Day 9 Day 9

[Kim Mc]

I realized that the Day 9 question to ponder about being overly critical of yourself is tied in with an example of a symptom imperative so I thought I'd share again today. So my typical symptoms are arthritis related but without getting into too much history I get reoccurring infections in my right ear and mastoid. When I was pregnant with my son 17 years ago, I had a mastoidectomy, a procedure where they made an incision in my skull behind the ear to drain out infected fluid. These reoccurring infections were the reason I couldn't take the arthritis drugs. My son had to have open heart surgery at birth due to a heart defect caused by some of the drugs I took during pregnancy. Needless to say there has been lots to work with from all of this in therapy over the years especially guilt and my relationship with my son. Anyway, yesterday I realized that I had a bunch of gunk in my right ear and pain developed throughout the day. As my focus increased on my ear I realized that my arthritic symptoms were gone--my body felt great. As I always do in this situation, I think, "if only the ____ pain (ear yesterday) was gone, everything would feel perfect." And as always, I woke up this morning without ear pain but with the feeling that my knees are full of fluid as I felt before the ear pain. I hadn't even thought about an emotional connection but when I read the question about being overly self critical and I thought about connecting symptoms to emotions outside of my "Louise Hay box", I realized that I most definitely have been critical of my self in very recent situations with my son. I think that behavior is fueled by that old guilt and it makes so much sense that it would bring on the whole ear thing because he is so intertwined with those specific memories and emotions. I've worked so much with all of this in therapy and have felt like I had released all of that but I have a feeling once again that my body thinks differently. I have thought that the remedy for a situation like this is to be very present in my interactions and to pause and use my heart when I think, speak, listen and act. There must be more to it though--my body's still telling me so.

 

[Ellen]

Hi Kim Mc,

I can relate very much with your journey. I'm glad you're hanging in there and continuing to work the SEP. It's a great way to discover who you are and how you came to have TMS. Hope you are also finding the time and space to just enjoy life. This is a crucial part of the healing journey as well, which I tend to forget. Fortunately, the good folks on this forum remind me of that from time to time.

Best wishes....

 

[yb44]

My son had to have open heart surgery at birth due to a heart defect caused by some of the drugs I took during pregnancy. Needless to say there has been lots to work with from all of this in therapy over the years especially guilt and my relationship with my son….I realized that I most definitely have been critical of my self in very recent situations with my son.

This definitely hit a nerve with me. I have had a very difficult relationship with my older daughter and have felt so much guilt over they years I could plaster my walls with it. I took some bad advice from my sister who I thought I could trust as she was a nurse. I weaned my daughter straight onto cow's milk at an age not recommended by anyone but my sister and I believe as a result my daughter suffered from all kinds of stomach related issues as a child. I have no proof of this but when I told doctors about the weaning process they weren't exactly commending me. My daughter did not undergo any surgery but she did end up in the emergency room a couple of times as a young child. We also clashed big time personality-wise. Then a second child came along and made the whole relationship even worse. The two kids absolutely detest each other and again I feel it's somehow my fault. My older daughter no longer has stomach problems but she does have other health issues. Part of me thinks these are TMS related yet another part thinks I am to blame.

I thought it interesting that the fluid sensation in your ear morphed into a fluid sensation in your knee. Now that's great proof there is something non-physical going on.

 

[Kim Mc]

yb44-that's so interesting that you point out the two areas w/ fluid, ear and knees-I never noticed the correlation! Guilt is so powerful, isn't it? I think it literally holds our very being in the past and our kids, who really need our complete presence, can sense that. Like we're parenting from a distance--not an apathetic kind of distance, but like a needy distance with a black cloud hanging over it. Ellen, when you said that you hoped that I am able to enjoy life, it made me think about all of this from a new perspective. In recent years it is that particular symptom--the knee discomfort, that I have let be the determining factor each day of my happiness--can I get around easily and without pain? I remembered some symptoms that I had had in the past that haven't appeared again and after starting this program I believe that those symptoms haven't reappeared because I wouldn't care much if they did. Yeah, it would be annoying and I would know they would pass. With my knees there's still this big story that accompanies the pain--will I be able to make dinner for the kids tonight? Can I do the laundry? Will I be able to walk around the whole school to each classroom for conference, etc, etc. I understand now that my unconscious is going to keep creating that particular symptom until I don' t care about it anymore. Until I just allow it to be as it is without the story that surrounds it. The ancient behavior that is tied into it is so connected to enjoying life as you mentioned. It feels great to recognize all of this. I'm hoping that someone is going to post a response that helps me continue the process!