Day 9 - Criticized myself then replayed the scene without it

[LaineyVeganseed]

I was riding my bike around Belle Isle, which is a 6-mile loop. The first time around, I came upon a large group of riders in a fundraising ride taking place on the island. I saw a water break tent set up, and thought about stopping because I was curious to find out more about the ride. Then the critical part of my brain said "No one will want to talk to you. No one cares that you are out here riding today." So I rode by the tent, and realized how self-defeating that kind of talk was. The next loop around, when I saw the tent again, I thought, hey I'll stop and just see what happens. Well, I quickly and easily got into a conversation with one of the volunteers. She is also an active cyclists and we ended up talking for awhile like old friends. In fact, she knows my cousin and his wife! She invited me to join a biking club she's in. So there you go, critical brain... I proved you wrong! Someone did want to talk to me, and cared that I was out riding today!

 

[Ania]

"No one will want to talk to you" - oh, I tell it to myself so often. Thank you for sharing.
I am one more person who cares about you riding today - you've inspired me so much!

 

[LaineyVeganseed]

"No one will want to talk to you" - oh, I tell it to myself so often. Thank you for sharing.
I am one more person who cares about you riding today - you've inspired me so much!

You are so very special, too, Ania! Always keep that in mind! I have been reading a book called "Keeping The Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix. It talks about the emotional wounding that can occur at different developmental stages of a child's life, and the long-term effect that has on us. I discovered that my response to an emotionally cold mother (I now think she had depression and anxiety) and inconsistent availability from both my parents (I was the youngest of 4) was to become an Avoider. You may relate to this yourself:

I am an Avoider (Minimizer).
I and my needs are all bad.
I gave up in despair.
Having contact is frightening to me, because it is always painful.
I rejected my life force (I even have low blood pressure and nearsightedness - I didn’t want to feel or see my emotional pain. TMS anyone...? lol)
I deny my own needs.

Highly recommend the book, this is just the effects during the birth to 18 months stage of life. I am reading about the other stages now. Big hugs - We're all in this journey together!

 

[Lainey]

Hey, I like your name!!!
Best wishes in your recovery from Bells Palsy issues.
I enjoyed reading Harville Hendrix when I was actively working as a counselor some years back. Very insightful, offered good ways to change how we think, and insights on how we actually became this way.
I was the youngest of 7, and know well the issues of being a youngest with a mom who was not emotionally cold but was an avoider of all conflict between siblings. Conflict avoidance was a term I came to know as an adult that fit my parents quite well. I had to learn how to dance around certain siblings to avoid being beaten or simply brow-beaten. Tried to become a people pleaser to avoid negative consequences, It worked for awhile but internally I was seething and angry much of the time. Over time my anger could not be contained and began to spill outward. Not a good thing for relationships. Took years for me to understand and to work on change. The emotional and then later the physical pain from TMS forced the issue of change.
You can move forward. You will be okay.
Kindly
Lainey

 

[LaineyVeganseed]

Hey, I like your name!!!
Best wishes in your recovery from Bells Palsy issues.
I enjoyed reading Harville Hendrix when I was actively working as a counselor some years back. Very insightful, offered good ways to change how we think, and insights on how we actually became this way.
I was the youngest of 7, and know well the issues of being a youngest with a mom who was not emotionally cold but was an avoider of all conflict between siblings. Conflict avoidance was a term I came to know as an adult that fit my parents quite well. I had to learn how to dance around certain siblings to avoid being beaten or simply brow-beaten. Tried to become a people pleaser to avoid negative consequences, It worked for awhile but internally I was seething and angry much of the time. Over time my anger could not be contained and began to spill outward. Not a good thing for relationships. Took years for me to understand and to work on change. The emotional and then later the physical pain from TMS forced the issue of change.
You can move forward. You will be okay.
Kindly
Lainey

Thank you for sharing your story, Lainey! (Are you an Elaine, too?) I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that :-( I appreciate the reassurance more than you can know!