vanessa
Peer Supporter
It really was a whirlwind of activity for me. And so much stress and fear came up. I was at such a crossroad. I made myself for a third day in a row take hot yoga. Day three was so painful, that I wanted to cry, and then I had a breakthrough in the class. I was sweating away, unable to do many positions, and instead of fighting and being in pain, I just said, I will have compassion for myself. If it's too much. I will lay down, I will do everything slowly or I wont do some of the positions, I will force nothing. And as soon as I stopped forcing, the pain receded. It was as if my body was saying, no more "fighting threw" just be, just let yourself be sad, scared and vulnerable, and stop "doing" just be. And slow down your body is talking to you, don't be afraid, but accept you can't do some of the poses. And make this class on of having courage to take it, no matter what, and let yourself feel the love in the room and how hard everyone is working, listen to the instructors voice, be completely present. Focus on the parts of your body that don't hurt, and distract thru mental iminaging when it does activate. And than on top of everything, after finally with all my heart embracing the TMS syndrome, and faithfully following my program. I was supposed to get a steriod shot, I had waited 9 weeks, and my pain was about 90 percent down, and I went for the shot. I just thought even if it is a placebo, I was going to try it. And then i got the saline injection, whih I didn't want, i was delayed for two hours, I knew I had to get to a concert, and I was so tormented with two sides, one where the healing was happening thru faith and the other was trying medicine. And I had a lidocain shot, and the the steroid epidural, and I thought I was going to jump off the table it hurt so much. And the doctors were like, we are going to give you relief, please just let us give you a little more medicine, it hurts more because there is more disk degeneration, and I just keep saying to myself, "Dont belief a word they are saying, nothing is wrong, but why did you do the shot." And when it was over, I was hyperventilating, and I had to jump on a crowded subway, and I kept breathing, and I felt my legs tingle and go numb, an I was in absolute fear, "what if it's worse" what if I cant' walk right, what if the doctor made a mistake, and why did I even do it, what was I thinking. And then I just had to get home to be a lone, for cry for five minutes. And I just talked to God, saying please guide me, if I was foolish about shot, I will learn from this lesson, I will continue to understand TMS, and keep changing the way I deal with fear and pressure. I also noticed something else, when I had written about being a perfecitonist and why I developed this traits, the pain was almost gone, it was as if my SUB C wanted me to aknowledge what a perfectionist I was and how detremental it was to my emotional and psychical and spirtual well being. And today, I was just so sore, and kept thinking of being on the doctors table in agony, and I just thought focus again on the parts of your body that are healthy, lessen the hold of to much self judgement and harshness, and forgive yourself for maybe making a mistake getting the shot, but also hoping it might actually help, but just putting the past behind you, and staying the corse with my SEP program. On a side note, I have been able to help 2 of my dearest friends in the world that have this. They didn't quite believe me, but I just sent them the information, and said, this is what I think is going on, just read it. If you don't believe it, fine, I believe to my core. And I am getting better. The best days are when I am in the moment, and when I feel like I am in a weird way rediscovering the parts of myself that I had cast in the shadows. And seeing everything that happens to me or feelings that hurt and body pain which is real, is all part and parcel of trying to heal me. And to not, not matter what feel ashamed or afraid.
