Day 12 Day 12

This is not actually "day 12," of course; it's taken me a few weeks to get this far, but I am continuing to slowly work through the program. Almost grudgingly I have to admit my symptoms are noticeably better than they were when I started. I almost don't want to write that for fear of things getting worse again and shaking my belief, but it's true.

This morning I was laying in bed and realized I've been able to lie on my back without the awful discomfort from my blanket directly on top of me. I started the day with a tiny bit of deep breathing, then got up and while I had a little bit of discomfort getting dressed and sitting to eat breakfast, it was as low as it's ever been, and a little later on I realized I was walking around the kitchen feeling practically normal.

My journaling usually worsens symptoms (some of it is no doubt from repressed emotion, but some of it is just my perfectionism trying to iron out my writing and make it perfect—trying to let go of that!), but today it only did a little bit.

Here I am focusing on symptoms! Ah man... wasn't built in a day.

I'm still having bouts of fear and doubt, looking for answers but mostly managing to stay within the world of TMS protocol instead of researching anything physical. I liked reading @tmstraveler 's line that looking for answers *was* his prison and I'm trying to remember that and just accept things as they are.

I think my biggest trigger at the moment beyond physical activity is actually social media—I see people I know accomplishing things and beyond the envy I usually feel, I also feel an additional layer of needing to be better *now* so that I can participate in life fully again. But this is of course backwards, the "participation" is up to me and the getting better is up to my brain.