I just finished Day 9 and my symptoms are worse than ever after a very emotional journal entry. I have no problem recognizing that my unconscious mind is causing the pain, but it seems like the more I research and dig, the harder my brain fights it by giving me pain. My fear of pain is increasing. I am also having a harder time dealing with stress. How critical is journaling to ultimate success? Should I take a break or just keep trucking?
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Day 9 - symptoms keep getting worse after journaling - need feedback
- Thread starter bman
- Start date
Lainey
Well known member
I don't know how long you have been journaling. I found it helpful because I find writing easy and my thoughts flow easily with pen to paper. I had some very emotional entries and as I went deeper into my psyche in trying to source some of the beginnings of my pain, I also became afraid, tearful, very, very, angry and STILL had pain. The journaling went on for about two months when after a very distressing entry, with seemingly no end in site, I awoke the following morning with my sciatica pain gone! I could not even walk up stairs, get up out of bed, in and out of cars, etc. Life was difficult. I was elated but cautious. I still have other painful sites, but that was my worst at the time.
I continued writing and eventually found a true place of forgiveness and letting go. I still have lingering hip, back, foot and shoulder pain, but I am calmer, and feeling some days very hopeful. Pain is worse at times, better at others. SO, maybe journaling is not for everyone. It can be very emotional. I chose to not keep my journals, so I destroyed them, sometimes immediately, sometimes later. (I even destroyed old journals from several years back). I decided to just let all that crap go. Journaling allows me a way to express myself and dig deeper into my own process and history. To me it was better than talk therapy. I still journal, but not daily, uncovering layers of emotions about many things current and past. I practice meditation, and try each day to find something to laugh at or laugh with someone. Not easy tasks when our bodies are objecting. I know others say it is not necessary and that there are many with tons of journals who still have pain. Steve Ovanich stated that he did not journal and he is now well from TMS. You may want to read his book "The Great Pain Deception." It is about his own journey and how he eventually brought himself out of the pit of TMS pain. I found it to be a well-researched and thorough. I was riveted to it for a week. Reading some passages several times, underlying many points.
Let us know how you are doing. Give yourself a break if you need it. Trying to eliminate TMS pain should not add additional trauma to your life.
Lainey
I continued writing and eventually found a true place of forgiveness and letting go. I still have lingering hip, back, foot and shoulder pain, but I am calmer, and feeling some days very hopeful. Pain is worse at times, better at others. SO, maybe journaling is not for everyone. It can be very emotional. I chose to not keep my journals, so I destroyed them, sometimes immediately, sometimes later. (I even destroyed old journals from several years back). I decided to just let all that crap go. Journaling allows me a way to express myself and dig deeper into my own process and history. To me it was better than talk therapy. I still journal, but not daily, uncovering layers of emotions about many things current and past. I practice meditation, and try each day to find something to laugh at or laugh with someone. Not easy tasks when our bodies are objecting. I know others say it is not necessary and that there are many with tons of journals who still have pain. Steve Ovanich stated that he did not journal and he is now well from TMS. You may want to read his book "The Great Pain Deception." It is about his own journey and how he eventually brought himself out of the pit of TMS pain. I found it to be a well-researched and thorough. I was riveted to it for a week. Reading some passages several times, underlying many points.
Let us know how you are doing. Give yourself a break if you need it. Trying to eliminate TMS pain should not add additional trauma to your life.
Lainey
Thanks for your thoughts. I have been dealing with TMS for many years - went to TMS doctor in 2009 and again in 2013. I have successfully gotten rid of pain before without the intensity of the SEP. I think for me digging too deep is too emotional and too painful. I am going to focus on the more recent issues and learning to deal with my repressed emotions of today. Everyone has a different journey. The main thing is too recognize that there is no "one size fits all." (I posted this in the SEP forum as well.)
Ellen
Beloved Grand Eagle
Here is some wisdom on the topic from TMS author Steve Ozanich that you may find helpful:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/expressive-writing-question.15060/#post-79621 (Expressive writing question)
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/expressive-writing-question.15060/#post-79621 (Expressive writing question)
I realize that I am more in line with Steve. I know where my pains comes from. I need to stop obsessing and get back to living. It's interesting that when I gave myself permission to just observe the pain and not do the SEP a number of symptoms cleared up. For me the emotional toll and my brain's insistence on fighting the process caused too much physical and emotional pain. The pain has always gone away before - it will go away again! "We have nothing to fear but fear itself!" Thanks for sharing.
I stopped the SEP but went over some of the issues with my therapist (he is not a TMS therapist but is very understanding). Interestingly my symptoms and were not anywhere as bad with him. I continue the daily program and reread Alan's Recovery program each day. Today I started a new idea, whenever I start to think about pain I try to distract myself by thinking about where I'm at or just repeating "I'm safe and I am loved." I was able to drive for an hour (driving triggers my symptoms) and ride my bike for an hour with minimal symptoms. I feel more comfortable with more positive messages.