jayMck
New Member
I'm in day 10 right now of the structured program. After 2 pretty good nights, my pain returned and woke me up twice this morning. Once around 3 a.m. I took some Advil and was able to fall back asleep until 5:30. it woke me up again, so I got up, made coffee and working on Day 10 of the program.
I usually don't sleep past 7 when I'm not in pain, but I'm bummed out that today was Saturday and I really would have loved to sleep in.
As Ive mentioned in other posts, right now I'm dealing with a diagnosed pinched nerve in my neck. About 5 years ago, during an exam before carpal tunnel surgery, the Dr mentioned that I most likely also had a pinched nerve. Unaware at that point of TMS or John Sarno, I didn't think much about it, or what it even meant, because my hands were really bothering me and I wanted it to stop. At the time, I was working in a bike shop, using my hands all day long. I'm also an avid cyclist and guitarist. Losing feeling in my hands was a really scary thing.
Well, the surgery helped with the hands. But in hindsight, I can see that it helped because I wanted it too. I really believed it would help.
For years before before the carpal tunnel episode, I'd been dealing with chronic back pain, IBS, frequent heartburn, foot pain, asthma and allergies. I didn't see any of these things as being related. It just felt like for whatever reason, I was always dealing with some kind of pain or discomfort.
Over the years I've had all kinds of different stressors in my life and I take things very personally, blame myself, and mull things over repeatedly. From episodes from childhood - where I was called an idiot, in front of the class, by my 6th grade teacher - to dealing with in-laws who still, after 27 years of marriage to their daughter (and two successful sons), don't approve of or understand me.
Need more? I spent 10 years as a stay-at-home dad. Although I made a point to be a superstar parent, and the best classroom volunteer of all time (especially since I'd spent 10 years previous as a teacher) I still felt daily insecurity and worthlessness because instead of being the successful bread winner, here I was helping out in the kindergarten classroom. Heck, a walking school bus program I started got the school on national TV on Good Morning America. Seriously. They came to the school, filmed us walking and interviewed me. You can google the print version of the story still.
I still felt pretty worthless though. Then to add insult to injury, a whack job teacher at the school (who it turns out all the staff hated and the principal feared) nearly destroyed my life when she accused me of threatening her - when all I was doing was asking to set up a conference with her. Turns out many parents had this problem with her. She wouldn't meet with them and even locked the door during instruction time so no one could enter the room. I tell people it's a story with more twists and turns than the Tour de France, but long story short, she took me to court. With the help of another parent from the school (a lawyer, who represented me for free) I won. Or should I say she lost?
I didn't really win anything. Because of the hell we'd been through, we pulled the kids from our neighborhood school and moved them across town. Our school community, our neighbors, even our church were no help. I sank into a depression that lasted several years. To cap it off, a month after moving to the new school, my youngest son had a birthday. We invited a whole bunch of kids. None came. Not one. How do you explain that to a second grader?
That was 10 years ago. I actually don't think about it much anymore. I'm not even sure why I wrote it now. For a long time I told the story to anyone who'd listen. But then I began to put it behind me and try to move on. I felt like I was burdening people with it. Plus, the son who was in that class is now a super successful college sophomore. My youngest is an equally successful senior sending out college apps.
But maybe the fact that there was never a resolution, no public vindication or celebration - or even acknowledgement of what a monster that teacher was - is still down there simmering in my own personal pressure cooker of rage?
Anyway, after ending my tenure as an at-home dad, I tried to get back into teaching, but I didn't have the drive or the needed self-confidence anymore. That episode made me question and doubt everything I ever believed about myself. I won't pull any punches: that woman was evil. But I let her convince me that it was because I was an idiot. I was stupid. I was worthless. Just like that 6h grade teacher.
In some ways, it feels like my life is spent trying to prove I'm not worthless. Am I trying to prove it to them? Or to me?
After that I spent 3 years working in a bike shop. Then 3 years working as a freelance copywriter in a small ad agency. When that job started getting dicey - not getting paid for months at a time - I started searching for a new job. Not many options for a 52 year old male with degrees in English and a Masters in Education, who's effectively been out of the work force for years and who doesn't want to teach. So, right now I'm working at the public library.
I like the work. I like my coworkers. I like my boss. But it is hard sometimes when I ask myself, how did I end up here? Is this where I wanted to be when I was a kid? Is this my final destination, the new guy, working with people young enough to be my kids? Are my sons proud of me? Do they tell their friends I'm a library assistant?
I don't know. Maybe this is where the recent flare up of my neck and IBS are coming from. I've been at the job for 7 months and my neck and IBS didn't bother me before that. At least that I remember. My need to be liked, be successful, for approval is on full-tilt when I'm at work. But it's hard being 52 years old and having to prove yourself every day.
So this is long and rambling and I'm clearly searching. But to back up, I suffered 20 years of chronic back pain before reading Sarno. And now I can ride my bike - fast and far - without back pain. So I know TMS is real. I know my neck will get and stay better. But all my life I have dealt with something - asthma and allergies made my life miserable as a child and young adult. In my 30s I developed back pain. In my 40s it was IBS, heel pain and carpal tunnel. Now in my 50s it's my neck.
