Difficulty Letting Go

[Jo at Upriver]

I am having difficulty letting go of the hurt I have felt from a person within the family. I am one of those people who wants everyone go get along and have peace - especially within the family. I grew up being told that was the most important thing. Now I'm facing a situation where one member is very angry with a couple of family members and I am part of the collateral damage, although I've not entered in. Her reaction and comments have been completely out of line and yet I feel I need to try to "smooth things over". I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Any attempt I make to reconcile with her would be seen as disloyal and there really is little justification regarding her behavior. In addition, she is the kind of person who continually has a feud going with someone in her life. My wanting everyone to like me personality trait is really suffering from this one and this whole thing is really contributing to my TMS symptoms. Any suggestions for stopping the ruminating, letting go, etc.?? Thank you!​

 

[Lori]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this. I would be journaling about my feelings. Why do I feel hurt. Why do I feel the need to be peacekeeper ? Perhaps do some probing within yourself about that. e.g. Where did this feeling or need come from?

It is sometimes hard to accept people as they are. Believe me, I know that. The fact that this person you mention has to be having a feud in their life is THEIR problem. They may have learned to need conflict as it's normal for them. Quite sad really!

Is it possible you could say to the family members: this is YOUR issue to work out among yourselves--not mine!? I love all of you and it is sad for me to see this .. . something like that. Set some healthy boundaries for yourself? Reminds me of a chapter in Cheryl Richardson's book called "Let me Disappoint you" but really take care of myself!

I don't doubt that this confict is contributing to your symptoms. I remember Dr. Sarno saying that ANY CONFLICT can cause TMS symptoms.

Best wishes!

 

[Gigalos]

It immediately makes me think of Marks story... http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/family-drama.1923/

take care

 

[Jo at Upriver]

Thank you to those of you who've replied. I will think about all of this. The upheaval at this time concerns my stepdaughter and my husband, so I feel I need to tread carefully. I'm not sure why I am allowing this to hurt as it does as I've tried for 40 years to be nice to her and my husband really hasn't been the bad guy here. She has not spoken to us, cut us off from Facebook, etc. The biggest problem is there are grandchildren involved and that is what is upsetting me. She knows that is her trump card. I guess that after all the effort I've put into this, I'm hurt that I've been kicked out and haven't been treated fairly...(logically I know life isn't necessarily fair, but....)

 

[Leslie]

Thank you to those of you who've replied. I will think about all of this. The upheaval at this time concerns my stepdaughter and my husband, so I feel I need to tread carefully. I'm not sure why I am allowing this to hurt as it does as I've tried for 40 years to be nice to her and my husband really hasn't been the bad guy here. She has not spoken to us, cut us off from Facebook, etc. The biggest problem is there are grandchildren involved and that is what is upsetting me. She knows that is her trump card. I guess that after all the effort I've put into this, I'm hurt that I've been kicked out and haven't been treated fairly...(logically I know life isn't necessarily fair, but....)

Jo
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. A very similar situation occurred in my own family over the past couple years between my parents and my sister (also with grandchildren involved). My sister not only cut off my parents but she cut off her sisters as well. I know it was extraordinarily hard on my mother, which made it that much harder on me since mom was coming to me with all the problems between them. Their entire situation was very similar to what you describe, and good for you for recognizing that she knows the children are the trump card - my mother was speechless when I pointed that out to her. It's certainly understandable why you'd be hurt. It might be encouraging for you to know that things between my parents and sister have been improving over the past several months - to the extent that my parents were permitted to go to visit with them all for a weekend recently. The grandchildren actually turned out to be an 'ace' in my parent's hand as well! All the family drama can't erase the memories the grandchildren have of the time they've spent with their grandparents. Turns out all those memories had my sister's children asking about their missing grandparents, why they hadn't heard from them, when the children could visit my parents, why my parents hadn't come to visit them. I think seeing the pain she was causing her own children might have been what started to put my parents and sister back on the right road. Hopefully this will happen for you as well.