Day 4

When I reflect on the most disheartening messages I’ve received about my symptoms, they didn’t so much come from doctors, but from physiotherapists over the years. I was often told that there was “something wrong” with my ribs, my shoulder, or my posture, explanations that implied fragility or a structural problem that needed constant management.

In particular, shoulder issues have been a recurring theme for me. I’ve been told I’m “prone” to shoulder problems, and over time that idea really stuck. Even now, I notice that I’m quick to interpret discomfort as something that will always be there or easily triggered. Even though my main issue now is back pain.

What I’m becoming more aware of through this program is how much these explanations live on cognitively. When I’m lying on the couch or sitting somewhere and feel pain, my mind immediately engages. I notice myself actively reminding myself that this is not pain caused by the chair or the position, but by learned expectation and interpretation.

At times this feels like a lot of mental activity, almost like I’m busy “countering” old beliefs. But at the same time, it’s helping me see how conditioned these reactions are, and how automatic my fear-based interpretations have become.

Looking at my personality traits, I recognize myself strongly in what’s described in this program: being very conscientious, responsible, perfectionistic, wanting to do the right thing, taking care of others before myself, fearing failure, and putting a lot of internal pressure on myself. I can see how these traits, combined with medical explanations that emphasized vulnerability, created a perfect setup for chronic symptoms and fear.