Day 13 Dear grandmother, I feel the following...

I think my grandmother is suffering from classic TMS symptoms. She was diagnosed today with Burning Mouth Syndrome. She often says that she can’t hear well when she’s stressed. Every day, she complains of new physical symptoms. She says she can’t sleep without medication. She believes she can’t digest normal foods. All of these signs point to TMS.

But she’s quite rigid in her thinking and not open to new ideas. She’s also at an age where it's hard to accept that something new. When I gently suggested it might be emotionally related, she seemed even more hurt. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I could help her—but how can you help someone who doesn’t want help?

She has a classic TMS personality. She worries the roof might leak when it rains, but when it doesn’t rain, she complains about dust. She fears the crops will die in the heat, or won’t ripen in the cold. She sees everything through a lens of worry. On hard days, she still insists on doing all the work by herself, believing no one else will. She wonders aloud every day why she’s “being punished” in old age, despite having been a “good person” all her life. She tries not to appear ill in public, dressing in bright clothes to look cheerful, and she has always lived for others. She married early and cooked for over ten family members every single day. That kind of life was incredibly unfair—and she never once complained. It breaks my heart.

When she speaks bitterly about her life, it feels unbearable. She lived a life of sacrifice and oppression without hurting anyone, and yet now she suffers in old age. I’ve lived with her alone in the same house for 28 years, and every day my heart feels like it’s breaking. I want to run away from her—but at the same time, I want to free her. But how? Who could ever set her free? Will reading her a few pages from a book take away the pain of a lifetime?

Tomorrow, I’m taking her to another hospital for a second opinion on her Burning Mouth Syndrome, even though a specialist has already told us it’s untreatable. She believes it might be oral cancer or something fatal. Ever since she was told there’s no specific treatment, her pain has worsened, and now she can barely speak. All of this seems to align perfectly with TMS… but I don’t know anymore. I just feel overwhelmed. I want to escape.

Lately, she says she wants to die. That she wants peace. I don’t know if it’s okay that I sometimes find myself wanting the same. I’m confused—every single day.

 

Hugs to you @Wolfgang

I totally understand why you would want to escape seeing someone suffer like this, especially if you are in the midst of your own struggles. I know you desire to set her free, but it's not your job and accepting this is part of what will set you free

You can have compassion for her suffering, and love her through the trials and also hate and even be deeply angry at how her suffering makes you feel like you must give her your all, be there for her and take away her pain and mostly her burden. However those burdens and the weight she bears is what she must deliver herself from.
The best you can do is leave materials out for her to discover so that if she chooses, she can find her way through this.
Any book by Claire Weekes is also a helpful read. She may also do well with the latest book by Nicole Sachs because it's gentle and I think it would speak to her (from how you describe your grandmother).
Nichole has a very old podcast, one of her first, which talks about dealing with an elderly person who is struggling with negativity. It was difficult for Nichole to be near this person as it triggered her (wanting to escape) but it also triggered her to utilize the personality traits that covered up her emotions ... until she realized she could absolutely love and be angry at a person at the same time.

It's important to recognize that compassion differs from people pleasing.