All I can say is that TMS is sneaky. But in the last year and a half since reading Sarno, I feel like I finally know my enemy. And I'm making progress.
Jay
I usually don't sleep past 7 when I'm not in pain, but I'm bummed out that today was Saturday and I really would have loved to sleep in.
As Ive mentioned in other posts, right now I'm dealing with a diagnosed pinched nerve in my neck. About 5 years ago, during an exam before carpal tunnel surgery, the Dr mentioned that I most likely also had a pinched nerve. Unaware at that point of TMS or John Sarno, I didn't think much about it, or what it even meant, because my hands were really bothering me and I wanted it to stop. At the time, I was working in a bike shop, using my hands all day long. I'm also an avid cyclist and guitarist. Losing feeling in my hands was a really scary thing.
Well, the surgery helped with the hands. But in hindsight, I can see that it helped because I wanted it too. I really believed it would help.
For years before before the carpal tunnel episode, I'd been dealing with chronic back pain, IBS, frequent heartburn, foot pain, asthma and allergies. I didn't see any of these things as being related. It just felt like for whatever reason, I was always dealing with some kind of pain or discomfort.
Over the years I've had all kinds of different stressors in my life and I take things very personally, blame myself, and mull things over repeatedly. From episodes from childhood - where I was called an idiot, in front of the class, by my 6th grade teacher - to dealing with in-laws who still, after 27 years of marriage to their daughter (and two successful sons), don't approve of or understand me.
Need more? I spent 10 years as a stay-at-home dad. Although I made a point to be a superstar parent, and the best classroom volunteer of all time (especially since I'd spent 10 years previous as a teacher) I still felt daily insecurity and worthlessness because instead of being the successful bread winner, here I was helping out in the kindergarten classroom. Heck, a walking school bus program I started got the school on national TV on Good Morning America. Seriously. They came to the school, filmed us walking and interviewed me. You can google the print version of the story still.
I still felt pretty worthless though. Then to add insult to injury, a whack job teacher at the school (who it turns out all the staff hated and the principal feared) nearly destroyed my life when she accused me of threatening her - when all I was doing was asking to set up a conference with her. Turns out many parents had this problem with her. She wouldn't meet with them and even locked the door during instruction time so no one could enter the room. I tell people it's a story with more twists and turns than the Tour de France, but long story short, she took me to court. With the help of another parent from the school (a lawyer, who represented me for free) I won. Or should I say she lost?
I didn't really win anything. Because of the hell we'd been through, we pulled the kids from our neighborhood school and moved them across town. Our school community, our neighbors, even our church were no help. I sank into a depression that lasted several years. To cap it off, a month after moving to the new school, my youngest son had a birthday. We invited a whole bunch of kids. None came. Not one. How do you explain that to a second grader?
That was 10 years ago. I actually don't think about it much anymore. I'm not even sure why I wrote it now. For a long time I told the story to anyone who'd listen. But then I began to put it behind me and try to move on. I felt like I was burdening people with it. Plus, the son who was in that class is now a super successful college sophomore. My youngest is an equally successful senior sending out college apps.
But maybe the fact that there was never a resolution, no public vindication or celebration - or even acknowledgement of what a monster that teacher was - is still down there simmering in my own personal pressure cooker of rage?
Anyway, after ending my tenure as an at-home dad, I tried to get back into teaching, but I didn't have the drive or the needed self-confidence anymore. That episode made me question and doubt everything I ever believed about myself. I won't pull any punches: that woman was evil. But I let her convince me that it was because I was an idiot. I was stupid. I was worthless. Just like that 6h grade teacher.
In some ways, it feels like my life is spent trying to prove I'm not worthless. Am I trying to prove it to them? Or to me?
After that I spent 3 years working in a bike shop. Then 3 years working as a freelance copywriter in a small ad agency. When that job started getting dicey - not getting paid for months at a time - I started searching for a new job. Not many options for a 52 year old male with degrees in English and a Masters in Education, who's effectively been out of the work force for years and who doesn't want to teach. So, right now I'm working at the public library.
I like the work. I like my coworkers. I like my boss. But it is hard sometimes when I ask myself, how did I end up here? Is this where I wanted to be when I was a kid? Is this my final destination, the new guy, working with people young enough to be my kids? Are my sons proud of me? Do they tell their friends I'm a library assistant?
I don't know. Maybe this is where the recent flare up of my neck and IBS are coming from. I've been at the job for 7 months and my neck and IBS didn't bother me before that. At least that I remember. My need to be liked, be successful, for approval is on full-tilt when I'm at work. But it's hard being 52 years old and having to prove yourself every day.
So this is long and rambling and I'm clearly searching. But to back up, I suffered 20 years of chronic back pain before reading Sarno. And now I can ride my bike - fast and far - without back pain. So I know TMS is real. I know my neck will get and stay better. But all my life I have dealt with something - asthma and allergies made my life miserable as a child and young adult. In my 30s I developed back pain. In my 40s it was IBS, heel pain and carpal tunnel. Now in my 50s it's my neck.
All I can say is that TMS is sneaky. But in the last year and a half since reading Sarno, I feel like I finally know my enemy. And I'm making progress.
Jay
