CharlieEvans180
Peer Supporter
Here we go.....Day 1.
I'm shit scared and I don't know why. But I think it's because I've finally come to the end of myself. I'm shit scared of the symptoms- even though they haven't changed for 5 years. That's why they scare me. The fact there has been no change makes me worry I've got neurological damage. It's finally dawned on me- the avoidance behaviours i deploy, the constant checking. I wear a Fitbit because it helps me manage the weakness better. It's bullshit. But it's running on what's familiar.
But I'm also so clear that i want to get fully better. I'm sick of the fear. I'm sick of being an unpresent husband. I'm sick of being so busy just to run away from myself. I'm terrified of losing my loved ones. I'm terrified of not being able to be a father. Worried that my faith in God is based on an error.
So much emotional crap that I've suppressed.
So many symptoms have gone away. The shortness of breath. The knee pains. The list goes on. But now to see off the symptoms that were the first. The ones that started with some simple hand pain- how I wish i could just get there again- but then travelled and travelled. And logically, if my knee that was seemingly locking can just go, then so can the feeling of my hands feeling like stumps.
Please wish me well- I feel like i have a very long road ahead. But to finally come to the end of myself is a good starting point.
Also going to get a physical cause ruled out once and for all.......
I'm shit scared and I don't know why. But I think it's because I've finally come to the end of myself. I'm shit scared of the symptoms- even though they haven't changed for 5 years. That's why they scare me. The fact there has been no change makes me worry I've got neurological damage. It's finally dawned on me- the avoidance behaviours i deploy, the constant checking. I wear a Fitbit because it helps me manage the weakness better. It's bullshit. But it's running on what's familiar.
But I'm also so clear that i want to get fully better. I'm sick of the fear. I'm sick of being an unpresent husband. I'm sick of being so busy just to run away from myself. I'm terrified of losing my loved ones. I'm terrified of not being able to be a father. Worried that my faith in God is based on an error.
So much emotional crap that I've suppressed.
So many symptoms have gone away. The shortness of breath. The knee pains. The list goes on. But now to see off the symptoms that were the first. The ones that started with some simple hand pain- how I wish i could just get there again- but then travelled and travelled. And logically, if my knee that was seemingly locking can just go, then so can the feeling of my hands feeling like stumps.
Please wish me well- I feel like i have a very long road ahead. But to finally come to the end of myself is a good starting point.
Also going to get a physical cause ruled out once and for all.......
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