Stephanie71
Peer Supporter
I am trying once more to become free from the chronic pain I have had for over twelve years. My pain came on gradually when I was eighteen during the worst time in my life, and I always thought it was related to a hamstring injury I had. I was able to ignore it for a while - it was never debilitating/can't get out of bed pain - just always a nagging discomfort and feeling of being "off," as well as moderate pain. Sometimes the pain would be more or less. I always felt something was structurally altered in me, though. I have had chronic sciatica on my left side since then. The levels of pain and symptoms vary, but I've never felt it was ever gone. I always felt altered, if that makes sense. Sometimes there is more low back pain, sometimes more gluteal or hip or knee pain, but all in same left leg - burning, pressure, weakness, stabbing, aching, stiffness, etc. There are nerve symptoms, too, which have been the most frightening, and I became very conditioned to fear bending and moving and walking and lying certain ways. I have been so convinced over the years that there is something super structurally wrong with my body. It feels so structural. It always has. I have become very conditioned in many ways.
I have to be honest and say I still have doubts - not sure why. My brain is so so stubborn. But I do have moments of knowing - this is all TMS. My evidence list is long - I have the personality completely - worrier, fear based, anxious, conscientious, people-pleaser, perfectionist; I come from divorce, a narcissistic father, a long line of trauma, my own personal history of alcoholism and eating disorders... but oh, the pain.
I spoke with my friend the other day who does not have TMS but is a TMS therapist here in Los Angeles, and I got honest with her about how much shame I carry from having this chronic pain. Even typing that brings tears to my eyes. I carry extreme guilt and shame about it - I think on some level I think it's my fault. I don't like talking to people about it; I always fear they won't understand or perhaps instill more doubt in me by saying, "whoa sounds like you should see a doctor," etc. I am very insecure in that way.
I have often said that the shame I carry as a person is directly related to the way I feel about the pain - that I am broken beyond repair, abnormal, deformed, maligned, deserve to suffer, a freak, etc. It is harsh, I know. It's just the deep-seated stuff in parts of my psyche. I have done a lot of therapy in my life, including TMS therapy, and I am sober almost 7 years and committed to a path of recovery in 12 step programs. I believe strongly in God, and without that I don't think I could have survived. I don't know why I am such a hard case in terms of getting better. But I have made a decision to commit to this program and to stop the obsessive behavior of Googling symptoms and checking up on and monitoring the pain and other symptoms. I'm also a big poker/prodder of my body. I know I have to let go of this behavior.
I also know I need to open up to my loved ones about this pain syndrome. I know that is a huge piece in seeing that I am still loved despite having this secret and this experience of suffering. I think I have always felt ashamed of having so many "problems."
I appreciate the support - I admit that I am afraid to post too much on here for fear of looking crazy. But I guess that goes with the territory... being vulnerable, being honest - my go to is defensiveness and pretending -everything is fine!
I have recently let more love into my life and am committing to a wonderful man. I have to say that there is something about letting love in that is so healing. It hasn't changed my symptoms necessarily, but it is definitely changing the way I relate to them and how I relate to myself. I think I thought for so long that I had to be healed in every department to ever be lovable or truly available. I am seeing that maybe it might be the other way around.
Thank you to everyone who responds, and I send love and prayers to those who are also suffering. May we all be directed to healing. What a difficult path this can be...
I have to be honest and say I still have doubts - not sure why. My brain is so so stubborn. But I do have moments of knowing - this is all TMS. My evidence list is long - I have the personality completely - worrier, fear based, anxious, conscientious, people-pleaser, perfectionist; I come from divorce, a narcissistic father, a long line of trauma, my own personal history of alcoholism and eating disorders... but oh, the pain.
I spoke with my friend the other day who does not have TMS but is a TMS therapist here in Los Angeles, and I got honest with her about how much shame I carry from having this chronic pain. Even typing that brings tears to my eyes. I carry extreme guilt and shame about it - I think on some level I think it's my fault. I don't like talking to people about it; I always fear they won't understand or perhaps instill more doubt in me by saying, "whoa sounds like you should see a doctor," etc. I am very insecure in that way.
I have often said that the shame I carry as a person is directly related to the way I feel about the pain - that I am broken beyond repair, abnormal, deformed, maligned, deserve to suffer, a freak, etc. It is harsh, I know. It's just the deep-seated stuff in parts of my psyche. I have done a lot of therapy in my life, including TMS therapy, and I am sober almost 7 years and committed to a path of recovery in 12 step programs. I believe strongly in God, and without that I don't think I could have survived. I don't know why I am such a hard case in terms of getting better. But I have made a decision to commit to this program and to stop the obsessive behavior of Googling symptoms and checking up on and monitoring the pain and other symptoms. I'm also a big poker/prodder of my body. I know I have to let go of this behavior.
I also know I need to open up to my loved ones about this pain syndrome. I know that is a huge piece in seeing that I am still loved despite having this secret and this experience of suffering. I think I have always felt ashamed of having so many "problems."
I appreciate the support - I admit that I am afraid to post too much on here for fear of looking crazy. But I guess that goes with the territory... being vulnerable, being honest - my go to is defensiveness and pretending -everything is fine!
I have recently let more love into my life and am committing to a wonderful man. I have to say that there is something about letting love in that is so healing. It hasn't changed my symptoms necessarily, but it is definitely changing the way I relate to them and how I relate to myself. I think I thought for so long that I had to be healed in every department to ever be lovable or truly available. I am seeing that maybe it might be the other way around.
Thank you to everyone who responds, and I send love and prayers to those who are also suffering. May we all be directed to healing. What a difficult path this can be...
