. It’s an extremely painful miserable process at times. But I think I’ve just come around the bend to being able to stay happy just how I am right now. However long my body wants to stay like this, I think I can survive it and maybe even enjoy myself and have a good time.

I’ve been on the forum for 14 months— and here’s where it’s gotten me: I have 100% hope that I will one day get better. I believe everyone with TMS can. Because if you think about it, even if you were 50% better, you would be thrilled, right? And it wouldn’t be hard to go on and get the rest of the way better. So the goal isn’t even hopeless or as hard as you think!

Just put one foot in front of the other,… chug along every day applying what you learn… and you’ll get there. Books, videos, podcasts, and such have been a big help— but the absolute best help I’ve gotten is from reading posts on this forum. From getting advice on this forum— from those who have gone before me and who have gotten out of the Abyss— and gotten their bodies and their lives back.

TMS is like a car in neutral with the foot on the gas pedal. Basically, your anxiety is through the roof. and you have to learn a way to calm yourself, a way to put out all the fires that keep burning with adrenaline. Some are from past experiences causing rage inside. Some of it is personality traits that you weren’t even aware of are causing your problems. Some of it is life circumstances that you can fix a little bit of— or learn to live with better. It’s a really big renovation project.

But, the biggest thing to know that can make it so much easier— is don’t be afraid! Fear makes everything worse— all symptoms worse, and there truly is nothing to be afraid of. It’s so hard to believe that our own bodies can do this to us! These outrageous extreme symptoms. But they can! We don’t have to be afraid. Let’s just calmly make our way to the exit doors and get out of this burning building.

I believe in you and I know you’re going to make it. Just hang tight! Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

[NewBeginning]

You're wonderful, @Diana-M!
Thanks so much for this encouragement and your thoughts. So incredibly helpful.

The best way I can describe this whole process is it’s like putting together a 1000 word puzzle.

It DOES feel like this. What a great analogy. I've even said so many times that "everything seems so messed up now, that I just don't see how it comes together.... how can all these pieces fit." I guess I don't need to know "how" they fit, just have the inner knowing that by continuing to work with them, they DO. All the "pieces were provided" as it were, just start putting them together one by one.
And, this seems to really get at the crux of things for me!!

Fear makes everything worse— all symptoms worse, and there truly is nothing to be afraid of.

FEAR is such a BULLY. It keeps "punching" me even when I feel the weakest. Trying to find that inner strength to stand up to it... and then do that over and over again!

 

[Diana-M]

Trying to find that inner strength to stand up to it... and then do that over and over again!

You’re doing great!